Top 10 Stats
Latest Posts Loading... Loading...
Loading...
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Results 1 to 9 of 9
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By BatMan

Thread: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

  1. #1
    mogwai1280 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 64, Level: 1
    Level completed: 28%, Points required for next Level: 36
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    5
    Points
    64
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    I totally should have seen it coming...fell in love with my best friend of 8 years who is recently divorced and it was amazing for 6 months, until she decided she couldn't commit...or at least was testing me.

    the thing is she came to me scared, but I didn't really reassure her - kind of told her it was OK to not want to commit and it was ok too date other people. I kind of gave her space at the wrong time. She told me she was scared to commit in July. So I gave her space when she really wanted me to fight for her...so she started dating someone else. I came to my senses, but it was kind of too late.

    I told her that I made the biggest mistake in my life and didn't tell my best friend I had fell in love with her. She cried and said "I needed to hear that two weeks ago". Explained how that she took my talk with her that I wasn't interested and now she had started dating someone else and started to have feelings for them. She was torn.

    We talked a few nights later for 7 hours...and she decided she still had strong feelings for me but couldn't decide what she wanted. She was scared to be with me but scared to be without me. She wanted to date us both, which I reluctantly accepted.

    She made it clear I was never a rebound and she had really sincere feelings for me. She got scared because it was too good - way better than her marriage and any other guy she was ever with.

    It took her two months to really let me go. It just never rebounded to what it was...but she did try really hard to see me and make time for me. I really only felt her 50% invested...obviously as she was dating someone else. She wouldn't let me go though...I hinted at it several times. I HAD to do it as my emotions were on tilt...I wasn't going to be able to handle the casual open relationship.

    After two weeks I told her it wasn't working for me and that I loved her but I needed to let her go.

    I asked for space for 30 days and tried NC. She texted me during that time and I responded on just a couple of texts. She even texted me a picture of a book I gave her when I told her that I loved her.

    We talked after the 30 day attempt of space.

    She is serious with the new guy now because I think I wasn't strong enough to a) tell her how I felt when she needed me to and b) be emotionally strong enough to fight for her when she was torn b/w us both...not sure if I can recover from that.

    From mutual friends I've heard the new guys is a "man whore, a drunk, just a bad guy etc."...She also lost her female best friend over this because the new guy is her female best friends ex boyfriend's cousin. She asked her female best friend if she could date him and she said no. So she started seeing this guy behind her back (and kind of behind my back).

    I might be naive, but I really do feel that she did and does still love me on some level. That it has more to do with her issues moving on from a divorce than me. I think she needs her freedom, her wings and her bad boy fix.

    She wants to be friends (considering we were very close friends for 8 years prior).I would never consider friendship, but she has been a very close friend for many years...I still have a lot of emotional attachment so I'm not sure what to do at this point other than continue NC and if she comes back, she comes back.

    Any advice?

    No contact until she tries to get a hold of me? Put myself back in the friend zone?

    I am moving on and dating other girls.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    First question is....did you really tell her you need 30 days of space? That's a bad move in my opinion.

    I do feel you are right though. You should've shown more conviction about what you expect between you two. Not shy away from it.

    You are also right about her needing space. Getting into another serious relationship after a marriage is extremely risky.

    You are right about being the rebound. No one really admits to being, or making someone else, a rebound. So that's a good step you've taken.

    The next step? Simply give her space. There's a good chance that if she even did leave the guy for you and agreed to be in a relationship with you then it wouldn't last. Let her have her fun and not tie her down right now. Even if she gets into a relationship with this other guy, he's just going to deal with whatever leftover issues she's has from her marriage instead of you. You are friends so I'm sure you'll revisit this down the line.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
    mogwai1280 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 64, Level: 1
    Level completed: 28%, Points required for next Level: 36
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    5
    Points
    64
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    I should have had more conviction and should have been honest with her sooner in July when she came to me scared. The reason I was not, was because I was scared that me pushing for something too soon outside of her divorce would scare her. I figured she would come to me when she was ready and ask what our relationship was. Instead, she came to me saying she was scared to commit to me. I told her that it was ok to be scared, she shouldn't apologize for her feelings and she needed to follow her heart. I figured if I would have told her the truth (that I loved her) she would have just ran faster...

    In regards to the 30 days of space, after she tried dating both of us for a couple of weeks:

    I told her that "I love you, but I have to let you go". Her dating two guys just didn't work for me. It was taking a big step backwards, but she didn't want to let me go. It was just emotionally devastating for me to keep holding on knowing she was dating someone else and I was no longer a priority in her life. My emotions were out of control and I was no longer able to maintain a strong frame. I didn't know what else to do. I left it as, "let's take a break from each other for a while. We have a concert at the end of the month and we'll talk then if it makes sense to go or not".

    I'm sure while she's committing to dating the new guy - she'll text or check in with me from time to time. I'm not sure the best way to handle that. If we're friends and I'm not trying a NC Freeze Out, do I just respond warmly but not anxious or needy?

    Thanks Bat Man

  4. #4
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    I would've done the same thing and given her, her space. I would also understand that it entails her dating, and possibly sleeping, with other men in order to get a perspective on things. So making that choice to give her space then being upset because she is seeing someone is a bit contradicting. Can't really expect her to just sit around and watch tv or something until enough time goes by lol. She has to experience it.

    So you have to make a decision and stick to it. I personally think she could use the space. But you would have to accept her dating other guys. That doesn't mean give her pillow talk about them and give advice though.

    If you want the relationship now then your best bet is to give her fear of loss. Emotionally distance yourself. She has to know what it feels like to not be able to confide in you (DO NOT verbalize this to her. I guarantee you it won't work if you do.) So become indifferent basically.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  5. #5
    mogwai1280 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 64, Level: 1
    Level completed: 28%, Points required for next Level: 36
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    5
    Points
    64
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    Thanks! I'm not sure what the appropriate amount of space is (or being indifferent).

    She texted me this morning:

    "so...how was the concert?! Did you bring the third office to her winter home yet?" (my boat)."

    What's a non-needy, indifferent response?

    I think she really wants to make an effort at being friends (remember 8 year history as close friends). Obviously, my wounds haven't healed yet and I need to focus on the other girls I am gaming and "kill beatrice" - but how do I do that without ruining a friendship or ruining us being close again in the future?

    Do I go back into being friends or NC? I'm not sure what the middle ground is (if there is any).

    Thanks!

  6. #6
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    Being indifferent is giving her 10% rather than 100% of yourself. So giving her 10% to that text would sound like "Lol yea". Its not giving her the cold shoulder which would be obvious you are upset. This is different and she will sense uneasiness, but not be able to put her finger on it.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  7. #7
    mogwai1280 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 64, Level: 1
    Level completed: 28%, Points required for next Level: 36
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    5
    Points
    64
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    Thanks - that makes sense. I just mirrored her energy and responded back with high energy...but I get the indifference. I don't think one text will make a big deal but I can start to change the frame...thanks!

  8. #8
    mogwai1280 is offline Aspiring PUA
    Points: 64, Level: 1
    Level completed: 28%, Points required for next Level: 36
    Overall activity: 0%
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    5
    Points
    64
    Level
    1
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    I'm in rough shape in regards to this thread. She is trying to make an effort to not lose our friendship. She is texting me this week:

    Monday (AM): How was your weekend? I'm thinking we should do a happy hour soon..
    Tuesday (AM): Hello?

    I have not responded at all.

    She posted an official relationship status with the new guy on Facebook this week. Crushing to see to say the least as the 6 months with me she NEVER put anything up about our relationship and I was OK with that because I knew she didn't want to advertise it the wake of her divorce.

    I NEED to move on and forget her for my own mental sake. I'm doing really bad with depression, anxiety, drinking to cope and any contact with her just spikes those feelings. It's distracting to the point I'm worried about my work performance and my drinking to cope with the feelings. (I was sober for 4 years at one point and active in aa)...I can't go back to the dark years of drinking...but I'm walking a fine line.

    I feel that any contact with her I will not be able to handle in an emotionally, confident or friendly state. I mean...what would we even talk about? How's the new boyfriend? How miserable I am?

    I'm gaming other girls and dating one pretty seriously...but I can't invest in any of them because I'm too emotionally attached to the ex. I feel I have to LET HER GO COMPLETELY for a while.

    I'm confident NO CONTACT is the right move here.

    The only hesitation I have is that:

    1. I told her if she wanted to be friends in our closure talk she had to really work hard for it because I've lost a lot of trust and respect for her.

    2. It's kind of immature and NC is itself not indifferent - its an action letting her know I'm hurt.

    Thoughts?

    Thanks so much!

  9. #9
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: I was my best friend's rebound - How to Move on?

    It is no longer a battle to win her back. It is a battle to get yourself together for your own well being. Real sorry it hasn't been working out for you.

    It's time to take control of your focus. I recommend this next exercise since it helped me.

    Only spend between 20-30 min a day reflecting on the breakup. Whatever emotions come up just accept them. Scream, cry, or punch a pillow. Listen to hard rock or r&b music. Just whatever your emotions want and do it in solitary. This is an issue that you should handle yourself in that moment.

    After the 20-30 min then spend the rest of your day distracting yourself and focusing on all the good parts about yourself. Remind yourself that you ARE a good man and ANY woman would be lucky to have you in their life. That you know her flaws so take solice with the fact that her new bf will have to deal with those things. If you have a close friend to talk to and vent that's good. However, it's very easy to overdo it and actually FEED the situation by putting too much attention on it. (Just as if you were reflecting too much you could actually make things worse.)

    Accept that what you are feeling is OK and that this is a HEALING PROCESS. The key word is process. Meaning you have no choice about the matter. You're going to go through this whether you like it or not. My guess is that you don't like it. But, again, it's all ok.

    This could take weeks or even months. Every day you will think of her alittle bit less than the day before. Eventually she will just leave your mind and you will notice the difference from where you once came.

    This exercise I tried once and it seemed to work. And that's to write a letter to your ex. Telling her all the things you feel. Say whatever is on your mind and just pour it all on that page. Then BURN IT!! This releases it.

    I actually tried an exercise one time which seemed to work. At the cost of looking very strange of course. Play some loud music and have an imaginary argument with your ex. Scream and yell all the things you feel and think. Really let it all out until you get a damn headache from all the screaming lol.

    Eventually you have to reach a point where you forgive yourself.....and forgive her. You are both human and both will screw up many more times in your life. It's all a part of this thing we call life.

    Lastly, and I want you to really use your focus on this one...understand that she IS waiting for you. Who? That woman that you deserve. Picture her in your mind. The color of her eyes. The smell of her hair. The size of her breasts. All for you. Understand that she is out there waiting for you to approach her and own her world while showing her a new one. She is just waiting for you to get out of your funk so you can move on with your lives together. So go get her!!
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."


Similar Threads

  1. Help just got Rebound!
    By christianh758 in forum General Questions
    Replies: 2
    Last Thread: 06-15-2012, 03:08 PM
  2. How do I get her Friend's #??
    By Siedways in forum Approaching, Running Sets & Building Attraction
    Replies: 1
    Last Thread: 04-27-2012, 02:03 PM
  3. New rebound GF vs. many one nighters?
    By Finchy in forum How To Get Your Ex Back
    Replies: 1
    Last Thread: 02-27-2012, 05:32 AM
  4. Need to get ex back from rebound relationship...
    By danhats in forum How To Get Your Ex Back
    Replies: 15
    Last Thread: 01-28-2012, 07:50 AM
  5. How do I rebound from this?
    By thatonewriter in forum Approaching, Running Sets & Building Attraction
    Replies: 1
    Last Thread: 12-03-2010, 11:40 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
DMCA.com