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  1. #1
    KrazyK is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Need help saving a long distance relationship

    Need advice on maintaining a long distance relationship. My girlfriend decided she wants to call it off and extend her stay overseas to continue teach and to improve her Chinese. Was a great relationship when we were together, but the distance and time is killing the spark and I felt I took a beta approach to this unknowingly.

    Her email from this morning:

    I have been thinking about this recently and well, i really dont think this is going to work out. Mainly because of the distance. I have decided I want to stay in China and persue my career and possibly become a sweet ass chinese translator (given th hiring for ATC is not really plentiful right now due to recent budget cuts). The problem is, we are so far away from eachother, its hard to communicate everyday plus you also loose the physical aspect with a long distance thing. I also know that you are a lot older than I am and probably have different priorities such as starting a family. I do want those things but not for a while yet, I would like to establish myself in the world first. I know you were probably thinking the same thing as far as the long distance relationship goes so i thought id just make it easier on both of us. I think you are a really great guy and know you will find someone equally as awesome to be with. Also, in our discussion earlier today I know you said you were looking for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and I just dont know if I am ready for that right now. I know youre also probably thinking its pretty pathetic that I decided to tell you this in an email. However, the best way for me to express my feelings is actually through written word so its better to put my feelings out there. Also with my limited communication means its really my only option right now. If you want to talk about this on skype or whatever, I am more than happy to. I know you have a lot to do in the upcoming weeks with your new job and I wish you the best luck, youre going to do a fantastic job! I think it would be really cool if we could remain friends. I am sorry it had to be this way but in the long run I feel it is the wisest decision. I hope you are not so stressed getting ready for your new move and that it all goes smoothly.

    Best regards,
    .....

    I have an lengthy response ready, prob put it up in the post. Should I leave a simply response like a "k" and freeze her out for 2-4weeks or put my heart on the line and send the response I made?

  2. #2
    KrazyK is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help saving a long distance relationship

    My prepared response:
    .....,

    Probably not the best the way to do such things, I prefer it being direct and able to hear it first hand. My intentions is not to scare you into marriage or rush things to the next level, but developing our relationship first. Think considerations of others for your actions and think how they affect others. Especially since what we went through on New Years, we both invested a lot of time and emotions into each other into such a short period of time. I've been thinking about my future too, it's still going to be quite a while till I'm ready for marriage in a way the 30's is the new 20's, lol. Don't let my age play a factor here, age is a number you made a big deal about it. remember silly. Yes a career is something worthy to pursue, if you really cared you would try to make things work and come to a compromise we're both be satisfied with. That's why I thought the a Stewardess position would of been perfect, you'll be able to still practice Chinese and go to China regularly, we'll able to see each other on a somewhat regular basis, as well as that your family and friends that miss you too. Just looking at job listings for the D.C. area there are open jobs for you and training with travel too, Chinese is a hot language . Not saying your actions are shellfish, just think you've just been blindsided with your recent experiences and fail to realize that China will still be there and no need to rush things and get settle there, you still have a whole life time ahead of you. I do feel disappointed in your actions, we talked about making plans together in the future and this comes as quite a blow to myself. Seeing how the outcome of this becomes more bleak overtime. Getting committed into a relationship and saying that you love a person, is kind of a big deal, as you proved during New Years, remember, lol?

    Wish you came back discuss things with myself, settle and take care of matters back in Grand Forks, talk it over with friends, family and myself and not try to burn bridges with Julie, lol. I know that China is all you know with your limited travels, but there's so much more to see and do to open and broaden your horizons, you're still young. Seeing that a stewardess job will actual help you too, to travel and experience more of the world. Don't get distracted by the all the shiny things you see in life and let them throw you off coarse. I am little stress about things and you just added to it, you're timing could be a little bit off, just saying. I have a lot things on my plate too, it's not that I'm mad about this, something I don't need this right now with everything that's going on. I truly do love you and believed you loved me too. I have been noticing a change in your behavior over time since you left. The feeling that we're becoming more distant as time goes on, maybe I could do more my part too, but it's a team effort. You might see video chat boring, but it's good to see each other eye to eye, it's keeps it more human, lol. It's not like I hadn't been trying to come up with solutions and options to make this more bearable for the both of us. Thinking we should reestablish the spark we used to have, like during Christmas break leading up to your departure.

    Yes, you're starting a new chapter in life, but the book is still unfinished and don't skip the chapter about us.

    Love,
    .......

    Any thoughts or critiques on this?

  3. #3
    KrazyK is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help saving a long distance relationship

    Any help out there, I don't want to screw this up? Want to be an Alpha here and get her to see things my way. Just want to know what to send as a response. Calling all PUA all-stars, lol.

  4. #4
    KrazyK is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help saving a long distance relationship

    I decided not to respond yet and continue to freeze her out. She tried contacting a few times asking about the email or if I received her messages on Skype and just now as I'm typing she tried calling tried Skype calling 3 times in a row and left more IMs asking about the message she sent. I think she's starting to get worried, but it's the second day so far.

    I know shouldn't initiate contact with her yet, but want to. She's a TDR (Private Dancer) personality. I have tried freeze outs before when she gets mad for no reason in the past early on in our relationship and she came begging for my forgiveness to ask her back, hoping it will work in this situation without having to wait 2-4 weeks. Hopefully this will install a fear of of loss within her.

    She can be really insecure at times, but can have bad mode swings especially during her time of the month. I can and have used her insecurities to my advantage before. She hasn't asked to be forgiven yet or to compromise.

    She left for China in late Jan. and was suppose to be back late Feb. after her internship teaching ESL to little kids, but decided to stay and get a job with an open contract. She can leave anytime she wants as long as she gives a 30 day notice. She suggested before she left, that she wanted to relocate to D.C. area when I'm there for the year. This has all change after she extended her stay in China, because she loves it there so much, the people, language, culture, climate, food, etc. Saying America has nothing it especially where we went to school at. But she hasn't really seen all this country has to offer other than the upper Midwest and a taste of the west coast(Portland and L.A.) each time she visits someplace better she wants to live there, go figure.

    She tries to keep contacting me Skype and keep calling as I'm still typing. Left the call ringing for quite awhile.

    Wish love and keeping each other happy was easier than this. Hopefully this is ruining her extended time off from work and spends all of her time and energy trying to contact me. Sucks she wants to chose a career/country over me, instead wanting to come up with something where both happy.

    I ranted long enough, please leave any advice or suggestions.

    Thanks,
    KrazyK

  5. #5
    KrazyK is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help saving a long distance relationship

    Had my sis reviewed over the messages and she said was quite surprise that able to write that well, not directly placing blame, so I sent later that night. After I reestablish connections with my Ex, fainting I was away from computer and had Skype off on my phone as an excuse. Acting all surprised and wondering why she tried calling so many times. Everything seemed cool and decided to send the message afterwards, that's when things got worse.

    After not having out purpose Skype date in the morning, then getting a call back from my sis, saying my bro in law said it was a bad idea, because it was too much detail. Then receiving an email from her and noticing her defriending me on facebook. Which I didn't brought up.

    the emails:
    her:
    You cant say im the one who made age an issue when you LIED to me by 5 years. Thar right there shows youre insecure about something. I know my family and friends are proud that i am persuing my dreams and living in another country so I am not worried about having to talk it over with the because they already approve. This is what I want to do in order to improve my language skills, I am sorry it had to be like this. I hope all goes well as you prepare for your new job.

    myself:
    I'm not attacking you, if you thought I was, I'm sorry it wasn't my intentions. I know it's over I'm cool with it. Hey, I just realized you were right.... This breakup was for the was definitely for the best. It would really be a shame to throw away friendship though. Wish we go for some coffee and talk it over, but we can't since you're overseas, lol. :P It doesn't we can't work on being friends still, no hard feelings. Take care of yourself and wish you luck in your goals, you're a smart girl you can do it.

    I'm trying to give the impression that ok and happy about it, trying to go into friend zone to get out her radar, but figure she's in one of her mode swings right now.

    Skype a bit earlier made light talk, still pretending I'm cool with it and not bring up the relationship.

    me: how are you?
    I understand if you don't want to talk, but I won't have an oppertunity for a while.
    her: im good how are you
    her: and i havent been to work in a few days but ill check when i get back from holiday
    her: ill let you know
    me: Doing good, been busy today. Working out, packing, moving,
    me: No problem, enjoy yourself, i not going anywhere too exciting, lol
    her: nice well hope the move is smooth
    me: It's just training, the big move doesn't happen till after in may
    her: ok
    her: well good luck
    me: Thanks
    me: Have a good time with your friends
    her: i will
    me: No hard feelings?
    her: yeah
    her: hope it all works out for you
    me: Thanks again, did you get the package?
    her: i dont know
    her: havent been to work in a couple days
    me: Ok, so are you still getting me nice from China?
    her: but im sure its there
    her: me nice?
    her: what?
    me: Lost connection traveling, meant getting me something nice from China, lol. You talked about it before.
    her: dunno
    her: gotta send family stuff first
    me: Cool, catch you later my friends want to meet up for drinks
    her: ok
    her: probs the last time well talk
    her: so peace
    her: hope it all works out

    I ended the conversation with a time constraint and didn't followup on her trying to lure me back in to the conversation and calling her bluff.

    Guessing my best option is to freeze her out again. Taking the time to focus on my training, to heal, rebuilding myself mental, and to improve my game.

    Any suggestions welcome


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