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  1. #1
    aff219 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Need urgent help for getting my ex back - PLEASE READ

    Hello all, i'm a long time PUA fan, i owe everything to it, but I've lost my way and ruined the relationship I built. Now I'm stuck trying to pickup the pieces. I'll try and keep this short:

    -relationship of 2 years, 8 months. Semi-long distance (3 hours away) with lots of face time (bi-weekly visits of 2 days to 2 weeks through the relationship)

    Relationship went south due to arguing. lots of arguing was created by both sides. eventually she broke up with me.

    i handled the initial breakup mostly proper, though i took it a little too aggressively (forced removal of fb etc)

    but then i flopped. i called her abck a couple days trying to reconcile, when she said no i went full beta, begged, cried, pleaded.

    after about 3 days of this i realized i gotta stop, tried to start picking up the pieces but made things worse. without going into detail, lets say i did everything wrong. from showing up in a suit and tie to writing long mushy messages to her. all it did was create pure anger and cause her to go full no-contact.

    since then, i tried a few other things, slowly regaining composure etc, purely jsut trying to do some damage control before going no-contact (i believe no contact is a proper response, but i personally feel it has to be at the right time)

    Anyway, she wound up calling me yesterday to arrange delivering the rest of my stuff (its very valuable stuff so i cnat just shrug it off), she was agressive and hostile, trying to control the entire situation, and insisted that her new boyfriend will be there. I accepted it all on a whim not thinking. We had another conversation this morning and I handled it much better, i was able to rebuild my frame and be more confident and she responded well, i wouldn't say "good", but much calmer than the hostility i've been seeing.

    anyway, to get to the point, new gameplan: i wont be there to pickup the stuff because im busy, and instead i'm having a family member (mom) meet her because shes insistent on doing it now. we will have at least 1 more phone conversation, more than likely tomorrow morning, and I'm wanting to decide the best way to handle it to have a shot in the future with her.

    the breakup occured aug 13th, i did 1 stupid thing after another in 1 week entervals for a month to make things worse, then i broke contact for almost 2 weeks before she contacted me. she is not being nice, now is not the time to persue her, but i think i can make some form of progress for a better shot of accomplishing things later.

    so, my question: How do I handle this? my thoughts are:
    1. keep it "professional", strictly just arranging the meetup and leaving it at that. this keeps my frame, but doesn't allow me to calm any of the bad blood between us. you have to remember this is a somewhat long distance relationship, she doesn't have friends talking about me and shes removed EVERYTHING that reminds me of her from her life, so no-contact isn't going to really drive her to miss me, its going to just allow the anger to die down

    2. try to cure the bad blood. in the middle of planning or so, squeeze in "Hey, I want to say something that'll just take a minute. I understand why were doing this, and I agree that it's the best thing to do right now, I don't blame you and im not angry. But I want to thank you, you've made me realize the mistakes in my life and i'm working on becoming a better person" (maybe throwing out a few things im doing). I consider this because one of her complaints was "i'm going to be eternally complacent in my life", so this displays a change (though bluntly by saying it instead of showing it), i don't have the luxury of being able to display it to her because of long distance, were not on each others fbs, and there'll be pretty much no chance of running into one another in the future. anything i try after this will have to be through fb, email, or phone, which she has my number blocked so thats not a real option either

    I'm also considering having my mom say something nice on my behalf (since she doenst' have friends that will be talking me up) when she gets the stuff, something like "yaknow you're always welcome to stop by" and/or "he really does care about you"

    thoughts? opinions? suggestions?

  2. #2
    ronthepen is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need urgent help for getting my ex back - PLEASE READ

    Quote Originally Posted by aff219 View Post
    so, my question: How do I handle this? my thoughts are:
    1. keep it "professional", strictly just arranging the meetup and leaving it at that. this keeps my frame, but doesn't allow me to calm any of the bad blood between us. you have to remember this is a somewhat long distance relationship, she doesn't have friends talking about me and shes removed EVERYTHING that reminds me of her from her life, so no-contact isn't going to really drive her to miss me, its going to just allow the anger to die down

    2. try to cure the bad blood. in the middle of planning or so, squeeze in "Hey, I want to say something that'll just take a minute. I understand why were doing this, and I agree that it's the best thing to do right now, I don't blame you and im not angry. But I want to thank you, you've made me realize the mistakes in my life and i'm working on becoming a better person" (maybe throwing out a few things im doing). I consider this because one of her complaints was "i'm going to be eternally complacent in my life", so this displays a change (though bluntly by saying it instead of showing it), i don't have the luxury of being able to display it to her because of long distance, were not on each others fbs, and there'll be pretty much no chance of running into one another in the future. anything i try after this will have to be through fb, email, or phone, which she has my number blocked so thats not a real option either

    I'm also considering having my mom say something nice on my behalf (since she doenst' have friends that will be talking me up) when she gets the stuff, something like "yaknow you're always welcome to stop by" and/or "he really does care about you"

    thoughts? opinions? suggestions?
    I will answer your questions based on my own experience. You will not like everything I will tell you but here it is:

    1)Keep it "professional" = yes. At this point you need to hide your emotions and deal with perfect calm and serenity. If you display emotions, especially negative/needy ones, she will react. Try to make it somewhat fun because it's fun to be around you, even when the sh1t hits the fan.
    2) Apologize for your bad behavior = Kinda. Don't be pitiful and don't act desperate, but tell her you ACCEPT her decision. It is not weak to show her you understand her decision and that you agree that it was the right choice AT THE MOMENT.

    The idea is to POSITION yourself. Think Chess-game. Some couples reunite fast after a breakup based on arguing, some need lots of time (6 months, a full year or even more). Of course, even if I tell you the truth, which is that the odds of getting her back are against you, you are not in the right Mindset to accept reality. So I suggest you start a long Freeze Out, and expect the no-contact period to last a few months. Again it's hard to put this into our head when you are living the pain of the breakup but the no-contact period really is a time for you to heal and regain your sanity (one-itis is a dangerous mind-sickness!). I bet that right now you plan to do NC in order to make her miss you but really the only way you can win her back is to get yourself back. And if you ever go back with her you will want a new relationship - a better one - and the only way to achieve this is to work on yourself and become a better person, less needy, less angry, etc.

    THEN, only then, will you be in a position to win her back. In the meantime, she might initiate contact and based on her actions/mindset it might be possible to accelerate the reunion. So how do you position yourself? Here's what I would do:

    1) For now on, don't talk about the past unless she brings it out, and always keep your cool. Try to talk about the future instead.

    2) Show her you've changed positively. Start meditating if you have anger issues or whatever. Arguing with someone usually is a sign that your ego is too big. When a girl tries to argue with me, she ends up arguing with herself because I don't give a sh1t about emotions all I want is to solve the situation. *Some women need their men to participate in their crazy emotional breakdowns so if she's that type, I suggest you scream louder than her for a few seconds to "show her you have feelings too" and then you calm down and solve the issue. To show her the change in you, you can use your friends, FB and other subtle tactics. Just don't tell her directly because she won't believe it.

    3) So you need to position yourself as a great catch. Meet new women. She dumped you so you must not feel bad to date and fark. If you can, make her doubt her decision by being happier than her with someone else. You can fake it but it's way better to do a real change of lifestyle and be happy for real.

    4) You never know, you might find a girl ten times better than your ex while dating!

    5) Once you will regain your senses, your confidence, and won't feel much emotion if you talk to her, then you will be ready to win her back. You are a PUA. You have a power that the other guy won't have (yeah, she will have another guy in her life and she probably already has one btw). You will win her back by using all the knowledge across this forum. If she has a new BF, Try Xavier's BF-Destroyer it works wonders. If not, start the seduction process from scratch as if it were a new girl.

    That is the mindset you have to get if you ever want a chance to get her back. On the other hand, it is an illusion to think that this girl is the woman of your life: There's always another one, better than the last. Time will tell you, heal you, and give you your answers. In the meantime, why wouldn't you try to have fun and meet new girls (and fark the sh1t out of them all while you're at it).

  3. #3
    aff219 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default

    Thanks for your reply, to respond to your various points:

    -keeping it professional - we've actually rescheduled the meetup to an undetermined future time. I decided to make it difficult (saying i was too busy to worry about it, not able to answer her call right away, etc) to arrange the meetup. I did however display emotion on the phonecall. I gave her the "i realize why youd id it, and i agree it was the best option for how things were, but i'd like to be friends", she didn't really respond to it postive or negative. later she called me again about trying to unblock my number (she blocked it on the breakup and hasnt been able to unblock it, though she plays like she really doesnt care) and i played up too much eagerness to get it unblocked, so she wound up leaving it for now.

    as for the freezeout, i'm a firm believer that NC is not a defined rule and varies based on the person youre working with. in my case, i honestly believe she can "forget and move on", and develop the strong emotional feelings she had torwards me with the guy shes seeing now (yes, she started dating a week after the breakup, classic "has a guy lined up" move)

    my biggest problem is this:

    I don't know how to get past her anger and into friendly territory. I'm certain if I can get her willing to conversate, I can play the proper moves to get her back, but shes fairly hostile right now (much less than originally, but still not "friendly")

    we're removed from fb, she has mynumber blocked, i can still leave vm's and txts, but thats it. Shes very unresponsive so i'm not sure where to go from here. I was thinking a 3-4 week freezeout, let the anger die etc. then try to come in "as a friend

  4. #4
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need urgent help for getting my ex back - PLEASE READ

    Hey man.

    You have already had some excellent advice that there is no point in repeating so I would counsel you to read it again and again and really let it sink in.

    Breaking up is a process and the best thing to do is take the pain and go hardcore NC after all the logistics have been taken care of. It is the only way. Call it damage control.

    You cannot initiate contact under any circumstances. Let her contact you if she wants her stuff back. When/if she does, take care of business as soon as you can. When you see her, act non-committal and do not talk about past or future. Be strictly professional, say as little as possible but a lot of eye contact and confident body language. I.e. no crossing arms, head up, smile/smirk if appropriate. Then let her go. If she is in your place, make a point of saying goodbye and literally closing the door behind her.

    Make her wonder what is going on with you and get control back.

    After that, forget any plans you have at the moment and go hardcore NC. If you need to unfriend/block on FB and delete numbers. Do it so you are not tempted to re-engage. Now I guarantee you that she will get back in touch and she will find a way.

    But the thing is, you need to ask yourself how she had a guy lined up so quick. Ever heard of the monkey theory when they only jump off a branch when the next one is already there? You feel me?

    If you do get her back now, she will repeat the same pattern.

    You are better than that bro so take care of business, make space to heal and move on to a place where you are ready to engage with this girl.

    Good luck for the meet and keep us posted.

    Love and Light.

  5. #5
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need urgent help for getting my ex back - PLEASE READ

    Go there shake boyfriends hand if available and say hi to her.

    Take your things and turn around.don't be in a hurry to leave and do not come off as you want to stay either.

    Expect some shit tests be unaffected.

    Avoid wishing them well its not necessary in this dyn.

    May update on here


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