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  1. #1
    lebellavista is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Not sure how to handle things next

    Hello,
    I just found this website and i'm hoping you someone can help.
    My boyfriend (well ex now I suppose) have been together for two years. This year in particular we have been having some difficulties as I think at times both of us have found out moods to be quite low. Earlier in the year he almost broke up with me because I was very low and needy with him and he wasn't sure how to handle it. We managed to get back on track and I have since been acting differently with him.
    He found out around the same time that he has a internship in another part of the country for three months coming up from November to February and we had talked about going together but he decided it was not a good idea as he didn't want to be distracted and wanted his sole focus to be getting a job at the company eventually but was adamant he wanted to do long distance for the three months. Having said that, he could not tell me how often we would see each other or speak with one another when he was away.
    Over the past couple of months he has been extremely hot or cold with me. One minute he could be lovely and the next he would be grumping about nothing and taking his anger out on me by being a complete jerk. As it happened more often I began to pull him up on it more and more which I think was a shock for his system and I never use to do that.
    About a month ago he was such a jerk it was indescribable so I told him to leave and sent him a message saying it was unacceptable. The next day he came around in tears and was so apologetic I was completely caught of guard. He explained that he wasn't feeling very happy in life at the time and that he wanted to talk to someone about it but maintained he wanted to be with me. Following this I have been as supportive as possible but his moods have still continued to be up and down and he has not gone to speak to anyone. Despite this though he still has been talking about our future together.
    A week ago he did it again and was such a jerk I left in tears and later went back around to confront him. I think he actually was a little worried that I was going to break up with him. I told him how I felt and that it was unacceptable, had a good conversation with him and told him he needed to see someone. He agreed and I felt like we had made progress as we spent time together the following couple of days with no problems.
    On Wednesday of this week he came around out of the blue and was all over the place. He said he didn't understand why he would get so angry and why he got angry with me, felt like he needed to work on himself, felt like the way he was he was hurting me was bad and that he, and I quote, felt 'emotionally unavaliable'. He at first couldn't even say that he wanted to break up but eventually did which caused the water works from me. Strangely though, when I was asking why he was saying over the past few months that he wanted to be with me and talking about our future, he said he still did want to be with me but he couldn't be as breaking up would hurt me less in the long run otherwise he would keep hurting me. I said that I was willing to wait and see how he was in a while and take some time apart because I wanted to be with him but he said he didn't want to make me think that that was a possibility as it was mean.
    I haven't heard a thing from his since, although it has only been four days. Yesterday he deleted our relationship status on facebook, although he did not change it to single, instead it just vanished and instead says nothing so no one would have noticed apart from me.
    What I am worried about is he is almost a bit of a coward when talking about things, and that he will be too scared to talk to me or say he made a mistake ect. We go to the same gym and I am worried about seeing him there, and if I do what I should do. I really want to be with, and I was willing to wait it out and see if he could change his behavior towards me and sort out how low he was feeling. I love him to bits and am not sure how to approach any of this. So far I haven't said a word to him or removed him as a facebook friend as I didn't want to do anything extreme that could make it worse and I want to appear as I am keeping my cool despite the water works he witnessed when he broke it off.
    I am sorry for writing a novel here, but I thought explaining the whole thing might help.
    Thank you for any help in advance, it is much appreciated xx

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Not sure how to handle things next

    Sucks that you're in this situation. The usual thing we do is tell you at least 3 weeks of no contact. It's fine if he contacts you first, but from you is an absolute no. This gives him time to sort things out and then start to wonder what you have been up to.

    Usually in these cases its a loss of attraction. There can be many things that kill it. Being needy is one which you have mentioned. Arguing can be another. Its healthy to debate and have disagreements, but arguing entails name calling and exaggerations. Many things can kill attraction. So my advice is to rebuild it once you reconnect.

    One of the major things i say is to become his Rubiks Cube. We are natural problem solvers. Our society wouldn't have evolved this much if we weren't good at it. In relationships we need to be stimulated by puzzles aka conflicts. (Conflicts does not equal arguments. It comes in many forms.) Whether internal or external. So it's only natural that if things are going really well, someone will pick an argument out of a hat just to have SOME kind of stimulation. Happens all the time.

    There is a concept called frame control i think you should really study. It's helped me in countless situations and its very difficult to implement on the fly because of our emotions. The quote below my response explains frame control in a nutshell. Master this, and a whole new world opens up to you. Hope this helps and good luck.

  3. #3
    lebellavista is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Not sure how to handle things next

    When I went through that period of being low and needy I realized what I was doing and have completely backed off. No more needy behavior and I have been pretty chilled with him since and in it always ended up usually being him who contacted me to spend time with me. I have since been working on myself and have handled this situation a great deal better than I thought I would.

    I do not want to go back to the way it was before but I did hope that if he sorted himself out that we would have a future, especially considering he seemed to have some idea about our future that he came up with all by himself.
    I wonder if maybe he thinks that because he isn't handling our relationship well at the moment, that he will find it even more difficult when he is on his internship. He is really focused on doing well at it.

    I definitely will not contact him, I don't have anything to say to him at the moment anyway. I imagine he will be quite confused that I haven't said a word to him since but I am 100% sure that is not the right approach and will hopefully say something to him about me no longer being needy. Interestingly he hasn't been on facebook chat and despite deleting his relationship status he hasn't deleted a picture of us on his cover phone but it probably is only a matter of time!
    I do hope that he does realize that I was a pretty great part of his life and what he has given up soon, but who knows.

    Thanks for your help, it is greatly appreciated!

  4. #4
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Not sure how to handle things next

    I think it's good to have the ability to understand someone's perspective. However being too understanding can be detrimental. I'm speaking from experience. You deserve to be understood as well. I heard this quote from a Spiderman cartoon (so unlikely, but rings so true lol.) The character Jonah Jameson states "You want understanding? Get a shrink!" Being understanding is a great thing, but so is having a firm hand and doing what's best for you. Good luck to you.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."


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