Hey everyone, new user but long time lurker.
I have an ex-back problem, I’m not totally inept with women (at least I think), been into a few reading materials and payed attention to forums and methods of PUA. Been doing it for a few years actually. In fact, my ex and i got together because she was a target I was gaming and things just kind of grew. Didn’t expect that to happen.
Any rate, I was hoping to get some other points of view on what’s going on from you guys (I’ll try to keep it short, I know there’s a lot of information to go through and attention spans these days…). I’m particularly interested in what T-Mal and the other all-stars have to say.
It started a few months ago, she has a strong work ethic and was working a job in retail. She started taking on more hours and seeing me less, until ultimately she didn’t see me in person for an entire month. I got bitter and resented what was going on, and didn’t really call her on her behavior because I was letting her build a case against herself to really have some “ammo” and let her have it.
We ended up having a fight over text when I finally called her out on why I was mad, which started with her saying “can we just pretend that everything’s ok?”. In the fight, she was very timid and upset (she said it was hard for her to text while she was crying), and said:
-she works because she gets satisfaction for it. She got turned down for a job in DC in her degree field, and works in retail gives her validation that she’s not a failure.
-Accused me of not being supportive because I was already asleep at 11:30 at night when she gets home.
-The conversation escalated into deeper topics when she said: “If I said ‘hey my parents are home, do you want to come hang? Would you even want to come over? What if I asked you if you truly love me? What would you say?”
-She said she has wanted to talk for a while but hid behind her job to avoid it, and we both should have been talking to each other (true). She said running away makes it go away.
-She said she’d rather work than see me, which was a sign from the ‘cosmos’ that we weren’t meant for each other.
-She was questioning if we were “in love” with each other, or if we “just loved each other” (whatever that means).
-Started questioning a lot of things:
-she wasn’t sure if she could handle the distance (We live near to each other, but I’m in the military and was getting ready to leave for 6 months - I’ve been in the military for almost 11 years, so it wasn’t like this wasn’t something she didn't know about getting into a relationship with me). She said that’s why she’s been distancing herself, to protect herself, because she knew I was going to be deploying again some several months after I came back from training.
-She then said she thought that it was a sign from the “cosmos” (her words) that we were meant to go our separate ways. Wondered if we should split, because if we came back together, it would be a ‘sign’ and she’d know it was meant to be.
-She justified working so much because “this is me, this is who I’ve always been”.
-She wanted to know where I stood (I told her that I was as committed to her as she was to me, which sometimes is a lot, and sometimes isn’t.)
-She said how we met wasn’t how it “should” have been (because I admitted to be a PUA when she called me on it, and knew about my past and questioned how we met I guess).
-She said she had no idea who/where she’d be when I came back.
-She summed it up by saying she didn’t want to lose me from her life.
The following week or so we had icy/awkward conversations, never really resolving the issue. Still didn’t see her in person. Ultimately, a week before I was set to leave, I dropped off her birthday gift (her birthday was a few days prior) which was a picture frame with a collage of our pictures. I texted her and said I left her gift outside and to get it before the wet ground damages it. She text me back, said she opened it and was crying because it reminded her of who we use to be, followed shortly with “I just know I can’t be what we were.” And that she still liked me but “something was missing”.
I tried to save face as alpha as I could, decided to be the one to call it off, and told her exactly why I wanted out (which I did): I told her that the “void” she thought was missing were all these things that she wanted out of me- all things that involved high-risk from me and no risk from her (being close with her parents, realistically every act of solid commitment from me with no real commitment from her, etc). I told her that in the course of everything, the game got stacked against me and there was nothing left that I could do. Nothing I could do was right or would fix it. She wanted me close with her parents, but wouldn't let me be close with them, and that it was setup so everything had to be mine to fix but everything I tried was rejected by her. She was actively looking for signs from the cosmos to prove we weren’t meant to be together and I wasn’t going to compete with that, and I wasn’t going to compete against her 3 jobs and be the bottom of her priority list. And realizing that the game was stacked against me, the only thing I could do was eject.
She didn’t text me back for hours, and then told me that she fell asleep when she finally texted me. I acted indifferent.
I instantly went into NC with her. A couple days went by and she texted me an innocuous text (something about a favorite politician we follow) which I did not answer, and a few more days went by and she texted me again which I didn’t answer.
Part 2 below - trying to break this up.