We've been going out for 6.5 years. Then we recently finished our degrees at university and she got a job within one month. Went away 6weeks for training and one week after that she started working at her new job. I went away for a week on a trip representing the university. I cheated and when I came back. I talked with my girl about the future and getting more serious and that I want to settle down now. I picked up the afternoon when we made out that something is not right and that her mind is in a different place. That's when we went for a drive and I talked about the future together. I then asked about her strange behaviour and if there's someone else, then she confessed about someone else at work, that she think she might be attracted to him and that she has never before felt something like this.
So before we get stuck in I am going back to the beginning (2007-2009)
I met her when she was still in high school. She was 15 and I 21, I was 6 months single and going through a rough time. I had my uncle's 4 bedroom house for myself and she stayed around the corner. I was seeing lots of girls and one was a former friend of her and she knew about it. But she was attracted to me, I am not going to lie but I had it easy with girls and I still do. At that stage I was not aware about PUA, but I knew about body language and non-verbal speech. So we started getting close and eventually got into a relationship and I broke all ties with other girls. BUT I warned her that I have been through a lot of shit and that I am a bad boy, I have cheated on all the girls before her and that I always have a trump card in the back of my pocket.
She finished high school and then we went to the same university. At that stage we dated for 3 years. I cheated once in the beginning of the relationship at that stage. Then she decided to team up with another friend and rent from a landlord who was divorced and they stayed in her house. Things then went sour between the other friend and the landlord, so the other girl moved out and then eventually she did too.
I had a crush on a girl from high school, the crush had highs and lows that I could manage emotionally. I had aa with the crush so we NEVER got together, but the emotions never got away... It faded but whenever I saw her during university holidays it flared up again. This messed with my mind. So I tried to dump my girl twice within the 1st 3 years. But I never told her why. But some how we managed to stuck together. I had feelings but it was not so intense, but I will get to the crush later.
So then my girlfriend decided to move out from the divorced lady's place, after her friend got another place. I had a car which I had to pick her up with every morning. So then when the friend decided to leave, it became too expensive for me to pick her up every morning because their was no public transport for her to university. So she gave notice that she is moving out. So she had to stay there for another month before she could move into another place, she also was to find another place. So then she moved in with me and I wasn't ready.
It was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever experienced in my life at first. But things grew, I felt in my heart that after I was done helping her that I am going to dump her. Because I am a Sagitarius and I had a single bed and she was in my space too quickly. So the relationship grew from their because I tolerated her and softened up.
Then she moved out into a girls only student house with a landlord. No men were aloud on the premises, but obviously we were students so we sneaked in and had some sleepovers. I can't remember any cheating then that year. Things were awesome!
We always had good communication in our relationship and could talk about anything.
The year after that she stayed in the
same student house and I moved to a friends house who stayed with his grandmother but she was still conservative and didn't allow sleepovers. So the squatting and sleepovers continued at the student house, I sometimes had to hide under the bed or in the cupboard but it was always fun because her room mate's boyfriend also did it with me and the room mate eventually fell pregnant with the guy. They are still together and he also got caught cheating last year and it took him 2 months to get his gf back.
Our relationship started to develop some cracks in her second year in the student house. I was unhappy that I had to do all the sacrificing to travel to her and that she never came to me after I made an accident with my car and I also didn't feel enough sexual excitement. She was not adventurous enough for me. Then during that time I heard about Neil Strauss and I started doing research, read some threads and got the book. I watched plenty of videos on youtube on Kino, the mystery method, push and pull strategy, cat string theory, Type A behaviour... So I was doing some kino on my girl and felt the power. Then I wanted more excitement in my life.
Before my girl I was playing poker and working before we studied. I was pretty good and made enough money to have an above average life for a student. Thing was when I got to university I stopped with poker full time and only played during holidays, so when I smashed my car... It got difficult for a while to see her, then I did some "the secret" stuff and wrote down that I am going to buy a bike. Then I played poker and got enough money to buy me a scooter, a top of the range one. So then I paused my poker again because university was my priority and when I was making too much money I got demotivated to study.
So when I got the bike things were going good again, it took me in between the car smash and the bike like 3months (detail is irrelevant) to make up my mind that I need to get my own transport again. After making up my mind, I made enough cash in two weeks. So things went smooth again with my girl. I got injured from rugby early in the season and was out for the rest of the year so rugby was not relevant.
The next year I didn't want to go back the to the old lady and she was fed up with the student house. We moved in together into a flat and like two months into it me and her decided to rent out one room and we moved into one room with a double bed. I got a business idea and we started a generic perfume business together. Things were good! I cannot remember cheating. I was playing rugby all these years and I was playing like 10minutes drive away from where we stayed so I was home every night.
The year after that we moved into another flat. We had some problems, but not major problems. I played rugby and had to take 1h30 minute drive to practice and after that another 1h30 minutes back home. At this stage I completely stopped cheating since 2010 and tried really to make the relationship work through PUA theory and she was deep into me. Then I got an STD and was stunned!!! Or the doctor said is was an STD, the first load of medication did not work. So I took her with to the doctor, because the doctor said you can only get this type of sickness through sex. I was stunned and she did not confess anything. So I told the doctor that here is my gf, you said it can only happen through sex and I did not cheat. So my gf said it was easy to pick it up from public toilets and I had nothing against that because the conversation happened at home. My trust was a bit tainted, I didn't know what to believe. But what I knew was, she had plenty of opportunity to cheat if she wanted. Because the flat had an electric gate and nobody could see who was visiting and who wasn't. That was like a downward spiral for me, I started to look at other girls and started cheating from somewhere around that point.
When I say cheat, I mean one night no strings attached. No numbers exchange, just pure game... And it was never about the girls, just the pure rush of attraction and seduction. I enjoyed the chase and it made me feel wanted. Each time I cheated I felt extreme guilt, but the cheating usually happened in a clubbing situation. Alcohol and attractive ladies then things developed from there.
This cheating was in my sub-conscious mind. So I wanted to dump my gf again and then we moved back and forward, where I forced her to move back to her room in the 2013 year. But we'd make up and she'd move back in. I was the provider most of the time for food, because my studies was paid in cash and I got a bursary. I also decided to play poker again and she'd sometimes play for me in tournament for 20minutes while I'd go to the shop at night for food or treats. I made plenty of money and sometimes her father got behind with rent then my dad helped out. This was only towards the end of our stay in 2013 that her dad got behind. So the year passed and I always had a pokerface and read books when I was travelling about lying. But the relationship was just messed up after my STD. We just moved forward as if it never happened but in the back of my mind this triggered me into cheating. I was going to dump her after we moved home after the academic year, but then things would go so good for us in November and December that I'd hold on and try because I am loyal.
2014 When the paw paw struck the fan
So I failed one module and needed to complete this module to get my degree and she had 6 months to go. I had to do this module in the 2nd semester from June till November and she had to do her 4 modules from February till June. She then stayed in our home town where I played rugby and she had to travel 3days a week for 1h30 and at night back, sometimes she wrote tests on Saturdays and then she slept at her friend the Friday night and would come home the Saturday. Or had to do an assignment then slept over.
I on the other hand was just playing poker and rugby and had weekends free and then she had to study so I was allowing her space, but I still saw her regularly like 3-4times per week. Not for long durations. I am a 1st team player and after my games I would go clubbing and then sometimes the boys would beg me to still drink with them after the club and then I would somehow end up with a different girl I'd say from April at least one girl every month when I went out until August. Just one night stands no strings attached.
My girlfriend then completed her degree and I went and condoned my outstanding module and we both graduated in September. Then she got into this talent pool program in September before we graduated.
I stopped cheating towards the end of the rugby season in October and announced my retirement from club rugby. Because I wanted to change and couldn't take the lifestyle anymore. I planned that I wanted to start 2015 on a clean slate. I think my gf's training for 6 weeks started in October, I was faithful after the rugby season my girlfriend started training and for the 1st 4 weeks I was faithful into the training. However I started reading Hillary Clinton's a women in charge and I ordered a bank card from which I withdraw money from pokerstars. This bank card got delivered to the addressed I stayed at in 2013 and then I had to ask a girl on facebook from the university if she could get the card from the new girl renting our flat. So there was complications and it took a week to get my bank card from the other girl and in the mean time while my gf was on training I started chatting with the girl from university who was supposed to give me this card. I was chatting lots of things with girl and talking about my current girl and our state of affairs and how long we've been together and not mentioning I have cheated before. So this girl became my talk buddy, because she went to bed late at night because she was studying and my gf early because she had to be up early to go to training for this new job. Things escalated and one night 4 weeks into my gf's training I got drunk with friends and this girl was in town and she was attending someone's 21st party and rocked up and then closed her. My gf came home every second week on this training, so the week after that she also didn't come home and I went out with my single male friend (guy from poland and a rugby buddy (single and 20 a prodigy player). My rugby buddy was writing a test the Tuesday so he decided not to drink. We came from the rugby club's year end function and dressed formally and hit the club in the formal wear, probably better dressed than everyone on the floor. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, so I wanted to play wingman for my friend from Poland. So I was starting to make conversation with as many girls on the dance floor as I could, I danced with one girl maximum to songs and then turn my back and work my way into the next girl group dancing in a circle and then kino a girl into dancing with me and once a boring song comes on go sit with my friends.
I picked up two girls that night. We left the club at closing time, the 3 guys walked ahead until no one was in sight and then the two girls caught up with us. I opened my arms and had one on the left and the other on the right and it turned out they were friends. So I drove somewhere where no one could see and then we stopped somewhere to smoke a joint and then I kissed the one girl and and slid my hand down her jeans into her panty at the same time while kissing her lips and as soon as our tounges touched I rubbed her clitoris (in order to tag that kiss with a clit rub). So the other girl also got horny because I was kissing the girl in front of them. My rugby friend was sleeping in the car and the polish friend was rolling a joint, so the other girl started moaning to my polish friend. I stopped kissing with the other girl to smoke the joint, we then went to drop my rugby friend and then came driving beg. I've never ever in my life heard a girl beg like that before, I was driving and the girl I kissed with set in front and they were at the back. She begged him "I want f... The polish guy" he eventually gave in even though she wasn't his type. I dropped the two of them off at his lodge he was staying and when they got out her skirt was all the way up to her naval and panties no where in sight. Even though the girl was not his type he went to pick her up at her house for the next 3 days and she's good looking. He had a crush on another girl, that he's in a relationship with now and they live together. Until he must move in February 2015. So I took off with the other girl, she was awesome and tight... Best screw I've had in a long time.
Then my girlfriend came back and it was near my birthday we had sex the day before my birthday if I am right. Then she got her period if I remember right and I took off on the chess trip from 1-5 December and she was then working for one week.
On the trip, I organised for my Polish friend and the girl he had a crush on to sleep in my room then I will organize a room for me to sleep in. I picked up another girl and slept in her room, I didn't have sex with her... I later found out that she went through a break up. So the Friday after the chess tournament this girl I picked up and a guy friend partied with friends from another university. The girl slept and me and my friend got wasted. Then at 5am we left to her house to drop her off. Then we talked about her break up and I felt her story and then my friend told me that I should stop this cheating that I am busy with, because if my girlfriend found out then she will dump me and I will be crushed.
So I slept for like 2 hours at this girls' house to recover and then my friend talked with her about her brake up. I left for my home town at like 2pm. (3 of us went to Mc Donald's and drank and stuff irrelevant).
When I got home I had sex with my gf because I missed her. Then she was so not into me. I sat on her lap and kissed her. She didn't want to be spontaneous and instead before we could flow into making love she got up from the couch and went into routine, straight to her room and we made love. I felt a strong attraction but her mind wasn't there so I came and then we finished.
About the crush now, this girl and I went to the same primary school and the same high school, I developed this crush on the last day of primary school. Then the crush grew in high school, but older guys always dated her or at least that was her crowd. Once I started studying I only saw her during holidays, but when I was maybe out clubbing she would flirt with me and I didn't want to hurt my girl (2010-2013 period) so I just starred at her with a blank poker face giving nothing away. But I wrote her a letter in high school, so at least she knows that I had a crush on her. That letter never helped me, I had AA (Approach Anxiety).
So somewhere in the beginning of 2014 or end of 2013 this girl came into the club after I haven't seen her in 2years, I was out that night with my gf and her friend. So I see her through the corner of my eye and I just see the guys crowd her. I then turn my back on her and pretend she was never in the club as if I did not even notice her to begin with. Now to escalate things even further, my girl is not in the mood for dancing and her friend's ex-boyfriend was also in the club so her friend danced with me and now I am into this dancing thing.
About my dancing, I can dance with a girl I on my own and she on her own. But when it comes to jazz or holding hands while dancing I am not that good but I can keep a rhythm. So I'll always allow the girl to lead.
Now my gf friend is taking a break and then next moment my crush approach me from behind and starts dancing. We're talking here about a girl who has a honours degree in dancing specializing ballet with her own dance school. So first I dance on my own and she also but we're doing seductive dancing, no touching but short of kino type of stuff. What Chris Brown is doing in "Love More" when he gets on the floor with that one girl. So the next moment this girl grabs my hand and I throw it away and say nah... I can't dance duets/couple dances whatever its called. So she insists, my fricken entire world almost came to a standstill this was the girl dancing with me I sold my sole for to my ex gf, because this girl controlled my emotional circuitry. So I keep a straight face on the dance floor but in my mind I am almost melting. (When I confessed everything about my life and talked about that night, my gf said that she could see my eyes and the way I looked at her while dancing), so then my gf's friend got into some argument with her ex or something then they came to call me off the dance floor after like two songs. I was emotionally a mess and it killed me inside. But at least I had space now from my gf because of my studies so I could recooperate myself and get myself in one piece. Then somewhere in June this girl got engaged and some how I managed to came over her. I prayed everyday that things between me and my girl would come right and that I would feel more intense feelings for my gf. I also did some quantum entanglement things even though I don't know that much about it, in order to get more emotions for my gf. But I was now over this crush.
I also realised that I must quit rugby and chess if I want to work on my relationship. I announced my retirement then and my last chess trip.
So the Sunday after the Saturday I picked up something was going on with my ex-gf. We talked relationship stuff, about she getting her own flat and that I could move in until I get a job and that I could play poker online. Because my dream is to become a pro poker player. But I need a stable job first. Cuz I cannot keep on using my poker bankroll for clubbing and entertainment. And then I asked if there's something she would like to tell me because I picked something was wrong the previous day.
She mentioned this other guy and that she's a bit confused and that she's never felt something like that before. Then time got up because she was working the next day so I said I wanna know more and then "it slipped out of my mouth that I am also not that innocent". So the next day it was on, she said that it was a colleague working with her. So I mentioned about advice another female friend told me about on the chess trip who noticed I cheated and I told my ex-gf this other female friend (not sexual binding or seduction with her) talked about a 30-day break thing. I had no clue there existed theory around that at the time.
Then I said maybe she needed the 30day break in order for her to clear her mind. Then she asked "so what was this thing you talked about that you're not so innocent?" I confessed all my cheating, after the second girl and name she forced out of me, I got up and wanted to leave the room... So she asked if I am going to be a coward and walk out. So I thought what the hell I already came clean about some so I spilled the beans all the names I could remember, she was crushed. This was the 8th of December and 8 is her lucky number.
Then the 30 days begun, I cannot explain how painful this experience was. Man O Man I never knew I had so much feelings for my ex-gf, our relationship was just boring maybe because of student life and that we didn't get much time to make things exciting and the tough year in 2013. Boy O Boy was I in for a ride... We're talking here about drug withdrawal symptoms, at that point I haven't had sex in 2weeks. I was single, I was single because I cheated, so screwing more girls would only cause me to get deeper into trouble. I decided to start a program for me to change.
I deleted all the porn I had. And haven't gone back watching since. I was disciplined and didn't masturbate after the break up. I was beginning my change, I stopped rugby, I had no more chess, no more poker. My Polish friend had a new gf and my rugby friend I am still seeing every now and then, but he's too inexperienced to give me advice so its pointless talking with him.
So I at this point haven't read or heard about the 30 day no seeing rule yet. So I talked my heart out with my Polish friend, then I asked advice from the girl who suggested the 30day idea. Then I talked with my gf's room mate from the student house and she talked about a movie about a year long break and that I should fight for her and mentioned writing a letter.
But somehow, the words of Mystery stuck in my head. It was like a red light flickering (like a blunder on a chess engine) in my head that went off. "We live in a backwards culture". So I immediately thought that there might be a possibility that I might be given the wrong advice deliberately. I was vulnerable at the time.
Before the 30day program
Like two days after my break up I wrote this letter.
You are the love of my life. When I met you I was a broken man. Since you came into my life, my life started to get more colour. You taught me how to love and later how to trust. You complete me in so many ways. When I met you, you were a diamond in the rough but complete in so many ways, today you have matured into a beautiful polished diamond that no money could buy. You loved me without fear. I am so deeply flawed but with you on my side we are unstoppable and I complete... I cannot see my life without you, I see you as the mother for my children one day. If I had the privilege and honour I would one day like to marry you. We still have a long way to go and I yet so much to proof but one thing I know for certain is that you are the one and only for me. If I could, I would kiss the surface you're walking on and be your server until the end of time. XXXXXX can I please have you back in my life again without you I am a broken man. I promise to love and be faithful to you until the end of time.
"Poisoned Pawn" (real name)
Then she send me a text that the letter might help for me maybe but it is pissing her off even more and that it remind her about my wrong doings. I researched google, how to get your ex-girlfriend back. I read multiple advice sites and followed what everyone had in common. And after that disciplined two days I was super puzzled.
Friday 12 December 2014
The Friday I drove to her house to ask if she was to join because my friends are throwing a party, but she had already arranged for the weekend a sleep over in another town with her friend who was with her the night I danced with my crush. So I just hugged her tightly and was the last one to let go from the hug.
Then I went to party with my rugby friend and I got so fricking drunk. My polish friend's girlfriend got sick so he decided to stay with her. At like 23pm my mind started screwing with me and the maximum amount of frustration reached me, I was thinking that she went clubbing or her friend organised her some guy. Then I contacted my married brother who was good with women back in the day, to explain that I confessed all my cheating and that we're out. He responded the next morning at like 6am and we were still drinking from the previous night.
His response was, that the best thing was that I move on. Because it will never be the same again and I should have gone to the grave with my cheating, that I should never have cheated in the 1st place.
(Saturday morning around 6am)So in my intoxication I sent my gf a message that I think it is best that I move on because my brother advised me to. Hoping that this might invoke an emotion out of her.
Later that Saturday me and my friends drank again then I went home early and was up at 5am the next morning and went for a 5km run. I kept my distance, whenever I missed her I did research on forums, I started exercising and doing positive speech while running and hammered myself to experience maximum pain when I was jogging the 5km. This fooled my brain and released endorphins, after the 1st exercise session I could feel more control over my emotions. That was Sunday the 15th December, then I completely stopped contact with her. I then kept myself busy. I blocked her on Whatsapp and deleted her from Facebook.
On the 21st she sent me an inbox on Facebook that read like this.
God man, you were a fricken slut. I bow my head in shame for ever dating you. You're a slut with a D... You screwed any girl with a c... And then you come to me afterwards without any shame and reveal no sense of regret or wrong doing, I know your conscience will bother you forever fricken liar. Sis
I later replied with this.
I am sorry for what I've done. You're busy experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Use your time to recover and remove everything that reminds you about me. You can upload our photos on a computer and remove everything from your phone and after 30days you can decide whether to keep it or not. I realised to late that I had a problem and I didn't know how to resolve it. When I realised that I had a massive problem, I decided to take action immediately and deleted all pornography (normal stuff you find on tubes). I have now been clean from sex in any form for 20days and am busy to master abstinence. I am really sorry that I hurt you. Everything will get right XXXXX. Everything takes time and it is not going to be easy. Sex was like a drug to me and I now have better control over it now. I have for more than 10 years never been without sex in any form for more than 20 days. I am better now and not sexually frustrated anymore because I did research about what was happening with me. Goodluck with your recovery, you will be fine.
Hahaha Dr. Phil enjoy your life, I will pray for you.
So I replied
Thanks xxxxx, Now I need my space don't bother me again unless you feel better.
Cheers you will never hear about me again.
On the 22nd I went to see her about someone that owed us money from before the business we had. Then I mentioned that me and her had a deal that she was supposed to deposit money into my account. From what this client owed us. The next day I found out from her that she slept with the guy from her work.
He is her team leader and she reports to him at work. In the meantime I had a job interview for the same company in a different area. So things are also happening for me.
On Christmas I went to see her and wish her Marry Christmas because her parents are away for the holiday. 2 hours later I phoned her to ask if she wants to come for dinner because my mother asked... She was at family friends house having lunch. So I had no contact with her for the rest of the week. On Saturday the 27th she asked me if I can help her with transport to my rugby friend's sister. I accepted but told her that I am a bit busy and gave her an approximate time. I then picked her up at that time and dropped her off and she partied with my rugby friend, his sister and mostly my other friends.
I however went out with my Polish friend and his girlfriend. Like 21h00 she texted me to ask that my friends were asking what I was up to. I replied that I was watching a live show... She responded that they said that I should come and pay them a visit. I joined them an hour later. She already had a couple glasses of Red Heart Rum. So they poured me some drink when I got there. At passed 2 am someone tried to brake into my car and me and my buddies went to go look if we could find this guy. It took like 5minutes and ohhh I forgot.
She and my rugby friend's sister posed and made me take pictures with her phone. I had a stern non-revealing smile the whole time.
She flirted with me all night, I didn't know what the hell was going on. She was just flirting away and I thought, nahhhh too good to be true. She is playing with me, so later on when it got a little empty outside. I gave her a back massage then a neighbour alerted us about my car. Then when I came back she was ready to leave.
So I escorted her home, went to check if it was safe and then she rushed to the bathroom and started vomiting because she brushed her teeth and then her tongue. I went to go rub her back and then she went to go lie in her bed. She said she was hungry, so I made a meal and then she felt better. For some reason we started making out and the sex was good.
Then we talked about everything about her. Who the guy is that she is seeing and her situation. I then slept in her younger sister's room and then ate lunch with her and then we had some more sex and talked.
I got all the information about what happened from her and then I read all the texts on Whatsapp. I was cool and calm, acted in control and all Alpha and explained to her that should things come right between me and her that this guy is going to make the world difficult for her...
She revealed about her that drank a 6 pack with him and she was naked in the car with him and I asked if he fingered her, she shyly admitted after some psychology I used on her. And then I think the next day (so this was the 22nd then) the 23 she invited him to her house. Opened the garage for him to park and then they had sex.
She confessed that he was bad in bed. I also saw from the Whatsapp messages that she avoided him after that day and he asked what was wrong and if he did something wrong. She mentioned something that she doesn't want to fall in love with him and that it was supposed to a no strings attached relationship. They talked stuff about other people that might notice at work, and CCTV footage.
He was concerned about her telling other colleagues. After they had sex the whatsapp text messages diminished drastically and it was evident that she realised that she made a mistake.
Now Monday (yesterday) I paid her a visit. Told her that I was going with a friend for supper and 2 hours after that I asked if she would like to come with for drinks.
Oh yes and Sunday before I left she asked me what she should do, so I said I am not bad mouthing another guy. You made your own bed, you sleep in it.
When I arrived at her house she looked a bit upset, so I asked how her day was. She asked for a cigarette and she said a typical Monday. I knew something was going on... After the smoking she prepared supper and after we ate she said, she dropped the bomb to the other guy. I was curious to read her Whatsapp but I contained myself. So I ignored that completed and just wet the grass with the hose pipe and then I asked if she would like to join us tonight.
She said she wasn't hungry so she didn't order food. And then once we placed our order she got hungry and decided to order food. Then me and my friend's food arrived, then I wanted wait for her food to come. But she said eat, so decided I am eating otherwise I might be seen as submissive if I waited. So my friend finished his food fast (really was inconsiderate and was on his laptop the whole time) and I ate slow so my food also got finished and before her food arrived she said she's leaving after her drink is finished. So she left and then. I went home with her and she said, she was starting to think about all the women I saw again and that she needs her space.
I wanted to stay clean and be faithful and get engaged with her next year April 21. What can you guys advise me?