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Thread: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

  1. #1
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    Hey guys. I don't know how to organize what I want to say, but I am going to try my best. I am here because my ex broke up with me twice (nothing serious; just a lot of doubt on her part) and I really want to get back with her.

    Here's the story: My ex and I had been dating for about 8 months, and then she dropped the bomb on me--she wanted a breakup. The circumstance at the time was that she had been away on vacation for 1.5 months in a different country. During this time, we could not spend time together, go on dates, nothing; we only chatted over Skype. I was happy whenever I got the chance to vidchat her, but it would suck that I'd have to wake up at 3 am every morning to do it. At the time, I had a summer internship (I'm in college) that required me to wake up at 7 am every morning. A lot of the times we spoke, I was really cranky, which made my ex feel less appreciated. The only reason I was so cranky was because I was losing sleep! I explained that to her and she still felt it was not a good "excuse" (even though it was the truth). Basically, when she got back home, my ex said she felt like we were growing apart and that she can't see herself being with one person so early in her life. (We're both only 20 years old.) However, I conviced her that she couldnt just throw away our relationship because of the difficulties of temporary long distance. So she gave us another chance.

    Four months later, my ex brings up the idea of breaking up. This is when my heart sunk. During these 4 months, I could feel us drifting apart. I could have seen this talk coming, but I just ignored the signs, thinking things would eventually get better. We were always joking around one another (which was great) and were never really serious (we would do this thing where we only spoke to each other in funny accents). In a way, we sort of became "bros." This girl is really gorgeous, so the attraction was always there. I just think we stopped communicating with each other about how much we loved being together. We stopped having sex for a bit because I became a little depressed (I'm trying to go to med school, so I try to focus on my work as much as possible). My ex felt that I was too invested in work and less invested in doing fun things/going on dates with her. I stopped buying her gifts, teased her a lot, and just acted completely out of character. My stress over that 4 month period definitely contributed to a lot of arguments and prolonged periods of silence between us two.

    Saying this, I can completely understand that I was not the best boyfriend I could have been. I treated her right, showed her that I loved her, but my stress just messed things up. BACK TO THE BREAKUP: My ex's reasons for breaking up with me were numerous:
    1) she feels that we have different hobbies, which could make it hard for us to do things together (ex: she likes hiking and backpacking while I like watching/playing sports and hanging out doing dumb sh*t with friends); she also hated when I chose to stay home and watch football instead of hanging with her
    2) she is unsure about her sexuality (which came completely out of left field); she's been with guys her whole life and I am 100% sure this is some bullshit excuse to let me down easy.
    3) she can't see herself being with her first boyfriend forever (even though I never brought this idea up during our relationship. I think she is great enough to be my life partner, but I never gave off that idea when I was with her)

    Can you guys help me out? I want to find out if these are legitimate reasons or if the way I acted caused her to lose interest in me. I was very confused when she told me all these things. What confused me more was when she explicitly stated she wanted to be friends with me. In doing this, I think she wants to have me around just in case she changes her mind about us being compatible. What do you guys think her intentions were for saying this? I want to get her back because I have a lot of insight as to what went wrong and feel like I can improve our relationship.

    But there's more. Ever since the breakup, she's been spending a lot of time with one of her good guy friends from home. I knew him during our relationship, and I know he's a nice guy, but I just hate the thought of her being with another guy when I truly believe she and I can work. They went on a road trip together and are going backpacking for Spring Break (the way I know this is because she told me; I have been doing NC for a while but she brought it up when I saw her the other day). I'm pretty sure the guy has feelings for her and I'm sure she is very close to him as well. Is this just a rebound type thing? Maybe she just fell for the first guy who gave her the same attention I used to give her, right?

    Anyway, I would really appreciate some advice on the right steps to get her back. Since the breakup, I have been exercising and even got some new clothes. My ex has even complimented me on the fact that I lost some weight, and numerous times, she has said, "Nice pants!" or "I really like your outfit." There was a period where we didn't talk for 2 weeks, but I caved and agreed to her friendship proposal, thinking it would make me be the better person and because I had been doing a lot better emotionally. However, since that friend agreement, we've spent zero time together. Should I just shift into complete NC or should I stay along and be her friend?

    Thanks for all your help!!

  2. #2
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    Hey man.

    Good info.

    You only have 1 option here at the moment and that is to disappear for a while. You need to regroup and think about what is really going on.

    From your post it seems very obvious to me that she has totally lost interest in you and you cannot get that back by always being there for her.

    I'm sure she has lots of friends, so do not go there. She is your ex. She no longer qualifies for preferential treatment. She has made her mind up so let her realise the consequences of her decision.

    Your only option is to go NC - hardcore NC. Nothing. Not a peep.

    You have broken up twice now - take that as a hint and walk away before you get hurt.

    We all talk about NC like it's easy btw. But its not and that's what seperates the men from the boys. Start right now and get your dignity, confidence and self-respect back.

    There are no magic answers bro - its about self preservation now. It's her loss - make her realise it.

    Good luck and be strong.

  3. #3
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    I thought that was the case as well, but then the compliments started to become lots of physical contact. We even had sex a month ago. One day last week, she and I were in a meeting for a student group on campus that we're both in and she asked me to sit with her. Throughout the meeting, she would make jokes and try to laugh with me, which I thought was odd considering the serious circumstances between us. At one point, she stroked my arm and said "I miss your soft skin" and she also stroked my sideburns because she always loved my facial hair. I was confused by her misleading actions and called her out on them. I said, "If we're gonna be friends, you can't cross that line because I do not want to be lead on by you." She apologized and promised to not do it again, as it was just a force of habit.

    But I do completely agree with NC. The only reason I agreed to be friends with her is because I wanted her to feel like she could contact me at any time. My real intentions were to just set up a false friendship and then go NC hardcore for the next month. It's gonna be rough with Spring Break coming up, but I'm gonna try my best. Thanks for the advice!

  4. #4
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    UPDATE: My ex and her friend are officially a "thing," according to Facebook. She's put up pictures of them together on their trip and she's says she's "so happy." I cant help but think she is just burying her feelings for me using this guy.

    I've been doing NC for 6 days now, and have zero urges to contact her. I don't feel as shitty as I did a few weeks ago. I'm just gonna keep taking this one day at a time. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, right?

  5. #5
    JT2012 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    The man is clearly an orbiter. Like a shark that smells a wounded animal in the water, that is when they strike. He clearly is a rebound. She still has feelings for you, that much is clear for her IOIs. I mean you just told us she was touching you telling you she "misses your soft skin". She is preoccupying her mind and trying to burry her feelings for you with this other guy. She is using him to take her mind off things. Stand your course. This is a good thing. Start getting your life in order and go out and start talking to other girls, she will notice. Once you are the new hot thing on the dating scene, she will see you as valuable, as the "hot item" thats all the girls want. She will desire you more than she currently is fighting.

  6. #6
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    NC for 19 days now. Any other advice guys?

  7. #7
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    She had 2 bites at the apple bro and she farked it up twice.

    Stand your ground. Maintain NC. You don't need her to make you feel good - show it! Get out and enjoy life without her.

  8. #8
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    Uh oh, it's looking like NC is doing me some good. My ex just texted me asking how I was doing? I have yet to respond because I don't know if I should. Any advice on how to proceed?

  9. #9
    yankee4life is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    My ex just got in contact with me again. Last time, I kept the conversation casual. I let her do most of the talking and remained neutral when talking to her. She wanted to find out how my family was, how my semester is going, etc. The thing is though, I don't know if she's doing this because she wants to remain close with me or if its just for an ego boost. It's been 4 months and I'm still not over her. Should I tell her to back off? Maybe say "hey Ive still got feelings for you and want to be more than friends. I need to know whether or not you see us getting back together so that I can finally move on. If you don't want anything to do with me romantically, stop contacting me every two weeks."

  10. #10
    CriticalRap is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I Want to Get Back With My Ex

    Nonononononooooo!

    Don't just shout out that you want her back, you might as well pull out a gun and shoot your own foot!

    Game her man! Don't come across as needy, play it like she's a girl you've got a crush on, not an ex. You want to make her want you back.


    If she's contacting you that's good. Ask if she wants to get a coffee, you set the day, time and where. Be yourself, and have fun with her and she will come back to you.


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