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  1. #1
    AmyMiller6228 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I am a girl, got dumped by my boyfriend, need advice!!!

    Hey all,

    I would love any advice, particularly from a guys POV? Here's the story, as short as I can keep it: my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago over a misunderstanding of a joke (he usually never misinterprets things like that, let alone over reacts that much!!! it was very out of character for him). We were together almost 1 year. We're only 20 & 21! Met through mutual friends (neither of us are really close with the mutual friends, bahah. We sort of met by a strange chance). We always got along great. He wanted to date me right away. Physical stuff was never important to him - we could move at any pace I wanted, but he wanted me as his girlfriend. He told me he never met someone so "chill" and so similar to his own personality. He had a ton in common. We fit into each other's lives very smoothly. About 6 months in, he was a little clingy and I started mentioning that we should take more space (we already live 1.5 hrs away from each other but he wanted to talk constantly, see each other every single weekend, etc) I have a busy life as a med student & working full time so it gets stressful, and I like to keep my social life separate so that I can be the best version of myself around the people I love. He always said he respected space but I always felt so bad because he started expressing concerns that I didn't really like him and stuff, which guilted me into thinking "wow amy, why are you being this way to this poor guy?!" so I ignored it and dealt with it. I never got tired of him and I loved hanging out with him and talking, so any need I felt for more space I ignored. However, it led to worse. It never got too bad, but little things started to bother me about him and what he was doing (out of character for me) and I was even kind of Bi*chy to him for no reason - I think I felt so smothered that he started seeing this different side to me - not that I hide my "true" self or anything, but I like to do my own things alone, I'm kind of a loner! I even started feeling kind of insecure, something I never usually waste my time with! Anyway, when he broke up with me he said it wasn't just over the stupid misunderstanding, it was everything. We were arguing too much and we should be able to relax and just enjoy each other, and I agreed with him. I told him we could easily do that, but he stuck to what he said - we are over. 3 days later, he came to say goodbye and was surprised by how normal I acted, like nothing happened. I didn't kiss him or anything, but I talked to him like normal, made sure the misunderstanding was cleared up, thanked him and told him I had a great time with him and that I would miss him, but that I would be fine without him and I knew he'd be fine, too. He seemed confused, like he was thinking, but he ultimately was determined to stick to what he said. He mentioned things that he would miss about me. He also asked me about being friends (although he hasn't reached out since then and it's been about a week now), and I said sure, indifferently. Since we live far apart, it's not like we would ever run into each other, which is good! We have always played videogames online together, so he mentioned that we should continue that because he really enjoys that. Him and his friends always usually ask me to come on and play games when they're online! Which is like, every day! I've logged in a few times since and they've been on, but no invite! He also mentioned that he wants to take me for "1 more ride" in his car, I LOVE his car, he's currently upgrading it and I was helping him work on it and he told me when he came over to say goodbye that he was almost finished it, and I said ooh that's awesome! And then he was like "Mmm...maybe I can take you for 1 more ride in it" kind of unsure, and I just casually said "yeah" and smiled and dropped it and moved on to end the convo. When I told him "everything was going fine, so I'm not really sure why we're breaking up. I mean I know we were fighting but we talked about this like 2 weeks ago and ever since then we were totally fine" (which was true) he didn't really know what to say and then he said something like "I just don't want to be one of those on again off again couples I sort of "confirmed" the breakup with him as he hugged me goodbye and he said yes, we are definitely broken up. Now I am doing no contact. I am still friends with him on facebook, and I post stuff regularly. Nothing with other guys, no in-your-face happiness, but just normal things like I always post, with friends, and random funny videos and everything. He doesn't comment on anything but I'm sure he sees it. Is it ok to keep him on my friend's list? (He deleted me when we broke up and then re-added me after we met up to say goodbye). When we said "goodbye" we were also using humor. I was being myself, like I said (we always joked with each other) so I just did that and at first he wasn't really responding to it but by the time he left it was like we were best friends again. But since then, I haven't heard anything. I did reach out once to see how his mom was (she had major surgery) I left it where he would NOT have to respond something like "I hope your mom did well!" and he responded. But his answers were super short and weird, not like him, but I left it alone! And now I am not contacting him at all, but there's one more little thing lol. I ordered an early holiday gift for him (before the dumping, of course) and I decided to just let it send. I think he will be getting it today. In the event that he texts me about it, should I respond or not at all? I was thinking of maybe waiting a day or so and then responding with something short and casual, letting him know that I ordered it before the breakup and "forgot" or something? Am I doing everything right? I won't reach out to him. After 3 or 4 weeks, should I assume he's not coming back? Any advice on what he may be thinking, what might happen next, what I'm doing wrong, what I should be doing? If he doesn't want me anymore, and it's worth it to him to leave, then I wouldn't want him anyway. But what if he regrets it, or isn't sure? And is too stubborn/scared/feels like he ruined it? Is there something I can do or say to make him know that he can come back, but also that I'm not waiting for him? I am focusing on myself, and being very positive but I don't want to send a "F*** you I've moved on to better things" message only because I am 100% open to him coming back, for a certain period of time, that is. He doesn't ever post much on FB or anything, he posts things on snapchat, but they've just been normal stuff, with friends, cars, etc, but I noticed he is talking to some girl (he's always been friends with her, so IDK if they're like "talking" now or just chit chatting or maybe he's like talking to her about the breakup, who knows!) Anyway I wanted to keep it short. Any advice or input would be appreciated! Thanks.


  2. #2
    ConnorMaxwell72 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I am a girl, got dumped by my boyfriend, need advice!!!

    Amy -

    First off, holy shit. A+ for enthusiasm, but Wall of Text crits for 1400 damage. lol, if you want more replies, try not to kill the readers with a wall of text. Punctuation, spaces, paragraphs, something... I have a short attention span and I'm surprised I got though that.

    I give a lot of advice about relationships and breakups semi-officially, and you would be amazed the disconnect between men and women and how we all deal with the feels. Without getting massively into the subject, it all stems back to the cavemen days and back to our ancestors survival mechanisms. Men needed to be able to think logically in order to get the big hunt, where as women's survival depended on codependency between tribeswomen and being able to empathize with each other (never underestimate the power of the connections women make, remember when your friends are hurting? You can almost FEEL the hurt with them and totally understand where they're at. Guys, not so much). With that said, if ancient Caveman Connor was in touch with his emotions and got all emotional while trying to hunt the Sabertooth Tiger, he probably wouldn't make it back. His survival depended on NOT being emotional. Women, on the other hand, are way more elastic when it comes to emotions (you can bounce through emotions quickly). I like to use the analogy that, relating to emotions, the same task as jumping into the pool, surfacing, swimming to the ladder and getting out for a woman - to a man, is like jumping out of a helicopter in the middle of the pacific ocean and trying to make it back to land. It's scary, intimidating, quiet frankly terrifying.

    Why is that important? Because I'm willing to bet that your ex is struggling to sort through his emotions. There are a few things going on. Him being a man and decisions being driven by logical/tactical thinking, he was finally fed up with the negative feelings and was able to suppress his emotions to make the logical (tactical) decision to end the relationship. His "survival" depended on it. I am willing to guarantee to you that he still has feelings for you, but he will suppress them through his logic side of his thinking.

    The best thing to do, either man or woman, is give space from the relationship. Like, a month or more. This is for several reasons, but the biggest is that you need to come to terms with your own emotions and take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate by the sounds of it, and it's over whelming, and I believe that at a certain level you didn't have time for a relationship. I'm sure he picked up on that (more on that soon). Secondly, you need to understand, both mentally and emotionally, that your relationship with your ex is over, dead, done, never coming back. Even if you guys still talk in the future at some point, the relationship you had with him ended and you need to go through your own grieving processes. This is a good thing, though. It lets you get over the past relationship and start over from scratch and create something new. If you bring all this baggage from the last relationship with you, all you're going to do is relive the old relationship - which includes all the problems and mistakes and fights.

    As I said about being busy in your life for a relationship, I think he got needy because you gave him a reason be insecure about the relationship. Men like constancy. Men like stability. Men hate change. Chances are, your endeavors for med school or your busy life schedule gave him a reason to start feeling insecure about the relationship. He probably picked up on it and either felt that you were moving on from him, wasn't interested in him, something... but he felt his world changing and didn't know how to handle it. So he tried to pull you closer to "return" to his normal perception of the relationship. You (even admitted) pushed back on him for it, and tried to get more space. This is totally natural, I'd suggest reading about Push-Pull theory (google), and it will give you some insight on that.

    If you take anything away from this, know that he's having a hard time dealing with how he feels about it, and you're likely to have sorted through a bunch of your emotions 10 times faster than he did. Take that into consideration.

    I'll keep an eye on this thread for your reply.

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