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  1. #1
    flyingwhale is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default A Latino story from China

    Hi, I'm Calin, 31, from a Balkan country, living in China for a few years now.

    I posted this a while ago, but I think it was on a wrong section,

    So this girl,

    We are both studying at a university in a China, we’re coming from completely different places. This relationship somehow started from chaos. I met this girl last year in May, she was supposed to get married in two months with a guy whom I was friend with. At that time I was together with a girl for eight and a half years. So long story short, something happened between us, she didn’t get married and I broke up with my girlfriend.

    First, she told me repeatedly that I saved her from making a huge mistake. She found out pretty bad stuff about that guy after all this happened. In my relationship things weren’t working anymore and after all this happened I realized if not this, something similar was bound to happen.

    Second, with this girl, I’ll call her M, I always had a tremendous sexual Tension. Part of the reason for which we’re not together now was that we started sinking into our instincts, without doing anything else, we, especially me, weren’t productive at all. Another important thing you should know is that, although she wasn’t a virgin, she told me she never had a real sex life before me, the guy who she was supposed to marry was her first and from what I understand they did it for a couple of times at most in 3 years.

    The main reason I believe she wanted to break up, in March, was mostly because I wasn’t offering her a vision, I got soft and demotivated, I wasn’t like that at first, but somehow I changed and started to get “soft”. Although I had some great achievements in the past, I wasn’t doing something significant at the moment. Many times she was telling me that we don’t have any plans, that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, stuff like that. We can’t live only from the passion. Besides, coming from a very traditional background, for her it always seemed “not right” that we were together. For the first couple of months we were literally sneaking around so our friends won’t see us. She also complains about me a lot, she’s judging me frequently and is very, very jealous, she’s Latina – there’s your stereotype. She’s a very beautiful woman (I’d say a 9 or more, she could very well be a model, only she chose a more intellectual life) and many times (probably also because of the sex) she feared that I only like her for her body.


    So we broke up about 5-6 months ago. It was really hard for me cause it was the first time I was dumped. I recently read this "Text Your Ex Back" by Michael Fiore, and I learned two things: first, I have to change my life, change myself and become better, no matter what the future will be - this being beyond any relationship. Second, it makes you think and understand well if and why you should or shouldn't be with that person. In my case, after all of this time, many other dates and experiences, I know we would make a great couple, if there wasn't all of this chaos at the beginning of our relationship, and well, her trust issues, which, at the beginning were legitimate.

    One of the very wise things I read in this program is that I don't need her. By nature, ​ I’m not a clingy or needy person and if I feel I have such a feeling I always try to think rational and motivational, or listen to AC/DC
    J

    I feel that I can have a very good future together with her, we can make an awesome team and we understand each other very well. She told me quite a few times that she never connected with someone us deep as with me. Apart from that, considering her condition (she has chronic depression and takes medication) I feel good being there for her, supporting her and helping her. It is just something that makes me happy and fulfilled. Apart from this it was the first time in my life I was completely sure I don't want other girls in my life except her. In the last year of my previous relationship I cheated on my girlfriend, about twice or thrice, just one-night stands, but when this new girl came around I decided I have to break up with my previous ex.


    I never actually chased her since we broke up, never begged her in any way. Once, before we were to not see each other for about 3 months, we had a couple of days we hugged and made-out, but no sex, when I tried to escalate I got a “no, not like this”. I did something which according to this program is a big no-no: during the 3 months apart I kept contact with her by e-mail, although never begging or crying after her, just sharing stuff in my life, writing to her some of my dreams (she loves that) and some poetry (not love-declaration poems, although very sensual), which, again, she loves.
    I met with M when she came back. I had a very mature and peaceful talk with her, in which I actually thanked her for having the strength to break up with me (she told me quite a few times it was extremely hard for her to take the decision), because I got to see my life differently and start changing it. It was good because this time we didn’t drink, I like drinking but she drinks A LOT, so that’s definitely not a good combination with her chronic depression and medication. So after the last meeting she sent a hand-written letter to me in which she basically said that sometimes she’s scared of being next to me, and I’m one of a kind and I should use my abilities to improve my life and those of people around me, that I should think big. She also said that her days of complaining about and trying to fix stuff in my life are over and she has to focus on herself to be a better her. She ended it with “What is more important in the world than caring and loving each other?” I haven’t contacted her since she sent this letter.

    Now I’m in the 30 day no-contact period, doing the stuff and homework in the program step-by-step as good as I can. Although I think I’m ok on the self-esteem part, I’m still doing the “love yourself” game, just to be extra sure. I’m also forcing myself not to look at photos with her, no FB, I avoid going to places where I might bump in to her if I don’t have a real reason to go there. And I am prepared to (politely, nicely) fend her off if she contacts me or we meet by accident. It’s hard, but also the occasional dates and doing capoeira helps.

    So, conclusion and questions:
    The thing that I saw very useful in this program is that it is not only for getting back together with someone, it also helped me to be more pro-active and actually start building my future.

    One thing I’d want to avoid in the future is drinking excessively with her. If something’s gonna happen again between us it has to be a sober thing.

    Another thing is, attraction was never a problem between us, even when we met last time I could feel it very strong. She is still attracted to me, physically, so I guess that means I need to work on other issues.


    From my experience, dates and sex with different women didn't help on the emotional side. I had to rely on my will to get over the hurt and neediness (each time I felt it creeping into my brain). It actually made me a bit depressed, as quite a few times the ex's image appeared in my mind when I was in bed with another woman.

    I'd really appreciate your opinion.

    I'm planning to also write about my experience with dating Chinese girls. It is VERY interesting. I'd like your opinion there as well.

    C.

  2. #2
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    Dizzie is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: A Latino story from China

    I've never read Michael Fiore's book but the advice you've highlighted in it seems good so far. I Agree. Although in most cases its best to completely move on from an Ex, it is possible in sometimes to rekindle an old relationship. Part of the journey to getting your Ex back is actually realizing that you don't NEED her and your life will be great without her. You need to continue taking time away from her so that both of you can reset your emotions. No contact either. The point is to give yourself space to enhance your life as man so IF and WHEN you finally decide to reinitiate contact, she'll be meeting a better you. The more emotionally conflicted you are, the more time off you need. You need to get to a place mentally where you're 100% ready to walk away from the situation forever. I think it's great that you've taken the time to explore other relationships with other women as well. By exploring other options, it will enhance your judgement for what you want in regards to dating. The 'no contact' period also gives her space to grow as an individual and figure out what she wants as well. If you've done all the above and you still feel like this girl is perfect for you after enough time has passed, then reach out. Remember if the attraction is not there that you must be ready to walk away. I hope everything works out for you!

    -Dizzie

  3. #3
    flyingwhale is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A Latino story from China

    Thank you for your input.

    Last night I went to a party, I knew she could be there, but I went anyway, it was a somewhat small gathering at a common friend's place. I was thinking about not going, but I took it as a challenge. I met her, politely said hello and ignored her for the rest of the time there.

    As usual I was happy, confident, larger than life. Although I didn't get near her I could feel some Tension, it seems that we can't be in the same place without some electricity happening.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dizzie View Post
    Remember if the attraction is not there that you must be ready to walk away.
    Well as I said, the problem isn't that there's no attraction, on the contrary. And since that got us together by creating a huge chaos, it might be exactly the problem. I literally can't be in the same room with her without having this sexual tension.

    Apart from attraction, I have one question:

    In the letter she sent to me more than two weeks ago (haven't contacted her since) she was saying that she cares about me but she needs time to work on herself and become a better her.

    She also said that she is "scared of continuing being close" to me.

    So, considering that emotionally I feel quite good and things are working better and better for me, I have again, after a long while, a really high self-esteem, and considering the persistence of attraction and the things she said in her letter, should I contact her before the 30 NC period ends? The thing is she's gonna go to a trip in Europe from the beginning of October and she's gonna be away for more than a month. Should I wait until she comes back? Or send her a non-needy, non-invasive text before she leaves? I must add she never ignored my mails or messages, she always seems to be very responsive.

    I was thinking if I contact her over text or mail before she leaves, I'll have the chance to do it right this time, following the instructions in Michael Fiore's program, so that when she comes back there might be something more going on. Also, keeping contact with her over mail while she's traveling can be a very intimate thing, it might make her feel protected in some way.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: A Latino story from China

    I personally don't think even 30 days of no contact is enough time. Both you need time apart to grow as individuals and get your lives I order. Often times it takes a person months or even years to change. New patterns of thought and ways of thinking need to be introduced to the brain and that takes time. You said that you felt soft and demotivated while you guys were together. That is not a healthy relationship. She should be stimulating you to be your best self and it works both ways.

    When you guys meet each other again, you should be meeting more evolved versions of yourselves. Right now if you get back together with her, you're very likely to sink into the same relationship funks as you were in before. The point of the 'no contact' period is for you to reset your emotions and start changing your habits. You can't be available to her. You need to become a scarce resource and drop off from her planet. If she's going away on vacation for a month, what's the point of messaging her? The logistics of the situation are not your side here. Anything you send her is going to come off like "Hey I'm trying to play things cool but I can't stop thinking about you and please don't forget about me when you're out having fun on this trip." Very needy and doesn't create any kind of challenge. You become too available to her and the ball is in her court. No contact.

    I'd take her going away on this trip as a blessing in disguise. It's the perfect time for you to enhance your life and improve your inner game. When she gets back, you can reinitiate contact and discover what you guys have together. Ultimately it's your life/happiness and I'm not the one living it. You asked and I dropped my input.

    Goodluck!

  5. #5
    flyingwhale is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A Latino story from China

    Yeah, I think you have a point there. Waiting until she comes back might be the better option.

    I also think you’re right about having the time to grow individually.

    About the risk of appearing needy in the messages, even if you actually aren’t, M Fiore’s program addresses the issue with these principals:

    • first message has to be very innocuous, positive and shouldn’t ask for a reply. Something like “Hey, I went hiking the other day around the tea village and I remembered that time when we had tea at that old woman’s house hope you’re doing well!” This way the ex has a way out in case she doesn’t want to reply. Here you have to have patience and DON’T HAVE EXPECTATIONS.
    • You have to realize deep inside that your former relationship is DEAD and u have to create a new one (that is, of course, if the occasion appears)
    • After establishing contact make it as slow as possible: wait at least two hours before you reply, be the one to end the conversation at least 3 times out of 4, generally be positive, in control and keep distance, even if the ex would want to meet.
    • The idea is to escalate very very slow and at each step gauge the ex’s reaction, and back off if you don’t get the reaction you want. ALWAYS be prepared for the worst.
    • When you reach the point where, ideally, the ex will propose a meeting, keep it simple, light, fun and positive, don’t rush to sex EVEN IF THE EX WANTS – again, showing that you are not desperate and you want to take it slow, and respect her, just as if you met for the first time.
    • By doing these things, keeping in control, keeping distance, ending the conversation first, the goal is to get the ex in a state in which you leave her wanting more, longing for you.

    Thinking about the reason we broke up, in a sense you’re right, she should support and motivate me, which she tried, quite hard, the thing is that it was my mistake to ignore her efforts. It was a really dark part of my life, because otherwise I’m quite energetic, I am the one who motivates others – and lately I got that mood back. I KNOW that if I get another chance I won’t make the same mistake. It’s been more than half a year since then, I have enough perspective, emotional balance and self-esteem now.

    Thank you so much for your considerate answer and for the effort of reading such long posts!

  6. #6
    flyingwhale is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Some conclusions after 1 month of NC

    Some conclusions and thoughts after almost 1 month of NC

    - I bumped into ex a few times, I said hello politely, had a positive attitude, but kept distance – completely ignored her. Especially in a party, I focused on having lots of fun with all the other people
    - I went to dates but was disappointed. I decided I won’t try to contact ex until I score at least with one girl who’s at least her level – 9 or higher. The reason why I got depressed and disappointed was that most of the girls I met are not a real challenge, need to work on the self esteem in this regard
    - I know ignoring her has a great effect on her. Each time I met her she was trying to catch my attention, look me in the eye, but I kept being distant. She desperately wants a reaction from me. I decided I won’t do anything until I’m ok with myself. I feel ok now but in order to be 100% sure I need more time.
    - When I had the biggest impact on her was when I didn't care about it, so this attitude is what I'm heading for now.
    - Started reading Art of Seduction by R Greene… Amazing book. I identify myself mostly with the charismatic, while the ex I think she’s the archetype drama queen hehe I learned a lot from this book


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