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  1. #1
    RunawayJim is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Trying to get ex back. Think I've handled it right so far.. Now what..?

    Okay guys, need a little advice here. Wasn't going to take it this far by any means, but I really don't know what else to do. I've re-initiated contact w/ an ex after 2.5 months of NC and have hit a brick wall in my head. Here goes...


    First off, I don't have any problem getting girls. I'm in my mid-thirties, good-looking, great personality, never married, no kids, play guitar for a few bands, own a home, not shy... you get the picture. And it's funny, because I'll read all these things on here about what to do to pick up women - push/pull, negs, etc... And I realize that I do all this stuff I guess because it's learned behavior over the years, coupled with things I have read here and there. I can usually pick up a girl if I want her, EXCEPT for one person at any given time, and that's the girl who just left me. No, I'm not talking about a specific girl; what I'm saying is that I have a three-month curse. Most of my relationships will inevitably fail after three months. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's them. Either way, I can GET a girl; I can't seem to KEEP a girl. Now, before anyone gets all salty on me and telling me that I have a case of one-itis - I get that. But in my defense, I've had no problem before, and I can't get this one outta my head, even after this long. And is it because she left me and I want the opportunity to turn HER down? Maybe. But I do truly love this girl, so I think not. This one actually lasted six months. And I think it was because I had finally decided that I had been half-in and half-out of every relationship I had been in for ten years. So I decided last summer that the next time I decided I had found something worth going for, I was going to give it all i had. So I did. And my story...


    We met completely by accident, through a mutual friend. And you guys are gonna love this. My best line ever, maybe. After about three beers and some casual conversation between the four of us (me and three girls), I looked at the one I had just met, and said with a smile "Hey, I'm going to kiss you tonight." She laughed and told me there was no way. Long story short, I did... With a little resistance, but that's only because she didn't want any part in me being right. It's all good. I got my way, no problem. Anyway, we start talking and texting quite a bit, hanging out every weekend, etc. Neither of us were in a spot that we felt we needed to be at in order to have a relationship; she was a month and a half out of a 3-year, and I just didn't want one... We agreed we would take things one day at a time and just enjoy each other's company. But then it just kinda happened. Hadn't clicked like this with anyone in literally YEARS. I fell. She fell. I will admit, she was a little more resistant than I was because she had been in a REALLY sh**ty relationship, but as time went on, we both told each other that we wanted nothing to come between us and would give this thing 110%. And I DID. I deleted female friends' numbers out of my phone if I knew that girl wanted more with me. I didn't feel that was good for the healthy relationship I desired. Neither was having a "backup plan". Some of you may think I'm crazy, but I really wanted this one to work out. And it was going SOOOO well.Hadn't had this kind of connection with someone in literally YEARS. Well, all this happened in the month of August, but by first week of October, she's freaking out a bit, saying she just wasn't really ready to "feel obligated to someone". Okay, I get that. So, go on your way and stop wasting my time. I want a long-term, healthy relationship at this point. Problem is, she didn't want to let me go completely, of course. But I know better than to stay in the friend zone, so I told her I was sorry, but I didn't really have a choice; it had already progressed past the friendly stage and some pretty big feelings were involved. So she ended up coming back after a couple of days, and things were fine for a while. Then, I'll be d**ned if I didn't get the same thing from her about a month later. EXACT same scenario. After the recovery from that, we were great through the holidays; I met her family (who loved me, BTW), and she even stayed at my family's house on Christmas Eve - Kind of a big deal around my family. And she seemed to be all in. Even told me how much she loved the family and yada, yada, yada, yada. Life was good. I was happy.


    So after wrecking her vehicle sometime just before Christmas, she was waiting on an insurance settlement, and was pretty much living at my place for the better part of two months, due to me taking her to work and picking her up from work. I had lost my job, and was in the process of finding another, but that didn't stop me from stepping up, being a man, and taking care of my girl. That's just what you do. She had two roommates, but was never there anymore because she chose to stay with me all the time. One night at the very end of January, she texts me at work and lets me know she's going out w/ friends to go bowling. Long story short, she doesn't come home and assumes that I know she's staying at her place w/ her roommates because of a half-ass, unclear text she sent. I texted her back for clarification , but no answer. Later that night, I'm genuinely worried, and called her about a dozen times between 1AM-2AM. No answer. Now... I'm not an idiot. So my mind conjured up even the worst possible scenarios. So I finally hear from her the next day around 2PM, saying her phone had been locked up in the office of the restaurant at work charging. RIGHT. She apologized for making me worry, but not for what she had done. I didn't reply until she texted later that night, asking if I had gotten her text. I told her yes, but I had been busy. We didn't speak much over the next couple of days. I was trying to stop being angry about everything so I could have a level-headed conversation with her about the incident. By the third day, I emailed her on Facebook. Loooooong email. Explained that I loved and cared about her and was over being angry. Asked her to put herself in my shoes and look at the situation. She called later that day saying she had read the email and that she understood 110%... Then proceeded to tell me the same thing that she had said before; that she needed time to be by herself and work on her own issues with her life and didn't need to be in a relationship at the present time. That it wasn't anything I had done and that I had treated her better than anyone else ever had. But she just needed to be alone to "figure herself out". I know that's usually girl code for "I found something else I'm interested in". So I didn't beg, didn't plead, and just tried to accept it. And that wasn't easy, because not much really made sense to me. Two nights before the disappearing act, she was blowing my phone up while I was at work telling me how much she loved me, missed me, and couldn't wait until I got home. Lo and behold, when I got home, the house was lit with candles, and she was waiting in bed for me! Fantastic. So, this was a complete mindf**k for me. It didn't make sense because what had changed in just a matter of a few days??? So, I had her come pick up all her stuff at my place, which included about a dozen pair of shoes, two large duffel bags full of clothes, and half a closetful of hanging clothes. I should probably add that on the morning of the disappearance, she took nothing with her but the clothes on her back and a purse. So she hd=ad no intention of leaving at that point. When she came over to pick up herthings, she just acted cold, almost as if I had done something wrong, which I certainly hadn't. It was VERY strange. Of course I told her I loved her, and she told me she cared about my well-being. Nice, huh? So I hugged her goodbye and that was that. I had light contact with her for about six weeks after that, then finally decided that was not a great idea, so I cut it off completely. I ignored a text she sent one evening, then she quit making contact. I did delete her on FB, but I realize that's a bad move. Oh well.


    So, here's the part I need help with. It's right at about 2.5 months of NC. I had a mutual friend of ours tell me about six weeks ago that she was seeing someone she works with, but it's been neither confirmed or denied. That "friend" of hers is also trying to get me to sleep with her, and so is another one of her "friends". Geez... I know that's a TERRIBLE idea, so of course I haven't. But I find myself not really being able to get past this girl. And what makes things worse is that for the past few weeks, she has been "liking" things on FB. Not our friends' pages, but friends she met THROUGH me. I swear, it's just like she'd begging for attention. So I figure maybe she wants to talk to me, but doesn't know anything about how I feel; whether I hate her, miss her, or what. So I figure since she's dipping a toe in the water, so to speak, I would go ahead and just let her know I was approachable and held no ill will. So a couple of days ago, I text her. Sent her a funny pic I had taken of her back in December and had a nice, witty comment to go with it. She responded light-heartedly, with a LOL and whatever. Asked how I was doing, asked about my new job, etc. Told her I was great, job was great, life was good. Asked how she was doing. "Oh good, just working." Then started asking me about everything else. Dog, house, new deck, bands, you name it. But every time I asked what was going on with her: "Same ole same ole". Then she would start asking about me again. This whole thing went on for about 15-20 texts total, then I answered one of her questions about my bands and she didn't reply, so I let it go. No big deal. That was two days ago, but I haven't a clue what my next move, if any, should be.

    SO NOW...

    Where do I go from here? If this was some chick I really didn't care about, it would be a matter of about two or three weeks until I had her eating out of the palm of my hand. I've had plenty of time to think about this and, yes, I do want this one back in my life. Do I ignore her for a while and wait? Do I initiate something in a matter of days? My problem is, I care. If I didn't, this would be so easy for me. I know this post is VERY lengthy, but I figured on two things: 1) If you read it all the way through, you have a pretty good idea of what's going on. 2) If you read it all the way through, you're probably gonna give me better advice. "Getting over it" is not an option, so don't go there. I just need advice on how to get her wanting me again. Thanks guys!

  2. #2
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Trying to get ex back. Think I've handled it right so far.. Now what..?

    Hey man.

    Sometimes you meet a girl, get to like her and then realise that she is emotionally unstable. But by that point the whole push/pull thing they do has you hooked.

    I think from your post this girl still has you hooked. You need to break that and your only ally is time.

    Do not initiate any contact. When she contacts you again, play it down with a non-committal reply. If she engages you in a text convo, make sure you leave her hanging. E.g. if she makes a glib statement that doesn't require a reply - don't bother replying. Just put your phone away.

    Don't try to analyse things - you'll never know what goes on in her head so just make sure you stay in control. If that means she doesn't keep in contact then she has and is probably pursuing other options so drop it. Be a man. Remember, you are too good to be a back-up plan for anybody so NEVER do it.

    Just relax and let things take their course.

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