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Thread: Trying to make a complete family,,

  1. #1
    kaotic76 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Question Trying to make a complete family,,

    I know this is my first post here,,but here goes. I want to first say that my situation is extremely complex. I can only hope those with sound advice can relate and help me with my vision of this situation and make it for the best. I will start by saying my ex and I had been together for almost 3 yrs...we had a son a year and half ago..we were both in love or so I thought ,,she is 27 I am 36 going on 37. I truly believed in my heart we would be together forever and raise our son for the rest of our lives,,working together through life's pitfalls and being the best we could be for our baby boy. I have always been dedicated to that as soon as I saw my son being born,,and that will never change ,,whether this woman decides to be a complete family and work out our past issues or not. I guess what I am asking with anyone with some sound advice on here is ,,it has been a year and a half since she left and a few months after she got with some random guy ,,had pointless sex with him dropped him,,then to the best of my knowledge ,,she has been alone since then. I also have been with other woman ,,but my heart has been sealed off from them and as of now I too am single. I wrote her a couple of e mails as of late and I am trying to repair and mend this family in the hopes that we can be better than we ever were. I feel at times she has alot going on and I shouldnt force things,,she knows my thoughts and my heart,,but I am not going to wait forever and she knows this,,I feel she is worth it if she commits and we become better,,yet I guess her effort as of late has been lackluster at best. I know it will take time ,,and if she gets with another guy I will have my answer and then and only then will I only see her as just the mother of my child. I guess I am just looking for some new ideas to be the person she fell in love with ,,be better than him,,I dont drink dont smoke,,I am just trying to survive in this sad town that I exist in,,I truly want to get her back in my arms and KNOW that she will be happy with me like never before. I have been doing some light Kino as of late ,,when I leave the visits to see my son she will have him in her arms and I hugg him but I have been close to her,,the last time I was holding her arm as I hugged my son,,so she is becoming more comfortable again and I know that small steps are better than no steps,,but anything I can do to give her new insight would be good,,anything from anyone on here,,any ideas to get her to realign to me? Thnx in advance all,,peace.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    This might be the the only post that I'm willing to help a guy get his ex back.

    We need to know a few things first.

    Why did you two split?

    How does you custody agreement work?

    Why do you want her back? For yourself? For your kid?
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  3. #3
    kaotic76 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    I want to get back with her not only for my son,,but in my heart I feel she completes me.I am not exactly sure what broke us up..she was going through alot of post partum depression and it was 2 months after our son was born. I had a rough beginning with her because I thought she cheated with me in the very beginning of our relationship and I got around my other childs mom,,she was there and we got intimate again and she got pregnant ,,the girl with my son knew all of this and we both decided that it would not stop us ,,she even told me when I got back from the hospital that when was it her turn and I apologized and we put it behind us,,or so I thought,,I can only hope to have a complete family with her and my other child's mother is abusive and she has taken my daughters out of state,,and I only want to be able to see them. I got a restraining order put on me by her mother and her and it was for one day a week with my son for 2 hours each time,,hardly enough time to bond with my son..I just want us to work together and be the best we can be,,I feel that it is still worth fighting for,,I have heard mixed emotions from her sometimes she says she doesnt care at all other timesshe wants to know where I am living ,,what I am doing etc...and it extends beyond the normal child responsibilities,,so like I have said ,,I feel we can work through this,,I can only build a bridge halfway,,it is up to her to work on her side.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    But in my heart I feel she completes me.

    Don't romanticize this. This is not Disney. The world is not a romantic place.

    I am not exactly sure what broke us up.

    When a doctor does not know the cause of an illness he or she treats symptoms. Treating symptoms doesn't fix the problem. In time band-aids fall off. Without known causation there is no plausible remedy.

    My other child's mother is abusive and she has taken my daughters out of state.

    So you have two baby mamas and a known minimum of three children. Which family are you trying to complete? Are you mormon? Because you've already started two. In your initial post you only make it known that you want to get your ex back who has your son. Only later do you bring to the table another family that is apparently no long applicable.

    Court systems give custody to the mother by default. You can argue but it's based on statistics. Your multiple children are now factors outside of your control. Your life is a product of you. You don't know the causation of your second baby mama leaving you because in order to find it you would have to do something that you have never done, and I can say that because the answer would be blatantly obvious: you. You are the problem. Your first baby mama may be abusive, and that is on her, but the choice to select her as a reasonable mate is not. Mating is reciprocal, making the deciding factor mutually and individually 100%. Your second baby mama no longer wants to be with you either, so which is more likely? Both of them being f*cked up? Or you? And even if it were them, you chose them, which makes it, once again, you. Then, you come on here intentionally not explaining the situation to its fullest extent because you wanted a band-aid, not a solution.

    I'm sorry, but I am not willing to help you get your ex back.

    Best of luck to you.
    Wondering where I am now? Check out my latest project:


  5. #5
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    First of all you need to take a step back and look at both situations. You have two fronts going on with your ex and daughter out of state and with the mother of your son and him, and trying to solve complex issues like these requires patients and logical thought. You don't mention your issues like employment, your present home,and are you able to take care of yourself financially and mentally, and if these things are a barrier to solving the other issues I would then suggest that you work on those first. Once those are solved then you can concentrate on seeing your son more often as well as your daughter, and believe it or not when your ex and your sons mother see how independent and strong you are then they will navigate back to you. Right now you are being to needy basing your happiness on them in hopes of becoming a family unit once more so the more you go after her with this the more they will flee from you. So stop being needy and desperate for a whole family and work with what you have for the present (once a week with your son) and try to reach out to your daughter be it emails, telephone calls or the postal letters to let her know that you still care and love her, and that the present circumstance does not warrant seeing her at this time. Work with the legal system to increase visitation with your son, and also if you are supporting your daughter financially you have a right to have visitations with her but its best to seek legal counsel for your particular state. Only when you have gotten yourself together and show that you are independent financially and strong emotionally will things start falling into place for you. All the best to you my friend!

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    I'm still in hayatus, just saw this in your post Cody... and I had to join the party...

    I don't know if my "liking" both of Cody's replies is a clear enough message, so I'll explain:

    I "like" the first reply because rarely will we give advice on getting-the-ex-back - usually it is more effective to get-over-the-ex and then re-examine whether or not she was so great to begin with. I "like" Cody's first reply because I think the fact that he would (originally) consider helping get an ex back is a testament to how much a difference an active father can make in the life of a child (son or daughter) - something I can attest to personally.

    I "like" the second response for the same reason under different considerations; BECAUSE a father is such an influential role in the life of a child it is necessary that YOU not only become a part of their lives (your sons as well as your daughters) in a BENEFICIAL way by becoming the true embodiment of what we PUA's call "high-value" (deep down inside this is something that only YOU can assess yourself accurately on - it is a combination of intention and ability to do good for your children).

    And I think the mistake of reproducing with a female who is "abusive" to her (and your) offspring is the exact mistake which might cost you the benefit of tips-to-get-your-ex-back from several members of this forum, because such an error in judgement implies a potentially detrimental father figure. But fear not... yet.

    I, myself, believe in second chances, but not unconditionally. It is fortunate that the way to get your ex back is the exact same way that will be the qualification between being a BENEFICIAL and a DETRIMENTAL father figure. If you accomplish this way you will get your ex back as well as being a good father figure; if you don't accomplish it then you will not get your ex back but you might also not have been the most beneficial father figure.

    The way to get her back AND to be a good influence on your kids is to be a high-value mate for the woman - meaning that your influence will increase the likelihood of the survival of her and her offspring. This means be responsible, be employed for financial comfort and stability, be morally respectable, be wise, have integrity, and be understanding of reality; because though reality may be cruel sometimes, it is consistent in both punishment and reward - you must understand the nature of both. Do not be bitter, and know (truly know) yourself.
    Last edited by Autismus; 11-01-2012 at 10:11 AM. Reason: syntax again on second proofing
    DTF HB's omw 2 LTR

  7. #7
    kaotic76 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    Hmm..well reading both of Cody's responses I am somewhat skeptical with how I present things,,I may have not totally dug up all the skeletons between her and I but doing so in here is not going to make things better. I totally agree with becoming more high value,,I am never going to leave my son regardless if she decides to drag another guy into the picture,,I know my reason to be involved with this woman,,and most guys nowadays see a girl with a child and they dont care for that child at all..most of them are looking to get into the mothers pants and run..seen it a million times. I will also address the financial status I am on right now..I am with a roommate and I have a small seasonal job as of late,,and as far as my other childs mother being cotrolling and abusive ,,I tend not to judge too quickly..I have made mistakes ,,but getting with my daughters mother and having 2 beautiful daughters was NOT a mistake. I love them the same as I love my son. I will be there for my son just like my other children in any way I can. I am working on becoming better everyday I am a white belt in my mind and I still feel I can be a complete man for my son's mother,,I was before and I am striving to be better everyday. I also didnt intentionally write a monster long post..wow calm down tonto,,you act like you could turn this all around by just snapping your fingers if I was to follow your advice,,calm down Rocky..lol. I also lastly dont want a band aid ,,I want a workable plan and some general ideas and pointers..and then Cody you end it like I was just begging for your input..so who was misleading who? I can say that my intentions are pure and I know my heart,,all I am doing is following it and my mind is hoping for ideas to implement and put effort into because I believe that in time ,,we can be better.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    I'm sorry if you don't like my literary mannerisms, but I treat men the same way I treat women: I assume value.

    you act like you could turn this all around by just snapping your fingers if I was to follow your advice

    Call it what you want, but I could. Getting your ex back is easy. The work behind keeping her is exponentially harder, and once you put in that work (which will take years) you don't want her back anyway, unless she has your child. I know because I've been there. Not with the child, but with bettering yourself above your ex.

    To explain the entire process would take an excruciating amount of time that I don't have, especially time that I'm not getting paid for. I am a narcissistic f*ck at best, and I am well aware of that and entirely okay with it. It took me a long time to get here. I am willing to help others as long as it isn't too far out of my way, of which this is, and that is why I wished the best to you. Beyond that reach it needs to benefit me, which this wouldn't. That's business, so instead I wished you the best and I meant that. There are other guys here capable of helping you, many of them much nicer and more optimistic than me.

    If you want it, you can do it. That's my advice for you.
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  9. #9
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    Cody:
    Don't romanticize this. This is not Disney. The world is not a romantic place.


    I'm still laughing. I love it

    It's kinda a TL,DR

    Cody knows his shit, follow his advice
    Never need praise, sympathy, or approval



  10. #10
    kaotic76 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Trying to make a complete family,,

    I know it will require work,,and you say getting her back is easy,,obviously you dont know this girl. I am willing to put in the time and effort and be patient and I feel that being genuine and true will be for the best,,when she left she threw me out of the house when I was in college ,,and then gets with some random guy like 3 months after she left me,,,I can forgive her for everything but the time I have lost with my son. I am only looking for some simple ideas or things I have yet to try,,and true there may be nothing in it for you,,but karma is a extremely powerful force and if I was in your shoes ,,and someone approached me with genuine intent on his family,,I would try to help in any way possible,,in any event ,,I am taking it day by day to reach my goal. I also yes ,,do want her back I believe we can be a caring ,,loving family and be the best we can be for not only ourselves but our son also..I believe that the world COULD be a romantic place if ppl cared more and valued each other better,,but it is the world we live in.


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