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  1. #1
    oreospeedwagon is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default We're both shy nerds -- but I lost her -- how do I get her back?

    I met this amazing girl and moved in with her on the third date (uh, yeah).

    She'd read "The Game" and knew about PUA and hated it. Hated it! So did I!

    I thought, "Great, finally, I don't have to do all that stuff to get girls with this girl. She's different. I can just be me."

    (Wrong, but we'll get to that.)

    She said she likes the guy to "make all the moves", so I did. And we ended up in a *relationship* pretty quick.

    Then I noticed some of the unnatural things I'd done at her behest -- like suggest we change our "relationship" status on Facebook to being together -- I noticed these moves got a sour reaction from her. Stuff like, "Um, usually the *girl* does that."

    There were a few other cues. This nerdy girl who I *thought* wasn't like all the other girls was beginning to react just like them. She was losing interest as I began to show MORE interest because she ASKED me to.

    Even though we connected at first, I was still kind of aloof in the beginning. It drove her nuts. She got upset, so I made the mistake of listening to her and began to act like a "relationshipy", soft, sensitive guy "concerned" about the relationship.

    Man, she didn't care at all about that stuff. But I thought she wanted that! When I was more aloof and she was more UNSURE about how I FELT about her, she was a lot more... INTERESTED! She seemed anxious and worried, but at least INTERESTED.

    On the flip side, I began to complain about her aloofness, detachment and seeming disinterest in me and everything about us. I blew up once, just got mad.

    I finally moved out (she basically asked me to leave). It was kind of a sour break-up.

    I cared a HELL of a lot more than she did.

    While I haven't been needy, per se, I still talk to her and contact her online. Sometimes I just want to talk. Other times I get mad, I ream her for some of the things I'm talking about above, about how she presented herself one way but turned out totally different. I've gotten angry. I've been harsh. I've kinda raked her over the coals.

    I've also said part of me loves her. That my "heart belongs to" her and a bunch of other mushy stuff. It's been a pendulum swing between me being sweet and me being pissed off.

    Now I know I've all but lost her.

    I know I have to *stop* writing her *completely*. Totally. And wait for her to respond, and then *ignore* her.

    If I had done things differently and just *not* listened to her, and just maintained my original attitude -- which was showing interest, but still being aloof, and a little skeptical, things would have probably turned out differently.

    Instead, I went into relationship mode WAY too quick, because I thought that's what she wanted. I thought, "Here's this kinda nerdy girl who's read The Game and is totally beyond all that stuff, I guess I don't have to play those games."

    Nah. I still kinda needed to. No woman is really immune to being a woman.

    It's sad "games" had to be a part of what we had, but they were. And I feel she's kinda to blame, or not aware of it. She asked me to change, I did, and she lost interest. It's so stereotypical, I thought she was beyond that, but I don't think she is.

  2. #2
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    Trickstar is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: We're both shy nerds -- but I lost her -- how do I get her back?

    I don't know if I can help you from where your at now because I've never had a serious girlfriend come back with me acting needy or talking to them longer than a day after the break up, so I'd like to share this with you for future reference. When the girl breaks up with you, don't contact them at all, even if they blow your phone up. Just ignore them until they practically call you crying and begging to come back or to come see them. My most recent ex and I have actually broken up twice. The first time I got her back the next day and then the second was a week of me contacting on and off and then she went and fucked her ex, who she is with now. I'll summarize the two so you see the difference.

    The first one we got really drunk and I insulted her and then she broke up with me and I flared from anger to begging her not to leave and crying and all that. We were with my friends who dropped me off first (we all got home around 7 AM). I went to sleep and woke up at around noon and first thing got up, took a shower, and walked to see her. That day I tried to get back together without showing weakness (no crying or any of that) and we spent the day together but she said we weren't getting back together, although I convinced her to "have sex one last time" which we did and then after another hour with her saying shes lost feelings for me I left. The next day I didn't contact her at all. She actually tried getting a hold of me by around 1 o'clock which I ignored her phone calls and texts. So then she started making statuses to piss me off and texting me that she fucked another guy and saying shes going to block me (which she did and then unblocked me without me replying). This continued for 5 hours until I finally answered and she pretty much begged me to come see her. We walked and met halfway. On my way to see her I picked flowers that I hid until I was sure we were getting back together. As she walked towards me I asked her if she didn't have feelings (in a very serious, almost mean tone) and she shook her head and then I asked if she meant all those things she said and she shook her head no. I then showed her the flowers and she reacted by saying "I love you, your so sweet" and hugging me and we were back together.

    The next time was 2 months later and we got in an argument because some guy called her sexy, she thanked him and then deleted his message which got me suspicious and started a huge fight which ended up with me dumping her and then apologizing a couple hours later. She refused to get back together and did the "lets just be friends crap" so I skipped football practice to see her as I did before. This time I only saw her for 2 hours though and I did show a lot of weakness. At first I was able to do the not showing weakness but then she wouldn't even kiss me or anything. I left and said something like she'll never see me again and played games when she went looking for me. So this was the week of my homecoming and I was obsessed with her going with me, so thats most likely why we didn't get back together. She would try texting me and I ignored all of them besides ones that had to do with us still going to homecoming. She actually started to the "oh so your going to ignore me? well your going to have to ignore me forever now!" like before, but then I saw a text about are we still going to homecoming and I replied yes and told her that I wasn't ignoring her, I was just busy. Well, looking back, I should of never replied and just not went to homecoming with her and she may have came back like before. At homecoming she was limp with me and there was no passion in the kisses. A week after she fucks another guy behind my back when saying she wasn't going to do anything behind my back so yeah that was the end of that.

    So my advice is to just ignore them to death from day 1 if you want to get them back. Also, with all my long relationships, I was able to be sweet and be relationshippy with them, it's just that you can't act dependent or weak. You can tell them you don't want to live without them and such but don't cry in front of them, although you can get away with a couple before they start to lose attraction. Also, don't accuse them of cheating on you and be possessive. Thats what cause every serious girlfriend thats left me to leave and I realized that when it was too late. So my advice, wait until at least a month before you get lovey dovey and have a life that doesn't involve her and don't spend every waking moment with or talking to her. Other than that, treat them how you think they should as a girl and don't be afraid to fight, if you don't you will look weak and she'll lose attraction, but learn when best to bite your tongue. That's my advice.

  3. #3
    oreospeedwagon is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: We're both shy nerds -- but I lost her -- how do I get her back?

    Thanks for the reply.

    I finally just asked her, "Why not me? What's wrong with me? Why don't you want to be with me?"

    Totally beta and lame? Sure. I acknowledged that, too.

    Bear in mind, I've raked this girl over the coals and I've been a dick, too. I haven't been some groveling, needy guy, but I have been pushing back against her putting me in the friend zone.

    She wrote back a long email talking about how bad I treated her (by criticizing her, not being happy with her detached, lame attitude, by reacting to her crap, not being understanding enough over how SHE DOESN'T ENJOY SEX -- I was totally understanding about it, but not enough for her!), and how she wants a guy who ENCOURAGES her more and criticizes her less. She did say she cared about me.

    Let me just say I've ENCOURAGED this girl to do a ton of things: do something with her poetry, get a better job, move, etc. All in a positive manner.

    But I guess that doesn't matter.

    I feel like just responding with this:

    "Good luck on your search for Prince Charming. I'm done."

    Or no response.

    It was really a big, fat rejection. "It's just not going to work -- you were too hard on me, and while I did all kinds of stupid stuff to you, I don't care, what is paramount is that you hurt my EGO too much, so tough."

    That's really what it all is. Our fights and problems weren't even that bad -- the girl is just SO DAMN SENSITIVE and such a whimp (she REALLY is, believe me), she couldn't handle some criticism or a guy reacting to her bologna.

    I'm thinking just no reply.

    What is there to reply to? It's a total rejection.

    After reading I felt like, "Gee, sorry I'm that awful. See ya. Good riddance."

    I cared about this girl a lot and showed it (and she knows it), but just that little bit of criticism is ALL that matters to her -- that was a deal-breaker.

    Like most women, she wants to be b.s.'d and I didn't do that. I was just plainly honest.

    Ugh. Women.


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