Hi, I'm Calin, 31, from a Balkan country, living in China for a few years now.
I posted this a while ago, but I think it was on a wrong section,
So this girl,
We are both studying at a university in a China, we’re coming from completely different places. This relationship somehow started from chaos. I met this girl last year in May, she was supposed to get married in two months with a guy whom I was friend with. At that time I was together with a girl for eight and a half years. So long story short, something happened between us, she didn’t get married and I broke up with my girlfriend.
First, she told me repeatedly that I saved her from making a huge mistake. She found out pretty bad stuff about that guy after all this happened. In my relationship things weren’t working anymore and after all this happened I realized if not this, something similar was bound to happen.
Second, with this girl, I’ll call her M, I always had a tremendous sexual Tension. Part of the reason for which we’re not together now was that we started sinking into our instincts, without doing anything else, we, especially me, weren’t productive at all. Another important thing you should know is that, although she wasn’t a virgin, she told me she never had a real sex life before me, the guy who she was supposed to marry was her first and from what I understand they did it for a couple of times at most in 3 years.
The main reason I believe she wanted to break up, in March, was mostly because I wasn’t offering her a vision, I got soft and demotivated, I wasn’t like that at first, but somehow I changed and started to get “soft”. Although I had some great achievements in the past, I wasn’t doing something significant at the moment. Many times she was telling me that we don’t have any plans, that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, stuff like that. We can’t live only from the passion. Besides, coming from a very traditional background, for her it always seemed “not right” that we were together. For the first couple of months we were literally sneaking around so our friends won’t see us. She also complains about me a lot, she’s judging me frequently and is very, very jealous, she’s Latina – there’s your stereotype. She’s a very beautiful woman (I’d say a 9 or more, she could very well be a model, only she chose a more intellectual life) and many times (probably also because of the sex) she feared that I only like her for her body.
So we broke up about 5-6 months ago. It was really hard for me cause it was the first time I was dumped. I recently read this "Text Your Ex Back" by Michael Fiore, and I learned two things: first, I have to change my life, change myself and become better, no matter what the future will be - this being beyond any relationship. Second, it makes you think and understand well if and why you should or shouldn't be with that person. In my case, after all of this time, many other dates and experiences, I know we would make a great couple, if there wasn't all of this chaos at the beginning of our relationship, and well, her trust issues, which, at the beginning were legitimate.
One of the very wise things I read in this program is that I don't need her. By nature, I’m not a clingy or needy person and if I feel I have such a feeling I always try to think rational and motivational, or listen to AC/DCJ
I feel that I can have a very good future together with her, we can make an awesome team and we understand each other very well. She told me quite a few times that she never connected with someone us deep as with me. Apart from that, considering her condition (she has chronic depression and takes medication) I feel good being there for her, supporting her and helping her. It is just something that makes me happy and fulfilled. Apart from this it was the first time in my life I was completely sure I don't want other girls in my life except her. In the last year of my previous relationship I cheated on my girlfriend, about twice or thrice, just one-night stands, but when this new girl came around I decided I have to break up with my previous ex.
I never actually chased her since we broke up, never begged her in any way. Once, before we were to not see each other for about 3 months, we had a couple of days we hugged and made-out, but no sex, when I tried to escalate I got a “no, not like this”. I did something which according to this program is a big no-no: during the 3 months apart I kept contact with her by e-mail, although never begging or crying after her, just sharing stuff in my life, writing to her some of my dreams (she loves that) and some poetry (not love-declaration poems, although very sensual), which, again, she loves.
I met with M when she came back. I had a very mature and peaceful talk with her, in which I actually thanked her for having the strength to break up with me (she told me quite a few times it was extremely hard for her to take the decision), because I got to see my life differently and start changing it. It was good because this time we didn’t drink, I like drinking but she drinks A LOT, so that’s definitely not a good combination with her chronic depression and medication. So after the last meeting she sent a hand-written letter to me in which she basically said that sometimes she’s scared of being next to me, and I’m one of a kind and I should use my abilities to improve my life and those of people around me, that I should think big. She also said that her days of complaining about and trying to fix stuff in my life are over and she has to focus on herself to be a better her. She ended it with “What is more important in the world than caring and loving each other?” I haven’t contacted her since she sent this letter.
Now I’m in the 30 day no-contact period, doing the stuff and homework in the program step-by-step as good as I can. Although I think I’m ok on the self-esteem part, I’m still doing the “love yourself” game, just to be extra sure. I’m also forcing myself not to look at photos with her, no FB, I avoid going to places where I might bump in to her if I don’t have a real reason to go there. And I am prepared to (politely, nicely) fend her off if she contacts me or we meet by accident. It’s hard, but also the occasional dates and doing capoeira helps.
So, conclusion and questions:
The thing that I saw very useful in this program is that it is not only for getting back together with someone, it also helped me to be more pro-active and actually start building my future.
One thing I’d want to avoid in the future is drinking excessively with her. If something’s gonna happen again between us it has to be a sober thing.
Another thing is, attraction was never a problem between us, even when we met last time I could feel it very strong. She is still attracted to me, physically, so I guess that means I need to work on other issues.
From my experience, dates and sex with different women didn't help on the emotional side. I had to rely on my will to get over the hurt and neediness (each time I felt it creeping into my brain). It actually made me a bit depressed, as quite a few times the ex's image appeared in my mind when I was in bed with another woman.
I'd really appreciate your opinion.
I'm planning to also write about my experience with dating Chinese girls. It is VERY interesting. I'd like your opinion there as well.