What's going on guys, been reading around these forums for the last couple days and I decided this would be a good place to come with my questions and get some different perspectives on my situation.
So let me start off with, I'm pretty good with women, never shy, hold myself of high value, can usually get the girls I want and not really the quiet type.
I was a club promoter working 21+ parties since I was 17 (22 now) so I have a pretty good Social Status and comfort around the opposite sex. Networking comes pretty naturally to me and most of the topics necessary for a good PUA are topics that I constantly read about to grasp a firm perspective of then put to good use.
I'm usually the one helping my friends with these problems and to be honest I used to think when it came to feelings and relationships I was untouchable then BOOM she walked into my life.
I instantly fell for her, it was fairytale like and we dated for 2 years. She's always been the long term relationship type while I've been around more than enough women to know when someone feels different/special.
Our relationship was amazing until the last 2 months, I found out my mother was getting remarried and moving out, she's a huge part of my life. I found out my sister and niece were moving to a different country. I lost 2 jobs (one of them being the downtown job that I cherished) and quite frankly I lost my motherfucking mind. With all these problems came losing my dream girl.
She tried so hard to save us, but I wasn't in the right mind state, she tried to get me to go to therapy and I refused, she blatantly told me her problems but I wouldn't listen, she wanted a break but i said no, she stopped having sex with me for the last month and I didn't care...I was just so blind to everything and overcome by the fear of losing her. I should have walked away and let her chase but instead I became scary.
I was jealous, needy, emotionally abusive, lied to her, lied to people around us infront of her, just not me. I cried lol i hadn't cried since i was in Gr.6 but she was my first love and I was on the verge of losing her when I had lost everything else. The girl who told me she wants to marry me, the girl who wanted my kids was becoming a cold distant stranger and I couldn't pull myself together to save it.
I lost her, poor girl tried to commit suicide because she was feeling so trapped (her family aren't the greatest to her either, very mentally abusive but they're so close that she doesn't see it), that night scarred me, I became worse, much worse, demon like. Sent way too many sappy letters at first, then I sent a damaging 9 page letter which attacked her and her family who I had a great relationship with (now they hate me) I became depressed, tried to make it up, buying them all gifts, buying her sister a birthday present, texting her all the time, constantly being annoying to the point where looking back I can't believe that was me because it is so unlike me.
Finally I got a grip and decided to go NC for 30 days, in that time I did a lot of reading on relationships and self help to help heal, I thought i healed but I was still deranged by thoughts of her. The 30 days didn't do anything she was still the only thing on my mind but at least using her as my inspiration I got my life back on track. Got my money and social life back up, traveled to cali to relax, came back feeling better and gave her a mixtape that i made (my own music, stupid and sappy as fuck though the songs were pretty good if I do say so myself, but definitely not how to get a woman back), no answer, followed by phone calls then finally a 45 minute meeting where she made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, she's having fun playing guys, telling me she turned into me. This was kind of good cause I knew i had such an affect on this girl. I got in touch with some bad people, went to miami to set up a contract to do some things I was not proud of. Came back feeling like I'm the fucking man again, I was finally actually healed but she was unfinished business, one last email led to a phone call, led to us deciding to be friends, finally now I could work my magic.
After the phone call I was gonna leave her hanging for 2 weeks just wondering where I am and I know that would have set me on the path I wanted to be on but one night i got into real trouble with these guys, they were hunting me; i had no keys, wallet and my phone was dead, found a payphone and called the only number i knew to come get me. She did, she hated me for making her do it but she came for me, she wanted to charge my phone and see it but i couldn't show her cause I was dealing with drugs and didn't want her to see that, she said I'm full of shit, I'm still a liar, she snapped and drove away screaming and bawling uncontrollably. I was sitting there like a miserable piece of shit, so damaged by what i kept doing to this girl, I called the guys who were looking for me and gave them my location, I think my indifference to life and death that night because of her is the only reason I'm alive today.
2 days later I get a phone call, telling me she's at the police station, i get there to find out she lied to me to get me back. I sent her pictures of my face and how damaged it was, talked on the phone again for 30 mins with me telling her how everything i do is for her, how i want to be rich for her, how I'd kill any guy that hurts her, and her telling me she doesn't trust me, thinks i beat myself up to go along with my story and the only way she will be happy is if i leave her alone.
Something died inside me with that conversation,I couldn't believe she thought so lowly of me after everything we went through, I went back to being vicious and ruthless for 2 weeks, met a lot of amazing women that I'm enjoying being around as some of them are truly remarkable but i still can't picture a relationship except with her (and some of these girls are sexy as hell and chasing hard).
I know I should leave this alone and not touch it with a 10 foot pole but I need to give it 1 last shot for myself, I have never met anyone who left such an impression on me, 30 more days no contact then I was gonna try to build some trust slowly yet show her I'm very unavailable for a relationship at the same time (to ease her mind and bring some defences down) as I'm actually enjoying being back to the old me so it isn't a far stretch, I want her back in my life and I want to rebuild from the beginning with her as a friend.
That's pretty much my story, if anyone has any help for what I should do after my 30 days I'd be glad to listen to opinions.