First off, I'd like to Thank everyone here for their previous input on this forum. I've ben reading a ton this past week and thought I would try to get some feedback on what I should do for my situation. We've been NC now for a little over 2 weeks and in that time I've really tried to keep myself busy and have been going to the gym, staying busy, and trying to meet new women. But DAMN...I miss her a ton.
So, here's my story. I (now 37) met my ex (now 27) about 3 years ago when I was living in Colombia. At the the time, I needed to get away from my home city in the States. My ex-fiancee had been killed a couple of years earlier in a car crash and I was just in a deep, dark place. Colombia was a renaissance for me and I was already banging a couple of other girls down there on a regular basis when I met her. After a few months, we became exclusive and during the rest of my time there we had a great time and I came out of my severe depression because of her. It wa probably the happiest time of my life and I was definitely in Alpha mode.
Fast forward to about 10 months later when I had to return to the States due to a family emergency. From that point on, it became a LTR where I would go go down 2 or 3 times a year to see her. It was tough, but I remained faithful and I wholeheartedly believe she was faithful too and loved me more than anyone else previously. We had some bumps along the road (mostly because of me) because I thought she might be cheating. I would block her email address and delete her on FB, but these would only last a couple of days and she would invariably beg me to come back...which I did.
Our problems started when she moved to Holland to nanny last November. I really didn't want her to go because I knew it would be difficult to maintain contact (Skype) because of the time difference. But I didn't think it was right for me to deny her an opportunity that I knew she wanted. In January, I took her on a trip to Egypt and on the last night before she returned she mentioned that she hoped she would see me again. I think she sensed that I wasn't totally happy becuase of our LTR situation.
In April, I broke up with her because I couldn't deal with it anymore. I should also mention that there was a smokin' hot girl who was all over my nuts and I thought with my little head instead of my big head. Previous to our break-up, we weren't speaking very often at all because of our schedules and I felt that something might be up. During that conversation she asked me if I thought she was cheating on me which was very unusual for her. I said No, but I do remember thinking of how odd that was. We agreed to NC and to tell the other if either of us started seeing someone.
Fast forward to about a month later when she emailed me telling me she missed me. As luck would have it, I had gotten the other girl pregnant (she was a nutjob) and was dealing with an abortion and I just didn't have the time or the energy to respond for a couple more weeks. During these two weeks, I realized that I truly needed my ex and decided to propose to her.
When I did respond, I could immediately tell a small difference in her attitude towards me. We had some light conversations until I found out that she had been seeing someone. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to it and admitted to sleeping with him. I was devastated and told her not to contact me again (hypocritical I know). I also told her of my plans to propose and I said some awful things to her like "I hope you die" and she even responded that she wished she could. A few days later, I noticed a message on Skype that she had written after that conversation when she talked about dying a few times. I got worried and thought that I needed to talk to her before something drastic happened. When I called her, she was acting strange and said she couldn't talk until later. I thought it was weird but let it go. She agreed to not see this guy while we talked things out but also mentioned that she had prepared herself to moveon in light of some of the things I had said when were together (ex. Do you think we're right for each other)?
From that point on, I became totally beta and AFC. Gradually, I became needy and clingy (I know) and she started to become distant and was always crying during our conversations. I was also hot and cold. One day I would say that I couldn't handle what had happened, the next day I would be all lovey dovey with her.
It all culminated a couple of weeks ago when I saw a FB post from one of her friends that my ex would be attending a bday party for HER NEW BF. I was devastated again and when I confronted her about it, she lied to my face even though I asked her several times. She had also limited my access to her FB so that I couldn't see her feed and I'm about 90% sure she lied about a couple of other things during this time. I still wanted to be with her though and marry her and gave her an ultimatum to which she kept responding that she just didn't think things could ever be the same now (I had always said that if she slept with someone else, that it would be over). But I realized my role in this and was willing to try to work things out. After her final No, I asked her if she loved me to which she immediately broke down again and said Yes. The last thing she said to me was a question asking me if we really could have made it through to which I responded that I was willing to give it a shot Later that night, I got drunk and wrote her one of the most Beta emails ever begging her to speak to me one more time. I remember ending the conversation thinking that she was really confused.
The next morning she had unfriended and blocked me on FB. We haven't spoken since.
The one good thing out of all of this is that she isn't in Holland right now with this new guy. The family that she is nannying for is in another part of Europe for six weeks that began last week.
I don't plan on breaking NC for a while and have been doing everything that I've read here in the forums.
Here's the thing, I still have some of her pictures from our trip that I know she wants. I'm debating whether or not I should wait until she makes contact (I'm not sure I could even write her considering that she's probably blocked my email address as well.) The other option that I've been considering is to wait a few more weeks until the last week of her trip and then send them. In those pics, there are quite a few of us together kissing, hugging, etc. Another part of me is saying "fark it" and just move on completely, but I'm not so sure I wanna let this one go so fast. Then, there's another part of me that thinks she should be the one who pursues me considering that she flat out lied to me when I was really down.
I know that this guy is a rebound kind of thing, but I'm worried that if she goes back to Holland she'll get back with him. I'm doing everything so that when and if we have contact again, I'll be much more similar to the man she felt in love with and dhv. I'm certain that when she returns to her country in mid-October she'll probably try to get back in touch with me. The thing is, I'm not sure if I could handle being a second fiddle/fall back option after all of this.
So guys, help a brotha out here. What should I do?
Thanks for reading this long ass post!