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  1. #1
    MAATHEWW is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    Hi everyone, I recently signed up because I need advice on how to get my ex back.

    So recently (3 weeks ago) my ex and I broke up, she became paranoid that I had been sleeping with someone else. So one night she was at my house and she went to roll herself a smoke whilst I was upstairs but couldn't find papers and so she went into my underwear drawer thinking that some might be there. She ran upstairs instantly, with a pair of my old underwear and was hounding me that they were someone else's, we got into a pretty heated argument and so she had her brother pick her up and take her home.

    The next day, I noticed she left her key at my house so I rang her up and told her that her key was there and took it too her. We had a bit of conversation about the night before in which she told me that she only wants to be friends and we will see where it goes from there. I of course, didn't want that so I refused and said it's either we're together or nothing, she had me drop her home and we didn't speak for a week.

    I rang her the following week, and we met up again. I picked her up from her Mothers supply shop and we got to speaking, she told me that she has been diagnosed by her doctor with Borderline Personality Disorder and that is the cause of such extreme highs and lows in her emotions. (She has led quite a difficult and emotionally abused life, which she had been in and out of a ward from the age of 15-16 due to severe depression) After our conversation had ended on that topic we began to speak about us, in which she told me that it's either we are friends or nothing and that I need to accept that we are never getting back together. I told her I couldn't be friends, and she told me to give it some time to think and that she will always respond once I know the answer.

    A week passed, and I rang her to ask if I could get my jackets back as it's coming to winter soon and she had taken them all from the winter before. She accepted and so I went over hers and we hung out for the afternoon, just to catch up on what each other have been up too. I discovered she made a couple of new friends through a game she plays and that some of them lived locally. I brushed it off as nothing and thought nothing more of it, and so I went home early because she had to be home for a skype call with the new friends she made. So off I went, I went home and later that night she was feeling ill and so she rang me to keep her company whilst she was sick.

    The following day came around and she messaged me saying that she had to go to her grandmothers but she was still feeling ill, and she didn't want to be there. So I went and picked her up from her grandmothers and was supposed to take her home, but instead spent all afternoon with her and went sight seeing but was cut short again because she had to take the skype call. I noticed this time around she was speaking a lot about one of her new friends she made on this game and told me that her, him and another person she plays the game with have all met.

    The following day, I got a call from her while I was at work we got too chatting she seemed rather distant and so I asked what was wrong and she told me that she was feeling a little moody because she doesn't have smokes. I offered but she turned me down, then she asked what I was having for dinner and I responded that I don't know and she told me that her mum wasn't making anything. I felt bad for her, so she insisted I come over (It used to be her way of letting me know she wanted to see me without her asking). So I finish work at about 6:00pm and head off to hers. I gave her smokes and then she told me she had to be at home by 8:30pm to take the skype call, it takes me an hour after work to even drive to her house. So I snapped a little, and abruptly said to her that isn't it kind of funny that you used to say I took up all your time in your life but now your life is devoted around a fucking skype call. (Excuse my language I am trying to be accurate) She didn't like how I handled the situation but yet she hung out with me for a further hour.

    The following day I heard nothing from her, until the night. We spoke through text and I told her about an issue I am having at home and so she offered that I live with her. I told her that it would be horrible idea but she insisted that she would tell her parents we are back together and that she would just set a mattress up in her bedroom and I could live there. I told her I would need time to think about it.

    The following day, she messaged me saying that she was meeting up with her new friends from the game and was wondering if I could pick her up after work. I agreed and so we hung out for most of the night, in which she told me that her new friend the one she speaks to all the time said that it would be a bad idea for me to move in with her and so she decided that her and I should get a place of our own together. Once again I said I needed time to think, and that I was unsure and that it would be quite awkward considering her and I aren't together anymore.

    The following day, I got a call from her once again at work. We were speaking a little through text because she wasn't feeling well before hand and said she was watching a movie. But rang me afterwards, at the end of the conversation she said that I sucked and that I should see her. I agreed again, and so off I went. We hung out most of the night and at some point during the night she got upset because the next day was the day something terrible happened to her. She began to cry and so I held her and comforted her until she stopped. I took her home, at about 12:00am and began heading home, once I was almost home I realized she had left her fathers only gate control in my car. So I rang her to let her know, she told me she needed it urgently and offered that I stayed at hers that night because it would be too long of a drive back home. I got there and gave her the gate control and so we went upstairs and watched a movie together, well really I watched the movie to myself because she was too busy on skype playing guess my house number with her new friend. Later on in the night, she told me that she had introduced him to her best friend and that she told him a secret which it wasn't a secret at all. But it was along the lines of she told him to keep my ex safe or she will cut his pickle off because she was leaving the state the next day. I got a bit jealous but didn't try to say anything about it, but I could just feel that something is going on between them two. So as we were about to go to bed, in the same bed mind you I told her that I felt uncomfortable and that I think I should go. She hesitated and insisted that I stayed she then wrapped my arms around her and we fell asleep together. The next morning I rolled over and she wrapped her arms around me, we got up half an hour later and I took her to see her best friend before she left the state.

    That was this morning, tonight she rang me up and asked what I was doing tomorrow and that I should see her tomorrow and have a look at a few places together. She also ordered that I stay for dinner, because she is cooking tomorrow night and she wants to cook for me. Obviously I agreed.

    SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
    I feel so damn low, and I have no idea where she is going with this. I feel as if though I am just her damned security blanket because I was there for her through it all, and I have always supported her and she has always depended on me for anything.

    I need a damn good perspective because I am at a loss here, and I do want her back but I feel that this guy is just sweeping right under the rug.


    If you read this far thanks for reading, it's really appreciated.

  2. #2
    Tyrone1991's Avatar
    Tyrone1991 is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    4 things could of happened in this situation.

    1. She met a guy and was looking for an excuse to break up. So she used the underwear (hence her irrational behavior) and that didn't work out so She is trying to get back with you now, cooking dinner etc.

    2. She wants to break up, but she so used to having you around that your first person she calls when she needs something. This habit/behaviour hasn't been broken yet.

    3. She realised she is an Idiot, Possibly trying to fix things.

    4. She realized she is an Idiot, but told everyone you cheated or found someone elses underwear and now is too embarrassed to write her wrongs so choosing to break it off because her pride is more important then you but she still wants you to be around.
    Men, we need to value our time more then we value women. This isn't to say women are not valuable. But who are we to believe in something so illogical, as men we should realize that without our time(life), we would not even be able to pursue women, but only our mother who gave us life. Why do we think we should prioritize them over our time(life) unless she is the one who gives me/my children life. Man is Sovereignty.

  3. #3
    MAATHEWW is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    Thanks Tyrone for the response, and I have a feeling that you are right with number two, but is there anyway to reverse that, or to help bring the relationship back? I hate the idea of her and I being friends, because frankly after spending a bit of time with her as a friend I can clearly see that I preferred when her and I were together just from the way she speaks and talks on certain subjects.

    I will give you a bit of an update so you can observe for yourself what is in fact happening and I will continue to do so when there is more to tell.

    So we spoke Friday night briefly over the phone, just planning Saturday together on a few rentals that we were going to have a look at. I woke up the next morning with four messages and a few missed phone calls from her, Her last text said "Fuck it, i'm busy. bye." I rang her and she told me she wasn't feeling too well before, but she should be alright by the time I get there. So I got ready and went to hers, she went to the bathroom and put on youtube whilst she was in the bathroom. she came back in, and jumped into my arm and laid next to me for a while before we left. She said she didn't feel up to it, but she felt like going for a drive and sight see for a little while. I agreed and we found this nice little bush trail not too far from her house that we had never noticed before. We walked through a bit of it as it was getting late and we needed to head back to hers for dinner. She was disappointed that we couldn't go through the whole thing together but she said next time we should get there earlier and see what it has to offer, I agreed. While we were driving home, she said to me that she wants to see me Sunday and we should go sight seeing again, I told her about a nice place closer to mine that we could go to and she loved the idea and offered that she stayed at mine tonight, I agreed again. We had dinner, she packed her bag and we left to go to mine. We got to mine, we played a board game together, watched A movie together and at about 1am she was feeling peckish so we went to grab something to eat and then went too bed, she began cuddling into me and said to me "I bet now you're glad that when I am single I cuddle into friends". That slightly frustrated me, but I didn't act on it and so we went too bed.

    Sunday rolled around, and we went to a national park together she told me she had to be home early because she had to be on skype. So off we went, we took a few photos, I would stop the car every once in a while so she could take photos of the mountains and the views etc. On the way back, she said we should do this again next Saturday and then told me about some festival as well on the Sunday that she was going to go with another friend but she left the state, so she asked me, I agreed. Afterwards she mentioned that we should catch a movie together, and I asked her what about the skype call she said to not worry about it she would rather go to the movies, so I agreed. But, about half an hour later she was having a cigarette while we were driving and she stopped and asked me "Do I pay for friends this much?" My response was that "I don't pay for friends at all". Then she just stopped, I asked her what was wrong and she said that she feels guilty as if though she is using me and she doesn't want to come across like that. I reinforced that I didn't mind paying for her, because yes I may still be attracted to her but I know that she has no other form of income and the only entertainment she has is on my money. She told me that I am selfless with my money but selfish emotionally. I asked why, and she told me that I would much rather her feel guilty that I am paying for her then to stop it. So we decided to not go to the movies, and that we would just get dinner together and still hang out past the time she was supposed to be on skype. Further along the drive, I asked her "What this is? And where is this heading too?". She told me that we are just friends nothing more, maybe we will get back together in a few years time after she has had a couple of relationships, but she also told me to not get my hopes up. I told her, that I still had feelings for her and obviously want something more than just friends. She shut down again, and told me straight out "No". I took her back home, she told me to message her when I got home, I told her I would. So I got home messaged her a few times then told her I had to go. Her and I haven't spoken since and it's been two days now.

    Where do I go from here, what steps could I take in order to draw her back in?

  4. #4
    lenric's Avatar
    lenric is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    Too long of a text, but from what I saw, those 2 days you were together you did everything she wanted. "I agree this, I agree that, I agree with me being your friend.".
    Do you want to fuck her? Because she had you on a leash and you smiled at that.

    She said you two should hang out on Sunday, you agreed (too much available for her, meaning that you didn't have anything better to do than being her taxi driver). Movies? You agreed. Oh I'm having pain with my period, now I don't want to go to the movies. Your reaction? No problem, let's do what you want.

    See what I'm saying? Firstly, you showed too available for her. Then, you did everything she wanted. No boundaries, just obeying. Furthermore, you payed everything she wanted? Really? Why the fuck? Is she your daughter?
    Brilliantly you asked her: "oh, what about now princess? What are we?", to which she retorted obviously that you're only friends. "Well, maybe in a couple of years, after I fuck tons of guys, I'll think about fucking you" -> translation: it's over.

    Right now you don't have what it takes to draw her back. She sees you as a girl with a dick. It's very hard to do anything to draw her back in, huge amount of effort and you don't have the mental capacity (because you're too attached) nor the skill to do what's required, so do something easier: fuck other girls and stop contacting her.

  5. #5
    MAATHEWW is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    Thanks for the response Lenric,

    I understand that I show too much availability too her, and I understand that I am presented to her as if though I am her toy. But that's the thing, whether I have the mentality or the skills required doesn't matter. Because those skills can be acquired, I want a method on what I can do that would flip the tables. Because frankly, I am sick of being presented like a toy boy and if there is a huge amount of effort and time doing that, then I would like to learn those.

    So please, if you can offer more advice on those lines then I would be more than happier to oblige can keep you all up to date on the progress.

  6. #6
    lenric's Avatar
    lenric is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    So, you'd rather waste a shitload of time and effort in pursuing a girl who doesn't want to fuck you, because you're her brother, instead of wasting a considerable less amount of effort on other girls? Ask yourself this question.

    You're not changing overnight, so you'll have to put an astounding amount of effort and time into a girl who doesn't want you anymore. Moreover, she'll get tired of you and reject you several times (because, like I said, you'll be learning, so you're going to make mistakes) until the point of telling you to go fuck yourself.

    By now you should have realized why I told you you're better off fucking other girls: you're too attached. You value yourself less than you value her. You're putting her on a pedestal, why would she want to fuck a guy who does that shit?

  7. #7
    MAATHEWW is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    I am well aware that it would be much easier to sleep with other girls, and I do agree that she wouldn't want to sleep with someone who has a pedestal for her. But I am determined to put in an astounding amount of effort and time into making it back with her, and in the process whether it fails or not is not an issue for me, I would rather take the journey to enlighten myself for future reference in these sorts of situations. That is my main goal because, I have grown tired of being a toy to women. You see, I have always been the guy with his nose in the books and haven't the faintest idea how to talk to women or handle these situations diligently in my favor. I want that changed, for better..

    So help me, achieve that.

  8. #8
    lenric's Avatar
    lenric is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    I am helping you. However, you can't always get what you want. Sometimes you can only get what you need.
    You have no idea of how to talk to women, so you want to focus on one woman. Does that shit make any sense to you mate? To me it doesn't.
    This is my third post in this thread containing little tips for you. However, you're so attached to this girl that you can't see anything past her, that why you failed until today and you'll fail miserably with her or any woman you come across with that kind of attitude.

    Just understand that you failed and you need to move on, because this deal with this girl is over. Period.

  9. #9
    MAATHEWW is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    I have been catching your tips throughout your posts, I just haven't been mentioning it in my posts but collecting them as reference points.

    Also you are exactly right, I shouldn't be focusing on one woman and I understand that I should be focusing on a multitude of women in order to learn how to speak to women, which I already have been doing on POF with little success.

    Apart from that, you're pretty damn right I have failed.

  10. #10
    lenric's Avatar
    lenric is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I Lost Her, But Want Her Back

    I'm not a big fan of meeting girls online. It's better to do it in person, because body language plays a very important role. It's really not what you say, but how you say it.

    I know it's easier to talk than to do, but you'll have to make an effort to overcome your fear of rejection. Rejection is a feeling, ergo it's in your mind. Don't fear it, because if you're rejected by a girl you don't know, who cares? You'll probably never see her again.
    Forget about elaborated openers, a simple hi does the job. It's really not about it, but the follow through and how you deliver it.


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