sorry for the length in advance but i really need some help with this!
A week ago saturday, my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me even though she very obviously still has feelings and stated "im not happy about things and i dont want to be with you RIGHT NOW but I dont want to break up" back at the start of January it seemed like everything was still perfect. just the like honeymoon phase. But one night i went to put a move on her to initiate intimacy and she stopped kissing me. just wouldnt giveme kiss at all (this is after a month of no intimacy because we were unable to get her BCP prescription on time so to avoid the unwanted we agreed to wait untill the next month). so i asked her what was going on and thats when things fell apart. we had a long talk about our relationship and everything that was bothering her. she said that she wasnt happy with some decisions that i have made in the past regarding some things and as a result isnt happy in the relationship now.
pretty well everything she mentioned is easily changed/fixed but she doesnt believe that i want to change these things but rather believes that im only doing it to try and keep her around in desperation...not the case. one of the things that was brought up was involving weed. im pretty open about it, dont find any shame in smoking it and would smoke it with her whenever she felt up to it. she felt that i was too open and was stupid about smoking it and i admit that i was at times pretty dumb about smoking it. i smoked a lot, essentially when i wasnt working i would be smoking. i realized in december that little things were making me quite irritable and certain things she was doing (such as talking to me about work and different options for more hours) would irritate the hell out of me. started to feel like i needed to be high to enjoy things as most as possible. i didnt want to continue going like that so i began to cut back in december but in january i cut way back. went from spending close to 160$ a month and smoking close to 20 grams a month to spending 40$ all of jan to get 5G. i still have some of that weed left that i got in jan so i have smoked only about 5g since jan. after making the change i became less irritable and actually enjoyed things a lot more. (personal change that i did for me and cant seem to convince her that it was my chaoice and had nothing to do with what she said. i was doing this before she brought it up).
another thing she mentioned was how i was handling work. im in the begining stages of starting a career, working casual hours and not getting enough hrs to support my bills plus cost of living (my car is a rust bucket that is always broken and causing problems). Also when it came to family events and dates that we had planned together i would make sure that i had those days off so i would notify the people in the scheduling office at work that i would be unavailable for certain days and that there was certain shifts that i would not be able to take. i didnt want to ruin dates with her for work because i wanted to try and keep her happy while balancing work as well. looking back on it i should have taken the shifts over the dates/family events because the money is what i needed and trying to establish myself in a profession i should have taken anything and everything available. she also tried to approach me several times about work and getting more hours and also exploring more options. options that i was previously adamant about never doing until i did some shadow shifts and decided that it would be a good way to get money. by the time i realized this there was no courses available that i need in order to work this job. adding to her frustration. when she did approach me about these things i got really irritated and grumpy, i didnt want to hear it and shut it down quickly because i always felt like i was being told what i had to do with my life and what jobs i had to work. ive had mom breathing down my neck every step of the way trying to order me around and tell me what to do so i wanted the interdependence (mom was in on these conversations about work as well). rather than talking about these things and listening to what she had to say, i just shut it down and got mad. this made her feel like i didnt care what she had to say and that i didnt care about moving forward with my career. not the case, i just had it set in my head what i wanted to do and thats all i was going to do. ultimately i want to progress in my career by landing a full time position and joining the union but thats extremely hard to do where i work. ive applied to anywhere from 50-70 different positions within the union and havent heard anything back from anyone to even acknowledge the applications. so its not like i havent been trying. however based on me not wanting to persue other options she saw it as not trying everything i could to get more hours (fair in some ways). she wanted me to move on with my career so that we would be able to move on with our lives once she was done university and get our own place. she finsihed this past december and i still couldnt land that full time position.
So this leads to the next issue that i believe to be blown way up way too much but when something is important to someone and it doesnt happen then sh!t does happen. shes wanted to go to mtl for a long time. we talked about planning a trip to mtl to see a habs game and do various other things. ive been there a few times and have seen the city and its attractions so i want her to decide what we do there because i wanted it to be the best it possibly could for her. i made some suggestions on things to do because i really enjoyed them and knew she would enjoy them even more. she took it as me not caring about the trip because i wanted her to decide on some main things to do...again, not the case. because i was only picking up so many shifts i really had to budget my money. when sept came around i started to spend less money...but still smoke a lot of weed. i was able to pick up the necessary shifts to make the money i needed for this trip. however, my car needed some repairs done to it in order for it to be safe to drive there. i didnt want to fly because that would cost far too much. so i went to get my car repaired. 600$ later i still had a 300$ repair that needed to be done but couldnt afford it all at once. so i get paid again, more money, plenty for the trip. went to get the final car repair done so that we could plan to leave and i find out that its now going to cost 867$ because the rear sub frame rusted to the point that it fell off at the garage. boom! trip money gone and now im SOL and can no longer go on the trip. im tellin ya, the amount of anger that came out of her that doay...OH MY GOD! this trip getting ruined by unexpected bills was the trigger for everything happening. it sent everything else to the breaking point. her reasons for being so infuriated goes back to not having the full time hours so im not making money and spending money on weed rather then saving. so everything was built up and intertwined.
another factor that added to it had to do with surfing. surfing is my life when im not working and anyone who knows me knows this, whether they surf or not. its who i am, its what i do, its my biggest stress relief and my way of escaping everything else going on in the world. its my time to relax and just escape. we went through 6 months of flatness here in nova scotia. once in a while we got a small waist high bump. when this happened i would surf even tho its terrible waves (ive developed standards, if its no at least shoulder high and powerful then it doesnt do it for me anymore). she asks how it was i say terrible, even though i was still able to get out and catch a wave. this massive drought caused me to get grumpier than i ever have been in the past. this had never happened before, not in my 9 years of surfing, so i was grumpy all the time and even around her even though being with her was the one thing that made me happier than anything else and more than anyone could believe. i know i should have dealt with it differently and not talk to her about the crappy swell but rather my surf buddies. she always felt that surfing was more important to me than her. its not more important than her, its just that i know its something that i will always have even if she was to leave. no matter what, i will always have that special connection with the waves and water.
all of this stuff added up for her and pushed her past her limit. so now im stuck trying to convince her that everything shes thinking right now isnt true. but actions speak louder than words and my decisions/actions were not good ones and now im in this horrible situation. what i chose to do was not an accurate representation of how i feel about her and this relationship and i wish i had realized everything sooner. i know i made stupid decisions and i admit to all of them (tho some people here may say ive done nothing wrong and she needs to accept my decisions or shes not the right girl, i get that, theres going to be mixed oppinons but i feel like i done screwed up)
this girl has been nothing short of amazing to me. i cant even begin to list what shes done for me otherwise this will be far too long. way longer than it already is. i cant thank her enough for everything shes done and i feel like i havent done enough for her. we spent 3.5 years together extremely happy together with the acception of a bump in the road when i up and left for alberta to work. this caused stress, stress lead to more crap, more crap lead to break up, came home and was single for 5 weeks before she came back (she said at this time she was also unhappy and didnt know what she wanted. different issues, similar response but not a major. break up none the less) so going through it all again after being what a lot of people would describe as inseparable. we did everything together. we loved just being in each others presence. we went as far as planning our lives out for the future and discussing marriage. ive always felt that this girl is the one. i wanted to pop the question as bad as she wanted me to. i would have done it much sooner (maybe it wouldnt have changed anything) but i wanted to wait for the right time. i wanted us to have our own place and be established in a career or job that is steady and will pay. after this i had planned to pop the question and had sever diferent ways planned to go about doing it.
so i dont know what to do or think at this point. i just watched the girl of my dreams walk out of my life because of things that ive done. i would do absolutely anything to get this girl back. im hoping that someone on here has some useful advice on how best to approach this. i know there will be some who say move one and think i have oneitis but this doesnt feel right. she still has a lot of feelings for me, she cares a lot. and she said specifically that even though she wasnt happy, she didnt want a break up. I forced her into a decision last week because i couldnt go any longer than i already had being miserable, waiting and wondering what was going to happen and praying that everything would be ok. there was Tension when we hung out for all jan. could tell she wasnt happy with me by her body language. she also stopped wearing the ring that i bought for her 2 years ago (what a terrible feeling that is). something about this doesnt feel right, like it wasnt meant to happen.
im looking for some serious advice. I want this girl in my life more than anyone could possibly understand. so please any advice is very much appreciated. i realize that nothing is a guarantee and i need to move on but i refuse to stop fighting. if any girl is worth fighting for then its her! i need to regain her attration to me, i need her interest level to return to where it was and i need to regain her trust.
feel free to ask questions if something doesnt make sense and ill clarify it. again sorry for the length!