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  1. #1
    Deltron3030 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    Hi guys, first post here.

    My ex broke up with me about a month ago and I want to get her back. I'm 25, she's 22.

    The Relationship:
    It lasted 18 months and both of us made mistakes, moving from one codependent situation to another. It was very unhealthy.

    I met her over 5 years ago and we were friends online for about 4 years as she lived in a different state.
    I fell for her very early and at that stage I was EXTREMELY shy and introverted with no confidence, I worked to improve myself to build up the courage to meet her one day.

    Mid 2011 we were talking more and more online and started skyping and she started becoming emotionally invested in me. This resulted in her flying to visit me for 3 days and although I was shy and awkward, we both wanted more. She was my first everything. I ended up moving interstate and living with her a few weeks later. We got our own apartment together a couple of months later. Meanwhile, I wasn't working or looking for a job because I was too shy/afraid of failure. My savings were running low and eventually we decided to start a business together... This obviously put more pressure on the relationship.

    After running the business for a couple of months we decided to move into her grandparents house to save money. This obviously put even more strain on the relationship as we lost even more independence and individuality.

    She was still working through this time but she eventually quit her job as they were not treating her well and she has to travel 3+ hours to get there from her grandparents. On her last day of work she texted me saying she needed space and she didn't plan on coming home that night. I was alone at her grandparents and freaked out and managed to plead and talk her into coming home. This was her first attempt at leaving me, in August 2012.

    We had had many issues from the beginning, most of them coming from the fact that she is fiercely independent and I was extremely clingy and needy. She also liked to party and I was completely sober, this made her feel bad when she drank. She also felt that I bossed her around quite a bit in the business.

    A couple of months later she was due to go on holidays to Japan for a month. I had been indirectly making her feel bad about 'abandoning' me in the months leading up to it. (I realise all of this was wrong of me, just explaining the facts). The first day after she left I was being very needy and asking her if I could come visit her while she was away. She ended up telling me that she wanted to leave me and she wanted me to move all of my stuff out of her grandparents before she got back. I begged her to take me back for maybe 5 minutes, then I gave up. I was very civil after that.

    I started thinking on how to improve myself and win her back. After a few days, I eventually came up with a plan to improve our situation. She thought it was a good idea and I got another chance when she came back from overseas.

    We put our plan into action and moved interstate together early this year. I HAD changed significantly, I started drinking socially, which made her more relaxed with the situation and I become less clingy and needy, though it was still pretty bad. She seemed happier, but as we both moved interstate, we were both unemployed and eventually money issues and looking for jobs meant we were fighting a lot. We were also living with my parents until we found jobs and a place of our own. This was very stressful for both of us.

    The Break Up:
    Eventually we found our dream place and we took the risk of renting it before we found jobs. This lead to a couple more weeks of increased stress and money issues. We both found jobs, so everything was looking up, but then there was an incident which was the straw that broke the camel's back. I won't go into details, but we ended up having a massive fight, bringing up all of the old wounds and issues.

    I could tell she had emotionally left me after that night and I had to push her for the next couple of days to tell me that she wanted me to move out.

    Post Breakup:
    We stayed together a week after the breakup until I found a new place. We slept in the same bed and even hung out as friends and got along very well. She was incredibly closed about the relationship and wouldn't talk about it at all, but we seemed to be enjoying each other's company, despite the situation. There was one night where we were drunk and she put her arm around me and then I tried to escalate the situation and she pulled back, it was awkward but not the end of the world.

    I moved out on Saturday and on the following Wednesday she wanted to meet up to get me to sign a form. It turned out I didn't have to sign the form (she said she didn't even check it, she just assumed). We ended up having breakfast together anyway. I then went back to her place and we hung out and then she made us lunch. We then started drinking and I got slightly emotional. It was a little awkward, then I left.

    We were still communicating a little but by email after this and I was trying to get her to meet up with me to talk about the breakup so I could get closure (I know in hindsight it wouldn't have helped!). I told her a few times over the course of a few days that I was finding it hard to let go of her when I don't know what she is thinking and she hadn't even told me straight up that it was over. She brushed it off every time and sid she wasn't ready to talk about it. I tried no contact at this stage and lasted two days before I sent her a text saying I needed to meet with her to talk about it and I couldn't just wait around hanging by a thread until she was ready to talk about it.

    She never replied to this text, this started my current no contact period. It has been 16 days.

    Thoughts:
    I understand that I demonstrated low value throughout the whole relationship and was terrible and building and maintaining attraction. I felt that she had lost attraction for me months before the break up. I have spent the last few weeks breaking down everything that went wrong and finding ways to improve myself as an individual so that I don't make the same mistakes again.

    I am a lot more confident and independent now than I was before we were together and during the relationship.

    I feel that this relationship would still be going strong if I wasn't so clingy and needy. When it was good, it was very good, up until a couple of weeks before the break up we both talking about when we would get married.

    Over the past few weeks I have come to the conclusion that this girl isn't the only one for me. I know there are more girls out there for me, I just think this relationship is worth another shot, now that I know about the mistakes I made, they are all things I can control.

    My plan:
    Maintain no contact.

    Continue to grow and improve myself by working out, doing things I love, seeing friends etc.

    We have tickets to an event together in two weeks time. The tickets are beside each other so we have to go together. I own these tickets, so she has to contact me to be able to go, I very much doubt she will pull out. Her uncle is also going with us, so this won't be a time for personal interaction.

    when we see each other I plan to be happy and show her that I'm fun and attractive. I will not chase her or bring up the relationship.

    When we met up last I think I planted a seed of jealousy without realising it. I mentioned that I was traveling interstate to go to an event with one of her female acquaintances. She acted like she was happy for me and not irritated, but I think it may have had an effect.

    Also, from what I can gather, she is dealing with this breakup by drinking and smoking. I also let her have the business we had together, but because we still share bank accounts etc. I know she has been neglecting it for the past two weeks to the point where customers aren't being sent their orders. She also seems to be neglecting her college work, as my friends GF is her tutor and she has been blowing her off.

    Well, that was a massive post, I tried to include as much information as possible, any tips or advice on what I should do now to get her interested again is appreciated!

    tl;dr
    Ex lost attraction because I was clingy and needy

    How do I get her interested again?

  2. #2
    Deltron3030 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    A current issue I want advice on:

    She sent me an email four days ago asking a question to do with the business we ran together. She could have easily contacted the technical support instead of me and it wasn't urgent, so I didn't reply.

    Do you guys think it is best to just leave it and never reply? Our last contact before that was me asking to meet with her to get closure, over two weeks previous and she didn't reply.

    - or -

    Should I reply now it has been a few days, simply telling her to email technical support, so she knows I am here, but my life doesn't revolve around her any more?

  3. #3
    Gonzo's Avatar
    Gonzo is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    Business is business, even though it's clearly a ploy to get a reaction, don't reply straight away but when you do be curt, not friendly... don't use any petnames or leave kisses... that sort of sh1t.

    The rest of the situation seems like a clusterfark from front to back, you need to drop this girl and go game a bunch of others, this one was your first everything, go find more, find out why you behave the way you behave, the clingy neediness, work on that... you seem really self aware, honest in your assessment of what went wrong and you use words like 'codependency' so deep down you already know that trying to fix this mess won't really help you.

    If, and only if, you sort all of these inner game issues out and you *still* want to get back with this one, then there are enough ties for you to easily initiate credible friendly contact. It sounds like she is really beat up about it too, but you need to rise above the little contact games she is playing (and will play even harder once you start to get yourself together) and be the man of the situation, maintaining that distance for a long while.

    Just my assessment, and easier said than done, believe me I know.
    A born again hooligan only to be King again.

  4. #4
    CrazyGreggs is offline Banned
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    Default Re: Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    I got my X back, and it was a mistake. Move on!!

  5. #5
    sd01 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    Let it go. Move on to something better.

  6. #6
    volmatta86 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Ex left me, I was clingy, advice please

    I think you need to get back into the single scene - work all week and the weekend is play time. When you go out start talking to girls, flirt with them without being sleazy (although some women like that) get numbers and try to setup dates. Keep yourself busy.
    As for the neediness? understand what is to be needy, then understand what it is to be confident. Once you understand the difference you'll know what works n what doesn't, because every girl hates a needy guy and every girl loves a confident guy.


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