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Thread: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

  1. #1
    shakobe33 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Hello everyone! I just found this forum about a week ago and have been reading it non stop ever since!

    I was hoping to get a little advice on getting my ex back.

    I'll give you a quick back story and I'll try not to make it long winded.

    My girl friend and I were high school sweethearts. We made it through high school, 2 years of college together, and 2 years of college with a long distance relationship after I transferred schools. We got along great!

    After one year of living together after college, we decided to go on an adventure and move to a completely new city away from all our family and friends so we could start our life together. Everything was great after the move! Life was a little rough and stressing financially due to the fact that I had to maxed out all my credit cards and spent all of my savings just to move us. I also was the only one working at first and making very little money.

    Eventually she got a job working at a retail store that she loved. She worked hard and got promoted within 6 months. I also changed jobs during that time and started earning twice as much money. She continued to work hard as she was promised another raise and a promotion soon. I gave her all the advice and help I could and encouraged her to seek the advice of the people above her who already had her position at work. Little did I know that the person above her was a shady 33 year old man (we are both 25), who was just recently separated from his wife. She began working very closely with him. I was completely trusting as we had never had an issue with trust before. Nothing in our relationship was out of the ordinary. She even texted me in the middle of the day to tell me she loved me and was thinking about me out of the blue.

    Then one night when she got home from work, I talked with her and she was very short with me. We went to bed and I gave her a kiss good night. It felt very strange. I asked her what was wrong and she just blurted out that she was breaking up with me and moving in with the guy she had been working with (her mentor). Apparently just days before that he told her he had feelings for her and would not be able to just be friends. She said she had never even thought about him in that way but when she did it excited her and she lost all attraction for me.

    Fast forward to a month later and I'm sitting here mostly broke, alone, and busting my ass to get her back! I am attempting to follow most of the advice I have read on here, as well as heavily relying on the Ex2 system. Of course the first couple of days after the breakup I texted her once each morning and called her once at night. I even sent one email to her after a couple days. I then realized no contact was the way to go and stopped communicating with her. Out of the blue she texted me the other day and asked if I wanted to see our dog because she knew I missed him. I said I did but did not make myself available as I was still trying to get over her and knew the emotional state I was in was not going to be attractive to her. She texted me again this week and told me she wanted to drop the dog off at my apartment while she went to get her hair done and then would come by and pick her up and talk to me after. I politely said I was busy and that she could meet me at the dog park if she wanted. She never answered back.

    I know she still has to have some feelings for me or she wouldn't be contacting me. Also, she is still wearing the promise ring I gave her even though she has been with this guy for almost a month now. Do I continue on the path of no contact? When is the best time to meet up? Do I just bide my time and hope she realized (or maybe her current boyfriend will realize) that their relationship isn't going to work?

    Any advice I can get would be greatly appreciated! I left out quite a few details so if anybody needs more information I will gladly provide it. Just can't afford to lose everything I've worked so hard for in the last 8 years!

  2. #2
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Buddy, I hate to tell you what your not going to want to hear. But don't contact her at all, zip, nada, zilch. The dog (I know you love it too), is collateral damage. Consider her and the dog gone from your life and start picking up the pieces. NO CONTACT, like Z-E-R-O. No texting, no phone calls. Shit happens, that shit she is with won't last. Read my story in this thread, I just got an update tonight, took 5 months, but it happens, and the only way to ever get her back is to forget her. When you finally reach that place, it will happen. It's not an easy road, it takes some serious soul searching and a lot of time running/exercising to try and not think about it. But if you have any self respect, you need to see what SHE just did to you. You were together FOR YEARS, and this dude just said he liked her and she DROPPED YOU! That my friend, is not ok. So don't be kissing up or even acting like you want her back right now, because trust me, YOU DONT!

    <3

  3. #3
    JT2012 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Quote Originally Posted by shakobe33 View Post
    Hello everyone! I just found this forum about a week ago and have been reading it non stop ever since!

    I was hoping to get a little advice on getting my ex back.

    I'll give you a quick back story and I'll try not to make it long winded.

    My girl friend and I were high school sweethearts. We made it through high school, 2 years of college together, and 2 years of college with a long distance relationship after I transferred schools. We got along great!

    After one year of living together after college, we decided to go on an adventure and move to a completely new city away from all our family and friends so we could start our life together. Everything was great after the move! Life was a little rough and stressing financially due to the fact that I had to maxed out all my credit cards and spent all of my savings just to move us. I also was the only one working at first and making very little money.

    Eventually she got a job working at a retail store that she loved. She worked hard and got promoted within 6 months. I also changed jobs during that time and started earning twice as much money. She continued to work hard as she was promised another raise and a promotion soon. I gave her all the advice and help I could and encouraged her to seek the advice of the people above her who already had her position at work. Little did I know that the person above her was a shady 33 year old man (we are both 25), who was just recently separated from his wife. She began working very closely with him. I was completely trusting as we had never had an issue with trust before. Nothing in our relationship was out of the ordinary. She even texted me in the middle of the day to tell me she loved me and was thinking about me out of the blue.

    Then one night when she got home from work, I talked with her and she was very short with me. We went to bed and I gave her a kiss good night. It felt very strange. I asked her what was wrong and she just blurted out that she was breaking up with me and moving in with the guy she had been working with (her mentor). Apparently just days before that he told her he had feelings for her and would not be able to just be friends. She said she had never even thought about him in that way but when she did it excited her and she lost all attraction for me.

    Fast forward to a month later and I'm sitting here mostly broke, alone, and busting my ass to get her back! I am attempting to follow most of the advice I have read on here, as well as heavily relying on the Ex2 system. Of course the first couple of days after the breakup I texted her once each morning and called her once at night. I even sent one email to her after a couple days. I then realized no contact was the way to go and stopped communicating with her. Out of the blue she texted me the other day and asked if I wanted to see our dog because she knew I missed him. I said I did but did not make myself available as I was still trying to get over her and knew the emotional state I was in was not going to be attractive to her. She texted me again this week and told me she wanted to drop the dog off at my apartment while she went to get her hair done and then would come by and pick her up and talk to me after. I politely said I was busy and that she could meet me at the dog park if she wanted. She never answered back.

    I know she still has to have some feelings for me or she wouldn't be contacting me. Also, she is still wearing the promise ring I gave her even though she has been with this guy for almost a month now. Do I continue on the path of no contact? When is the best time to meet up? Do I just bide my time and hope she realized (or maybe her current boyfriend will realize) that their relationship isn't going to work?

    Any advice I can get would be greatly appreciated! I left out quite a few details so if anybody needs more information I will gladly provide it. Just can't afford to lose everything I've worked so hard for in the last 8 years!

    Well from what I read the wounds are still very fresh for you. You said "fast forward to a month later" so I am assuming this is recent. I would give it more time though. No contact still. You want to use Push Pull method. But to me it seems like you don't have to do much because she is doing it to herself! She is using the dog as a pawn. She knows that dog is a free visitation so she is keeping that in her arsenal. The promise ring is a good sign. Right now that is her only piece of you she has left right now and she is yearning for more. She sounds like she is at a confusing time in her life. She doesn't know if she wants you or him.

    YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT. As an alpha you deserve to be the ONE man in her life, not ONE of her options. Work on YOU right now. You need to ask yourself the same question I ask myself when I miss my ex or think about trying to get them back. "If they came back and we got into a relationship, would anything REALLY BE DIFFERENT?" NO. It would be the same Tension. Time heals all wounds, including this one. You both need time. She need time to realize the dude she passed up for some jerk that is looking for a rebound from his marriage. YOU need to get your life in order financially and emotionally.

    Once she sees that you are "better off without her" (even if you don't think so make her think so) she will want you back. She desired something risky and was willing to throw it all away for a thrill. Don't let her back so easily. Work on you so you can thrill her later.

    What I would do: 1.) STOP ALL CONTACT. If she asks about the dog either take a few hours to respond or say that you are busy and can't right now or "I have plans to go out tonight" make her wonder if it's with friends or a new girlfriend. Show her your life is still going on without her.

    2.) GET YOUR FINANCES IN CHECK. If you can't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take her or any other girl for that matter on dates or fun adventures.

    3.) WORK ON YOU THROUGH ALL OF THIS MESS. If you can't love yourself, you can't expect someone else to love you right? Join a gym, work out, feel good about yourself. Eat right.


    It sounds like she misses you A BIT, not enough to get her back just yet. Continue the course of NC and self repair, your time to win her back will come, but right now it is too early. I mean, would you rather try to win her back now and have a greater chance failing OR wait, build your game up and win her over easily in time? If she is worth it, she is worth the wait.

    Best of luck.

  4. #4
    shakobe33 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Thanks to both of you for your replies!

    That is what I needed to hear! It has been exactly one month today that she left me and moved in with the other guy. To me, it has been an absolute eternity but in the grand scheme of things it really has not been long.

    Shortman, I am inspired after reading your story. While it is slightly different than mine, it sounds like you were able to make it through and now you have all the power. Power and control seems to be the biggest struggle when you are in this situation and I hope I am able to get to where you are now!

    JT2012, you made an excellent point in your post. I did ask myself the question "If they came back and we got into a relationship, would anything REALLY BE DIFFERENT?". The answer is absolutely NO. At first it might be slightly different, but they would quickly go back to exactly where we were. While it may hurt to see time pass knowing she is with another man, time is actually on my side. I was her whole world and did everything imaginable for her. What are the odds that she found someone else that is willing to everything I did and more, on her first try? I mean, since this guy is older he has a head start on his finances (he owns a 4 bedroom home and has a brand new truck while I live in a tiny apartment and drive an old gas guzzler), but eventually I will be everything he is and more! He is working at a retail store and isn't even a manager, while I am in the process of getting the necessary licences to become a stock broker and make BIG money! Score one for me!

    You are correct that she is likely using the dog as a pawn. When we broke up I had a hard time giving him up. I bought him for her last Christmas. When she left me, she said she did not know if her new guy was ok with a dog in his house so the dog stayed with me. A week later she asked for him back and I said maybe in another week. I finally ended up giving him to her but told her that I wanted to see the dog again but ONLY if she was alright with the idea of seeing me. She agreed, but now it seems like it has turned into a big game for her.

    The one problem I am definitely having with no contact is how to separate all of our belongings. Everything happened so suddenly that for the first week she only had a bag full of clothes that she took. Then she came back and got a couple of large suitcases full. Now we are down to the household items that we both claim ownership to. I don't know how to let her come get things without seeing her. The other obstacle is that our apartment lease is up in February so we have to have all of our things separated out by then because I feel I must move. It is too painful to sit in OUR apartment by myself.

    I am a naturally very skinny guy so I have been hitting the gym trying to pack on some muscle. I was a great athlete in high school and that is likely what originally attracted her to me. She chased me for years before I finally gave in. I feel like I can recreate that same attraction but it will take a lot of time. I appreciate the support and advice found on these forums. I will continue to work on myself and get through this. I DO deserve MUCH better than this. Once again, any other advice or opinions are greatly appreciated!

  5. #5
    JT2012 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    If she is playing a game with the dog, imaging how many games she will be playing with the appliances. What you need to do is get in touch with her before you move out and set up a time in which you and her can take a few hours and go over what is hers at yours. Honestly if some of the items aren't worth much or can easily be replaced you might be better off just giving them to her and avoiding a conflict. I mean what's more important, a pair of nice salt and pepper shakers or avoiding a memorable conflict with the woman you want back in your life?

    When it comes time to get together, treat her like an old friend. Maintain the alpha male character and make it seem like your last month without her was just like any other month in your life. DO NOT BE RUDE. Do not throw little jabs at her. If she brings up bits of the past between you and her, entertain the idea and laugh about the good times a bit but keep it to what the meeting is really about, to sort your belongings. Give off a feeling that your life is really good and you aren't that put off that she is gone.

    You want her to leave that apartment with her stuff in her arms and her heart still with you.

  6. #6
    shakobe33 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Thanks again for the sound advice JT2012. She actually showed up at the apartment without warning tonight. Luckily, I was just getting ready to go out with some friends when she showed up so I was lookin good! She came with her new guy's truck so she could get a full load. I was nothing but nice to her. I let her know that I was actually in a hurry so if there was anything I could do to help her get done quicker, I would. This worked in my favor as well as I've already been working out and was able to throw her stuff around a lot easier. She even commented on it! Also, she was asking me a lot about my life and what I was doing. After about her 5th question in a row, she said "sorry if it seems like I'm grilling you, I'm just curious what you've been up to!"

    I kept the conversation completely friendly...work, sports, family, friends, etc...She threw in a couple quick jabs by letting me know she's been having fun with this guy, but I brushed em off (even though it hurt). A couple of positives I think I can take from it. One, of course my ring is still around her finger even though she's sharing a bed with someone else. Also, before she left I gave her a similar line to the one found in the Ex2 System. After I threw the last load of stuff into the back of the pick up, I looked her in the eyes and I said "I just want you to know there are no hard feelings and I'm glad your happy." She was speechless for a moment and then said "Good, thanks..." as her eyes started watering and she had the same face I've seen a dozen times where she wants to say something but can't force herself to do it.

    Now the no contact truly begins! I'm riding a high right now and I know I'm going to break down again at some point as I will miss her but I feel like there's still a chance. Thanks again for the help everybody and once again, if there is any advice or comments I would gladly welcome and appreciate them!

  7. #7
    JT2012 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Quote Originally Posted by shakobe33 View Post
    Thanks again for the sound advice JT2012. She actually showed up at the apartment without warning tonight. Luckily, I was just getting ready to go out with some friends when she showed up so I was lookin good! She came with her new guy's truck so she could get a full load. I was nothing but nice to her. I let her know that I was actually in a hurry so if there was anything I could do to help her get done quicker, I would. This worked in my favor as well as I've already been working out and was able to throw her stuff around a lot easier. She even commented on it! Also, she was asking me a lot about my life and what I was doing. After about her 5th question in a row, she said "sorry if it seems like I'm grilling you, I'm just curious what you've been up to!"

    I kept the conversation completely friendly...work, sports, family, friends, etc...She threw in a couple quick jabs by letting me know she's been having fun with this guy, but I brushed em off (even though it hurt). A couple of positives I think I can take from it. One, of course my ring is still around her finger even though she's sharing a bed with someone else. Also, before she left I gave her a similar line to the one found in the Ex2 System. After I threw the last load of stuff into the back of the pick up, I looked her in the eyes and I said "I just want you to know there are no hard feelings and I'm glad your happy." She was speechless for a moment and then said "Good, thanks..." as her eyes started watering and she had the same face I've seen a dozen times where she wants to say something but can't force herself to do it.

    Now the no contact truly begins! I'm riding a high right now and I know I'm going to break down again at some point as I will miss her but I feel like there's still a chance. Thanks again for the help everybody and once again, if there is any advice or comments I would gladly welcome and appreciate them!
    Good. You did well and planted that seed in her memory. Only time will let it grow. Every time you feel unsure just reread a bunch of these forms and it will bring you back down to your feet. You thrilled her tonight. You threw her a curve ball and she def took notice.

    Mission accomplished.

  8. #8
    shakobe33 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Thanks again for the help!

    *Update* Since she left last Friday I have not contacted her. It has been tempting, but I've held out.

    I wanted some advice on how to handle her parents though. Her parents and I always got along but never really made a personal connection. They did a lot for me over the years with all the dinners, gifts and visits. One night a couple of weeks ago I was going crazy and wanted to talk to my ex. Instead, I decided to write thank you letters to her parents and her grandmother who was also a huge part of my life. They are both fairly short and very sincere letters just thanking them for everything they have done for me and how I hope that I will still hear from them regardless of what happens between my ex and I.

    I did not really plan on sending the letters but I am now thinking this might be a good idea. I feel like it will show maturity on my part (especially as they begin to compare me to this new guy). The last time I saw my ex I asked her if she could text me their addresses sometime so I could send them something. She said she didn't remember their addresses so she didn't know if she would. I told her it was not a big deal but if she was ever thinking about me it would be nice if she would look it up and send it to me. Now since about a week of no contact she texted them to me.

    I know she is visiting her parents back home right now. I think this will work in my advantage as that entire house is filled with memories of me and absolutely none of this new guy. My picture is on almost every wall of that house. I am going to wait several hours before I text her back a simple message that just says "Thanks!"

    Also, I was curious for opinions on where I should move. I am looking at renting a house with a back yard since I will be buying my own puppy soon. I found a perfect house with a great yard in my price range, but the only problem is it is actually about 3 blocks away from where she is living with this new guy. It really is just a coincidence and I don't want her to think that I am just trying to be close to her. It could potentially work to my advantage to be close by so she could come by easily but I don't know. As always, any help or advice is greatly appreciated!

  9. #9
    shakobe33 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Just another quick update, don't know if anyone else is even reading this or if this has become more of a personal journal but either way I want to throw this out there.

    Today while I was at work I received a voicemail. My ex and I had set up a joint google voice email so that we would each get eachother's messages. This message was from the new guy. He basically just said "Hey baby, I know you are busy, but I just wanted to let you know I was off work. I love you baby, bye."

    They have been together for just over a month now...LOVE?!? How is that even possible? They are moving at an incredibly fast pace that they can't sustain. I mean, they went from being friends, to in a relationship, to living together, to loving each other in around 30 days. I don't know who the catalyst is here. Is she pushing as fast as she can trying to get rid of all feelings for me that are buried? Is he possibly doing the same thing as he just recently signed the divorce papers from his ex wife? Or does he sense she may still have some feelings for me (which has to be a little obvious since she is still wearing my wring on her finger)so he is trying to lock her down before she second guesses herself? Either way, this seems to be a mess that will definitely be over later rather than sooner.

    I'm staying with no contact for the foreseeable future. I have a feeling she will attempt to contact me within the next two weeks but luckily I have one of my old friends coming to visit me during that time so that should keep me busy. Hope I'm doing the right thing! Any comments, advice, or anything is greatly appreciated!

  10. #10
    Shortman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I will get my ex back...but I need help!

    Stop or cancel that google voice account asap. Rid yourself of everything that reminds you of her, or put it in a place you will not find it. Continue focusing on you. Your still caught up with her, and it happens, but you will not get her back until you completely let go. Women have a 6th sense when it comes to this I swear to god lol. Just let her do her thing, that relationship will fizzle but you shouldn't even care if it does. You will find by dating others that there are women who are better than your ex in every way. It really is true, you just have to put in the work to find them.


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