Here's what happened
While I didn't cheat I might as well have. We had a bad fight and I was sure things were over since she said she just didn't care anymore and was done, which obviously wasn't true because we reconciled. So I joined a dating site to post for advice in the forums before we had reconciled.(it was a site I used to be a member of so it was familiar, obviously I could have went other places, I could have joined ANY other place, but I didn't)
As things declined I found myself viewing profiles as I convinced myself that it was over. She found it that day I created the account and that's why things were going down hill, Why she was pulling away from me. As things got worse and worse and she refused to give me face to face time I started putting a few profiles into a favorites section on it. She finally guessed my password and confronted me, she gave me an opportunity to fess up without punishment and since I believed there was no way she could have known I lied, I quickly admitted that I did, then she asked if I messaged people and I told her no, which was true. I would never have done anything until she told me it was through. She asked if I viewed any profiles and I lied again.
Because I knew to me it meant nothing which is not an excuse in any way. Now it was too late, I lied, was caught then tried to rationalize why I did it. Which made things worse since it was all cause by me in the first place. I didn't cheat but I left myself a back up plan. In the event that she was going to leave me when in fact I caused her actions from the beginning. I asked for a second chance and she told me no, she said I was just like every other guy who farked her over in the same way. She said she couldn't trust me anymore and that she would always be looking over her shoulder and didn't want to be in a relationship like that. And I can't blame her. She told me since day one that this EXACT type of situation would be a deal breaker and I chose to block out those memories.
I asked her if it was over and she said it was probably best to end things before we truly started to hate each other. She said she would get back to me "soon" if things were permanently over. But i know from our conversation it was, she kept saying "you farked up dude, you farked up" Reminding me all the things she did for me when no one else was there for me"
So today she finally ended it, saying she'd rather be unhappy with someone else and take that risk rather then giving me another chance even though she knows that she'll never find anyone better then me. She made a promise to herself that if this happened there would be zero tolerance without forgiveness. She acknowledged that I didn't do anything too wrong and that she's just as guilty of doing nearly the same thing but she feels as if every time things get tough i'm going to look for a way out and that she's going to look back to that day every time there's a problem (when over the past 2 weeks I had every chance to bail) She said she still loves me and that she wanted to keep it that way before she hated me, however my image to her was ruined and that no matter the things I did for her in the past can't be used now as brownie points. She won't "allow" herself to compromise this "promise"
She said she would text me when we would exchange our things, so I dropped by before her shift was over (she works literally 100y from my house across the street) and had her leave her car open while I left everything inside. She came out and said thankyou even though she wasn't on break, she stood there staring at me and I could tell she wanted to say something, comfort, anger, anything. I said you're welcome and continued to load up her stuff as if she wasn't there. When she got off work she text me another thankyou and I responded simply with np. Nothing more, also changed all my passwords and deleted her from my existence. She is still very pissed and I can tell, she removed the pictures of us from her facebook (i dont have one so I know nothing more, my dad was the one who informed me) Instead she replaced her profile pic with a picture of my dog that I lost last year no doubt her way of showing that I lost 2 things, shes being stubborn and grudging at this point.
She and I still have some business to work out as she bought a car for me(longer story) but it was also an investment for us and she's going to make a 100% pofit at least. I am a man of my word and told her I would still sell the car for her because I made a promise and I didn't want her to put herself in a risky scenario by dealing with strangers on CL as I can handle myself but she can't. There are things I know you should and shouldn't do in a break up but I won't compromise my honor by risking her safety no, I won't argue about this.
Little background about me, I've never been a bitch like I have been for the past couple weeks. When I walk into a room I naturally feel like i'm in charge(multiple black belts and well as instructors certification makes it easy)
I don't ever feel uncomfortable in social scenarios, I just don't enjoy being there if I have a choice not to. I have no problem making myself at home whether or not I was invited or "should" be there. I have no problem talking to random people or screwing with people in public to see their reaction.
I'm in shape, handsome (not sure how to say it without sounding conceited) I have a KILLER work ethic, I have 2 jobs, and a side business as well as my own training. Not really because I need to, but I want to. Bad sh1t happens and I roll with it, turn it into something better. I'm also a complete asshole to people who earn the response but I told her from day one that I don't play games and would treat her like a queen. Everything in my life I did for her first, for the longest time she said "I know that if I don't keep him happy he'll walk out the door" And said it right up until a month or so before all this started to go down (since halloween) I guess I stopped doing the things that showed just how much I appreciated her, and in turn she did the same.
I did all the requisite reading about how to move on and how to "fix" things but most of them seemed a little vague to my issue. I know what I have to do, I know what I have to fix and I believe I have already fixed it.
So what if anything can I do to get her back? Or how the hell did I turn into that "fem" when I was always charismatic man that had my students and moms flirting with me uncontrollably? Or if anything, how can I accept what happened and just move on? I have alot of sh1t going for me right now and I won't allow this to fark any of that up.
I know this is the part where I make sure I want her and not just "someone" But she really was perfect for me, all my interests, challenging, sexy, gorgeous and our families loved one another. She was without a shadow of a doubt the one and I completely revamped my views on marriage when I fell for her.
I know that NC is mandatory right now but I still have the duty of selling the car so I can only assume to only contact her about business and leave everything else out.