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Thread: Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

  1. #1
    MIpride is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

    I know most everyone's break up stories sound the same or at least there's many similar "situations". Mine is no different than most except I think mine includes just about every cliche you can imagine from having fallen for her in high school when she was dating the captain of the football team to me f'ing my secretary while becoming an alcoholic. The ending was just as cliche, I tried to make a grand gesture of buying our dream house (which she has never even seen) to a wild misunderstanding leading to her moving out of state, changing her email and cell as well. That's the short version and its been 3 yrs since I've spoken to her. I've tried to write her over and over again and each time no response. I figured time would make the pain fade but its just gotten worse.

    We were great friends in high school but I knew from the first day I ever saw her that I had to be around her. She never felt the same as I did in high school, I lost touch with her when she went off to college. I tracked her down a year or two after she had graduated and had moved back to my general area. She was in a terrible relationship with an abusive man and I felt helpless to see her like that. I knew I still loved her. She eventually fled the state from him and moved to her parents. A few years later I had heard she moved back to my area and tracked her down again. This time I was 25 and very successful and in a position to offer her a job. She worked very well for me but I knew I still loved her and slowly romanced her into feeling the same way for me. She was very guarded from several abusive relationships and had many walls to be overcome. She was worth it. By that time I had a severe drinking problem which led to several bad decisions and ultimately a tremendous amount of disrespect, infidelity and hurt. I had turned into the things I had sworn I never would, someone who had a certain amount of success and power, the girl he had always loved, a drinking problem and sleeping with the secretary. I loved her so much that when she packed up and left I sobered up (been sober since 6/6/07) and bought her an engagement ring. The straw that had broken her spirit was the last night I ever drank. I was out of town on business and decided to celebrate a good trip by going to the gentlemans club. I blacked out and woke up the next morning with a bad feeling that something had happened the night before that would change my life. Apparently I went to a "massage parlor" after the gentlemans club and called my girl from there and told her what I was about to do. Anyways, she did what most girls would do and started to exact an exit strategy. Like I said, I sobered up, professed my love and begged forgiveness. She had been waiting for a ring for a few years and I finally gave her one but it was an act of desperation and the worst proposal ever. She was still hurt from me sleeping with the secretary then the "massage specialists" and then to be proposed to after all that, probably not what she had dreamed of as a little girl. We moved past it and I stayed sober. She still had a lot of trust issues and I wasn't helping by not wanting to talk about any of the past as I told her it was too painful for both of us. I never took responsibility and blamed it all on the alcohol. We tried to move forward the best we could but my business was failing due to the economy and my partner fired her without me knowing. That was the beginning of the end. Blah, blah, blah, my partners screwed me out of a lot of money and pushed me out of my own company. I let them because I was on oxy due to a back injury. Now I was addicted to oxy and no job or business for either of us. So we stayed at home and at each others throats. I was a horrible person to be with because I was a slave to the drug and now exposing her to more addiction and mistreatment. Although I stayed faithful I was horrible to her. Eventually in the summer of 2010 we decided time apart is what we needed and I offered to move out. She begged me to change my mind for months but I was numb because of the drug. I let her walk out the door, crying as she left. I stayed in bed the last day and couldn't even be bothered to hug her goodbye. We spoke a few time and tried to tell each other that time would do us both good to get over the hurt. She left sept of 2010. I had talked to her about buying a house in our home state (she was already out of state by this time) and having her come back into town so I could put her name on the title. I was buying our dream house believing this would show her how sincere I was that I loved her and wanted a family with her. I bought the house and two weeks later she called me to tell me she had heard from my mother that I was at a party with the secretary I had an affair with and she never wanted to speak to me again and that the two of us(me and the secretary) would be happy together. Side note: my secretary was one of my best friends sisters and I swore not to talk to either of them again. When she left I started to talk to my lifelong friend again as he had started a family and such since we last spoke. I attended his New Year's Eve party and his sister happened to be there. Nothing happened at all. Anyway, my mother mentioned to my ex on the phone that she thought it was nice we could all be friends again after everything that happened. My ex felt I lied to her, saw the "other woman" again and would continue to be the same unfaithful sob I was. This was the furthest thing from the truth, I loved her so much that I swore I never wanted to see her hurt like I had hurt her in the past. But I had done so much to her and she simply put up a wall and ran. I now haven't spoken to her in 3 years, I live in a house I bought for us that she's never seen and I can't sell it because when my partners pushed me out they screwed me leaving me with an IRS lein on my house. So I'm stuck in a house that reminds me every day that she's gone. I've tried to get over her by dating and even trying to have a serious relationship with someone else but all I do is think of her. Like I said, I've tried to write her several times, I even written her parents with a kindly response of leave our daughter alone. I've thought of flying out to where she's at for 3 years now because 1. It's almost a stalker move as she has done nothing to give me any hope and 2. After what I've done to her maybe she is better off not being reminded of the past when she looks at me. Even though I've gone thru major changes and realize what it means to be a real man it may be too little too late. I was never even able to have closure with her to tell her how sorry I am or how much I love her or even that I didn't sleep with the girl at that party. I just don't know what to do, it drives me mad. This woman I'm seeing right now knows I still love my ex as I've cried to her about it. You may all call me a p$&ssy but I cry every day missing her as she's the love of my life and all I wish for is to at least say goodbye the right way. After all, I'm 38 years old now and have loved her for 25 of those years. Any help would be tremendously appreciated and sorry if I took the long way to get to my point.

    Thanks brothers

  2. #2
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

    Hey man,

    I hope that was therapeutic getting that all out. I feel real bad for you after reading that but at the same time I have to be honest here.

    From your mail, it seems to me that you have come through a hell of a lot but I'm sorry to say this I don't think you will have any chance of getting this woman back in your life right now. You still have some work to do on yourself.

    Now I know you desperately want to hear some magic formula for getting her back but the way you are feeling right now will not attract her back.

    I cannot even imagine how you can recover from all of this. Maybe you could contact her one more time and see if you get a response. But if you don't, you need to call it a day.

    If you do decide to do this, which I don't recommend right now, I would keep it short, do not be emotional and just apologise for being a mess and causing her all that hurt. Do not go into specifics as that will dredge up the past and keep it positive. Like you are sorry, you acknowledge you had issues and you are working through them and hope you can at least talk some day. Tell her this is your last attempt and, if you don't hear from her, you respect her wishes and you will never contact her again.

    Write it, re-write it, re-write it again and again until it is the best it can be then send it. Then comes the hard part, you wait and see if you get a response. If you don't, you have to let go and never contact her ever again.

    Bro - I don't know - I can't see this working but I think you need to get some sort of closure. You can't live your life like this.

    As for telling the person you are seeing right now you still love your ex - have you considered how much hurt you are causing her? Is that not a pattern? That's a bad situation and you shouldn't put anyone through that - do the honourable thing and let her go - don't hurt her anymore bro otherwise you will end up in the same situation with her.

    Good luck on your journey.

  3. #3
    MIpride is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

    Thanks for taking the time to read my posting and reply. Your response is sound and thoughtful. I totally agree that I do not want to cause anyone anymore pain with selfishness. I have been brutally honest with the new woman and even made her leave me alone for a few months because I told her I still love someone else and may never have the same feelings she has for me. The new woman has told me many times she knows the situation and still wants to be around. I have been totally up front with her, honesty is something I've learned thru all this.

    I think I'm pretty well to the point of respecting her wishes and leaving her be but the lack of closure is maddening.

    Thanks again

  4. #4
    Learning The Ropes is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

    Hey man,

    Take your time, send the letter and that may be your only chance at closure. You need to accept that and move forward with your life.

    That's good you have been honest with the new woman but for me you need to heal properly before getting in another relationship.

    All the best bro.

  5. #5
    MIpride is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Is it unbelievable just because it happened 2 me?

    Again, sound words and advice. I've tried to be alone, I've tried to be uber social and try to forget, I've tried other woman and one seriously. I've tried to get my thoughts out on paper since I can't get the closure I need with the woman I love but nothing seems to help. I've never been the romantic type, always a realist, but after 3 years I still dream of her and think of her all the time. My hope is all but lost that she and I will ever be together but I don't think I will ever be ok with how it ended and the last contact. Doing my best...


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