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Thread: Need Advice On How To Proceed

  1. #1
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Need Advice On How To Proceed

    Haven't posted here before, but really need advice on how to handle this.

    My ex and I were friends for months before we tried dating. She knew beforehand that there was an age gap between us, but she spoke with her friends beforehand. Some of them were in similar relationships with people older or younger than them. One night while we were at a mutual friends house she mentioned that she should try dating an older guy instead of guys her age because they all treat her the same way. I figured that this was as good a time as any since she brought it up.

    We were together for a couple of months and we were absolutely perfect together. Share damn near all the same interests and could do anything together and be comfortable. The sex was great for both of us and we could just sit and watch a movie and not say a word wrapped up together under a blanket. I helped her improve a few things in her life that she wasn't motivated to do on her own or didn't know how to do, and she got me out of a longtime slump of wanting to do nothing except sit on the couch and watch TV. I fell in love with her and her son. When she'd go to work he'd stay with me and we'd sit on the floor and play with toys I got for him and watch cartoons all day. Every time we had a disagreement on something we were always able to work through it, except one.

    One night while she and her son were staying with me at my place I got up to grab something to drink out of the fridge. I hit the button on her phone to see what time it was when I saw a message from some guy saying "We belong together" and "I can't wait to hold you in my arms again." I didn't delete them or anything. A few minutes later she woke up and came into the living room and asked why I was sitting there by myself. I told her I looked at her phone to see what time it was and saw those messages. I calmly asked her what was going on and she told me it was some guy she dated for two weeks. They weren't anything and that he must have misunderstood a text she sent him and that she would tell him he had to stop sending things like that. We had a lot of trust in each other so I took her up on her word. For awhile they stopped and then after a couple of weeks started again. I wasn't even paying attention and hit her phone again and saw another one, "I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you." I asked her about it and she said it had to stop and told him again. She said he had one more time and then she wouldn't talk to him again.

    The final straw came when it did happen again. I went to her place to stay the night because I was going to use her car the next day to go pick up some friends from out of state and bring them home. Everything was fine till she was sitting next to me and got a text. I glanced over from watching TV and saw that it was him again asking if he could see her this weekend. I didn't say anything, figuring she would handle it. Guessing she didn't see me or notice that I saw what was going on because she said she had plans but they would get together after the weekend. She was supposed to stay with me at our friends house that weekend to help him with his kids because he dislocated his shoulder.

    I asked her why she didn't tell him to text her again and she said he was a friend and she didn't want to loose a friend. This pissed me off, and I should have just let things go but didn't. I told her it was bothering me that she would let this guy do this. If it was me and some girl was doing this to me I would tell her goodbye because you are more important to me than her. Then she brings up that I shouldn't make her choose. She starts gathering all my things and all the things I gave her and packing them up. I try to talk to her but she won't say a word. The whole time her 2 year old is trying to climb into my lap and hug me. After she gets all my things together she asks me to leave and won't speak to me. I tell her I love her and her son and don't want it to end like this. After about 5 minutes of silence I grab my things and leave.

    We didn't talk for a few days. She was still on my FB page so I went through posting all the things I was doing, hanging out with friends, going to movies. Even put up new pics of haircut. She would Like things. A few days later she called with a question that I knew she knew the answer to. I talked like nothing was going on with me and we had a fairly nice conversation. The next day she calls again with another question, something she could have called anyone for but called me instead. Again we talked for a bit and I asked why she closed her FB page. She said she needed a break from it. I asked her jokingly if she was going to add me back to hers and she said not for awhile. I said cool and we hung up.

    A few days later I texted and asked if I could bring the things I had of hers to her. I probably shouldn't have done that. She said if I felt like it. I took them to her and we talked a bit and I turned to my opened trunk and put my head on my arm and stood there. She moved closer and hugged me, she said it may not seem like it at the moment but that she still cared about me.

    A week later I sent her a text and asked if she and her son wanted to have lunch with me. She had orientation at a new job that day and I told her I'd watch him while she was at work. He and I watched cartoons, ate and had fun. When she showed up I made her lunch and she sat on the couch a couple feet away and we watched TV a bit. She leaned her head over and I started stroking her hair like I use to when she was tired. Everything was fine until I started talking about us. Probably shouldn't have done that. She said she didn't know if we could be together again over and over, and she wouldn't look me in the eye when she finally said we couldn't.

    Another week went by and I didn't contact her. One day a friend and I were looking at TVs where she worked and she happened to be there. She took her break and we wandered the mall while my friend was off somewhere else. We talked and laughed and went to get a soda before she had to go back to work. We went into a store where I was going to buy a hoodie I wanted. I saw one she wanted and they were having a sale so I bought it for her as a Christmas gift. I expect her to act like she didn't want it, but the only thing she said was she still had to get me something. We had a good time and then I left, telling her I had to be somewhere else shortly even though I didn't.

    She finally unblocked me from her FB page and I can see she is now in a relationship with the guy show kept texting her. As far as she knows I don't know this, I haven't acknowledged it or sent her anything. I happened to run into his ex at a party a friend of ours had and asked her why she left him. She said he was a complete dick and treated her like crap. My ex won't leave her son with him, and when her son isn't with his dad she doesn't go around this guy much.

    Now, here's the thing. Her son loves me, and I know she still has feelings for me cause she told a mutual friend she did. I finally figured out what happened during all of this. She wanted to go back to this guy, but because I told her at the beginning of the relationship that cheating was an automatic quit, no friendship, no nothing she used the argument we had as an excuse to break off our relationship instead of cheating. The whole time we were together she was only at her house twice, the rest of the time she was with me or at work. I'd drive her there and get there to pick her up 20 minutes ahead of time, stopping to say hi and walking around the store while she finished up. While I wish she would have just come to me and explained the situation, she didn't cheat so I can't hold that against her. When we talked about us she wouldn't even look at me. I happened to have the opportunity at a friends part to talk to his ex and ask why she broke up with him. She said he was a complete dick and treated her like crap.

    If she had feelings for me and wanted to remain friends then there is something still there. She jumped into a thing with this guy within weeks of breaking it off with me, and all the other signs like not leaving her son with him, hanging around him much when she has her son and still occasionally talking to me says this is a rebound relationship.

    I haven't been sitting still. I've been working on myself and getting a new job offshore that will allow me to do all the things she and I planned. I haven't reached out to her telling her I miss her, but she knows I'm still here. We have small talk occasionally and its hard to avoid her since we have mutual friends. Some people have told me to break it off completely while others have said be her friend, be there when what she has falls apart and she will come back if she still loves me somewhere in her heart.

    Guess the question I'm asking here is how do you deal with the wait? I have some patience but not a lot. Some days are good for me while others I just fall apart. I've been married twice and divorced twice. Every time I've broke up with someone except once, and that is one I regret not fighting for or waiting for twenty years later. I can't let that happen again. I won't let that happen again. This woman turned my life upside down, and dealing with other breakups I know if this isn't love I wouldn't give a damn about her two months later. She motivated me, she made me laugh, she made me feel alive for the first time in 5 years.

    What would you do to get her back?

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    Hey man, you are not alone. It sounds pretty intense for being together for just a couple of months. The easy part is getting her back, it's keeping her that's the issue.

    Honestly I am not sure if there was anything you could've done about the other guy. Maybe if you built more attraction, but that's not even guaranteed. Now I'm sure you are thinking you had attraction. You're right. However, attraction is such a broad term that I haven't really come up with a more clever name other than "initial attraction" which is what I am talking about. The initial attraction is that mystery feeling. That feeling that makes you want to know more. It's that curiosity. This is just my guess of what she was feeling.

    Come to think of it, perhaps you did come across as too much of a solid guy too soon. You became very close to her son after just a couple of months. That is simply really intense. The only woman I dated who had a child took me about 4 months before I even started to hang out with her child. Before I wouldn't even bother trying to get close to her. And that little girl grew on me after that.

    I think you should be more unpredictable. You want to give her the feeling that she is NOT sure if you will be there the next day, at the same time be the strong one. The trick to that is to never let her go so easily, while not reacting to her emotional outbursts.

    I do believe her when she says she used the argument as an excuse. This is not good. She doesn't know what she wants and is willing to put a good thing in jeopardy to satisfy her curiosity. She is NOT a woman, but a girl. (No offense. This is meant to help with your mental state.) So start viewing her as a "girl" and you'll see that she does NOT have more value than YOU. If you want a good step in the right direction to develop uncontrollable attraction on her part then you need to put yourself first. Become extremely selfish and don't apologize for it. Why? ....I don't friggin know. I just know that the stuff works.

    Have standards and realize SHE is in the wrong and not you. So she doesn't have the luxury of opening up to you or vice versa. She doesn't get to have you BUY her things for a Christmas gift when she PLAYED you and thinks she can just have you back. (She acts like she doesn't want you back, but my guess is that she is just embarrassed about the situation and what she did.)

    Get upset and tell her to go f#$k herself. Why? Because being "cool" about stuff only should be used when first meeting a woman beings that she has no stake with you and wouldn't care if you got upset with her. This girl obviously cares so you have the right to get mad at certain things. And trust me, this is one of those times to get mad. Now I don't mean to REACT. You can still be MAD and not REACT. You get mad by telling her your expectations and standards. Do it in a loud voice even if it calls for it. NEVER tell her what to do. Simple state what you want or expect. That's it. Let her know that you will not allow anyone in your life that will act a certain way you don't like.

    You were NOT wrong for initially setting that boundary about the cheating. You basically got want you wanted anyways because she didn't cheat. That's a GOOD thing because it could have been worse. However, she still doesn't know what she wants so don't look at it that YOU have to get HER back. SHE has to get YOU back!! Now you never want to verbalize this. Trust me. It doesn't work. But your behavior should filter through this Mindset when you interact with her.

    Hope this helps and good luck my friend.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    Yeah there probably isn't anything I could have done. Best thing I've been told is to go back to being the guy she fell for in the first place, which is what I've done. When we first started talking I sent her my number on FB and told her that if she needed to talk to just text me. From there she initiated contact. I've set up the NC thing and she knows I'm here so if she wants to talk she knows where to find me. I'm back to being that guy she first met and now its only a matter of time. I have been concentrating on myself, but then again there are good days and bad days. I'm sure we'll run into each other considering we have mutual friends which won't be a problem. Just gotta be myself and everything else will fall into place.

    It was pretty intense in that I let myself fall into the relationship feet first and didn't look at what was going on around me, just what was in front of my face. Lesson learned there.

    Thanks for the advice. I was slowly coming to that conclusion about letting her try to get me back, but was missing a few steps inbetween.

  4. #4
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    I just remembered something when I reread through your post about her being embarassed about what she did.

    Two months before she and I started dating she broke up with someone she was dating at the time. He was going through a divorce and they had been seeing each other for awhile. He told her one day he was going back to his wife and that was that.

    I realized how familiar this is because its pretty much what happened here. She wanted to go back to this other guy she dated for a bit before getting into a relationship with me, and seeing as how that happened to her before is possibly the reason she did things the way she did. Also probably one of the reasons she couldn't come to me and tell me what was going on or give me a straight answer about any of it or look me in the eye.

    A couple of weeks after we split she and I were texting back and forth and I remember now that I said I messed things up and with we could start over. She replied that it wasn't my fault or anything I did. That tells me that she doesn't know what she wanted and you were right.

    Hardest part now is to not want to talk to her at all. Before we even started dating we talked everyday by text or FB. Now that we haven't talked for a week its all I can do to not pick up the phone and send a short text to see if she replies, which she was doing before I stopped sending her texts. Guess just gotta ride it out and hope for the best.

  5. #5
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    Okay I may have jumped the gun a bit here, but knowing my ex the way I do then this worked out better than I hoped.

    Haven't talked with her for over two weeks when I get a text today from a mutual friend telling me my ex was home sick today and could use some cheering up. Wondering why she told me this kinda piqued my interest. I wasn't going to do anything when another friend called wanting me to go see a movie and then things started falling into place.

    I broke NC and using some of what I've read here we had a conversation. What do ya think?

    Me: Whats up hoodie ninja? (My pet name for her)

    Her: Not feeling so well. (Knew here she was fishing for sympathy)

    Me: That's not good. Gotta work today? (A little sympathy, but not too much)

    Her: Called out. (She's always been a short texter, even before we started seeing each other)

    Me: Well least ya can get some rest. How was Halloween? (Little more sympathy and changed the subject before she could draw me in)

    Her: Boring. (We had plans for Halloween before we split. Included them in the reply text)

    Me: Didn't do anything? Ended up in Long Beach with niece and nephew. Was a blast!

    Her: Went out with little man for about 30 minutes.

    Me: Ah he get a lot of candy?

    Her: Nope. Didn't want a lot. Did get a license plate for my car though. (Her attempt to draw me back into talking about what she wanted. The license plate thing was another thing we were going to take care of together)

    Me: That's cool. Heading to see the new Silent Hill. Let ya know how it is. Laters. (Turned the message back to something else she and I planned to do together and didn't give her an option about if I'd text her back about it. Also, ended the conversation on my terms)

    The last one was sent 4 hours ago. Figured I'd wait a couple of days and tell her my friend and I met more friends after the movie and went out for drinks and to shoot pool. Want her to know that my life doesn't revolve around her and that I can still have fun without her.

    So, was this a screw up or a good way to reopen communication?

  6. #6
    hyp
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    i've read the whole thread but i'm not putting an input in it, leaving it for the pros

    So, was this a screw up or a good way to reopen communication?

    hell no, you ended it like a man, who cares if she didn't reply on that last one, but the next time she drops you a text, don't reply to it. About 24-48hours she'll send another one, and it will drive her mad, up until the 3rd/4th text where she is like wtf is going on he usually replies by now (in her mind) and then maybe you can drop her a bone but nothing over-needy

  7. #7
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    That's the thing. This is how we talked when we first started texting back and forth. I can count on one hand how many times she texted me first. From what I know about her she likes to be chased.

    Sometimes she wouldn't answer anything, but one of the things she said she liked about me is I wouldn't harp on the same thing over and over, and if she didn't answer I wouldn't send the "Why aren't you answering me?!?!" kind of texts to her.

    Figure I'd wait a bit and send her another one, repeat the behavior from before that got her interested in me in the first place.

  8. #8
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    Kinda got me confused here. We have talked a bit since the last time I posted here. Usually nothing consequential, but she usually replies. I try to keep the conversation going and away from personal things. A few days ago she stopped replying. I think she noticed she was falling back into the habit she had of constantly texting me everyday, even if we didn't see each other. I've noticed her do this quite frequently since the breakup.

    Last night a friend and I went to the place she works so he could get a tv. He was talking to the sales rep and she walked up to me and the only thing she said was "My feet hurt." Told her it must be those boots she's wearing and walked off to look at something else. When my friend got his tv we left and by the time we got to the truck she was calling me. I didn't answer and I didn't say bye or anything to her.

    Now, today's my birthday. I've heard from friends and family already but nothing from her. I haven't had any contact with her for two days except the short exchange last night. I'm going back into NC and see what happens from there.

    Sound like I handled it correctly? I didn't tell her sorry or cave to her craving for attention.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    How often do you guys argue? Or has it mostly been smooth sailing.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  10. #10
    Michelangelo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need Advice On How To Proceed

    We never argue, cept the one time about the other guy. Everything else we came up against we talked out and moved past. If you're talking about recently when we were texting we didn't argue at all. I did my best to make her laugh and even made a joke about chaining her up in the shed out back that she played along with in following texts.


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