Hey, I will try and break it down for you:
I broke up with her about 16 months ago. It was my decision and we were living together at the time (we bought the house together). I met her April 2007 and were together for about 5 years. There was actually a break up in between this time. I'll get into this more later. I am now 28 and she is 25.
I've come to realise I still love her. I have done a bit of dating and short term relationships after and it just doesn't feel like the bond we had. The thing was she had some problems. She had anxiety and panic attack problems which got worse through out relationship and she began to drink more and more and couldn't go a night without a few glasses of wine. This got worse when we lived with eacother ( she blamed work stress). She even self harmed quite badly one night when I wasn't there. To being all intimate, the sex dried up and we could go a month or more with no sex. She was coming home, drinking and cutting me off.
I paid the all the bills and she would sometimes help out with groceries, but of course she insisted on having 2 horses. She spent a lot of time looking after them and there's where a lot of her money went. She also insisted on 2 dogs in the house and came back with cats without even asking me.
She wasn't great at normal house chores meaning I was doing lots and lots, cooking, cleaning etc a lot more than her. I began to get cut off from friends as my time was hard to find.
This built up and up and then one day I found on her Facebook messages stuff from a guy about coming round to give her a massage when I was out. She was fully telling him yes and to come. I remember she even texted me around then confirming that I would be out said night. I found this outnaftervthe date and confronted her about it, she admitted it and said nothing happened she had a changer of heart when he arrived. After talking I believed her as there were no more messages, but trust was taken away amongst a lot of other issues came up. She blamed that I looked at her now that she wasn't attractive.
At that point in time honestly she was, she wasn't doing much exercise and drinking and smoking a lot and being depressed, with no sex drive which made me lose attraction. She also has an implant in her arm which is a contraceptive which makes her have a **** sex drive.
I started thinking then about us. After I found out she could have a man into our house behind my back, amongst the other issues. I stupidly thought **** it I'm going to do same. I made a online dating account and had a date set up very quickly. I wasn't thinking straight and went along and found this girl nice, attractive and gave me all the things my ex wasn't giving me, or so I though at the time.
I decided then and there that was it. A day or so later I broke it off with my ex and she moved out straight away, without much talk at all.
I went out with this girl for about 4 months and it was actually my ex who made me break up with her. We had no contact for about 3 months with the odd text just to sort something out. One time she asked me to help her out with her car. I did and when I saw her again she suddenly looked attractive again, much more than the rebound. We got on a bit better and we started to walk the dogs a bit together and got on well and started to get close and flirty. I admitted I was going to end my current relationship. One night she came over to shoe me her presentation. She was wearing a coat, needless to say she just had lingerie underneath. It was something I had missed from her for so long. We didn't do anything but the sexual Tension was so high. The next day she admitted being so wet in work all day and couldn't wait to get home to ****. I had never heard her talk like this when we were together and it was a great.
The problem was she had started to date someone at this time. I broke Jo with my current gf and we then had a few drinks/dinners where she came back and we had sex. Although she was still seeing this other guy. This guy is more working class and comes from a poorer background. Basically he a bit of a chav, although my ex had dated chavs in her past. My ex admitted her parents didn't really like him and they really liked me. I knew they did. Her aunty loved me and told her she should go back to me if she ever got the chance.
My ex admitted she was siding with me. She admitted she had loads of problems and understood why I ended it and we would work on things. But then she had a change of heart and continued to see this guy.
To be honest I wasn't sure myself at this point, so was fine. I started a series of short term relationships. To be honest the girls were had better traits than my ex. More intelligent, grounded, no emotional, alcohol issues. I just don't know but they never gave me the same feeling.
Then a few months later after not chatting much to my ex we got chatting again and decided to gout for dinner as a catch up. We had a good time and got chatting about us. She had a cold sore so we didn't kiss but were holding hands. She said she would like me back and chatted to some friends who were siding with me. She even asked me advice on how to break up with him. I left her that night, only for her mind to alter and she continued to go with her bf, with little explanation. Again, I didn't take it too bad and contined to go out and I started another short term relationship after the other.
We chat and text the odd time and its always friendly and nothing negative. I hadn't seen her in person for months, so I was near her work so suggested lunch. She agreed happily and we went and chatted about old times and stuff going on now both smiling and laughing together.
It was great so we went to lunch again 2 days later. This was only yesterday. After the first lunch date when I first saw her something went off in me. She looked so good to me. So much better than anyone that I had been dating. She just looked so cute. As we had lunch looking at her, I knew I missed her so much. I began to even question do I still love her? Anyway, I could tell she had made an effort to look good that day (we arranged the night before) her make up and hair were great and the second lunch date she wasn't as done up ( we only arranged that same day).
She seemed really interested in me. Talking about me coming out to see the dogs, her horses and taking photos. After when we were departing I could see she was delaying crossing the road. I admitted to her I miss her loads and I will always have strong feelings for her, although realised she was in a long term relatinship so didnt want to mess her around. She had this look in her eye but just said well hopefully we can be good friends.
She is living back her parents house now. She has being going out with this guy around 10 months I guess. I saw her for those lunches during the same week as valentines day.
I sent her a text late night this evening at 11pm just saying I really enjoyed seeing her last week and that would love to catch up more often. I haven't got a reply yet, but it was late and it's still the same night.
I'm a bit confused right now. I actually have a date planned next week with someone else and she seems really interested in me but she doesn't get my heart going like my ex. I really think I must still love her dearly.
I don't know what to do. Should I admit to her I love her? What's the next step.
That was good to get off my chest.