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Thread: A very complicated situation

  1. #1
    themallacht is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default A very complicated situation

    First off let me say a few things about myself. I'm 33 and I own two businesses: a medical marijuana delivery service and a rare/cactus and succulent website as well. I'm rather familiar with a lot of the PUA techniques and have watched many videos. My problem seems to be that I can't keep the girl. I recently had one of my longest relationships since my babies' (she's 7 now) Mom. This recent relationship lasted a solid 5 months but I kind of felt like I was fighting for her the last month or so.

    Her name is Kate, she's a nurse and comes from kind of wealthy family. Despite that she is very down to earth, kind, a good listener and an all-around amazing person to be around. She's 28 years old.

    In the beginning it was amazing. We pretty much started having sex without a condom right away. She would commonly say things to me during sex like "I love my baby so much, I love it when you cum inside me" etc. We talked about how our children would look, she even mentioned that if she did get pregant that she'd want to name it Tyler (my name) regardless of gender. She took me by this ritzy church that is part of her parents' exclusive country club and told me "This is where we're going to get married". It was very clear that both of us wanted a child. She even mentioned that she's not getting any younger and would love to have 2 kids.

    About a month ago she got pregnant and immediately started acting way differently, particularly after going on a hiatus from smoking weed; started acting more cold, distant, irritable. She pretty much freaked out and told me that she didn't want to have the baby. At first I was very upset about this but she told me right off the bat that she still wanted the relationship but just "wasn't ready" to have a kid yet. So I was supportive and went to the appointments with her and everything. During the Ultrasound they also found what they believe to be an endometrioma (basically like a big cyst, kind of, look it up if curious) and so there was a bit of speculation to it possibly being malignant cancer.

    A week ago she broke up with me. She said that she felt like I'm more in love with her than she is with me and that she just doesn't see a long term future with us. It was the most sudden change I've ever seen in a girl, ever. I've had lots of girlfriends in my 33 years, even dated in different states when I was in the Navy. I've never seen a girl make such a 180 so quickly. I don't know whether to say it's just the pregnancy hormones.

    I spoke to her just yesterday and she gave me an update on her recent Dr's visit. It turns out that her ovaries are going to be fine and so she has for sure decided to abort the baby. She said that she still loves me, still cares for me, but stood by her guns that she doesn't see a long term future with us. She definitely feels like time is running out for her even though she's only 28, I feel the same way sometimes.

    I really want this girl back. We connect on so many different levels, she's most definitely the most intelligent girl I've ever been with.

    I've read all of the guides that were recommended basically saying grow the fuck up, get over it, etc but this time I really don't want to. She even said to me at one point during the relationship that "no one has ever fought for me before" and mentioned that it would be nice. Her past boyfriends seem like total jerks. She refers to one of them as having Asbergers and another just kind of used her it seems like.

  2. #2
    alphabeta is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Hi themallacht

    From an outsider looking in, this may not be as Complicated as you may have thought.

    The reason being some people and that includes myself like to try and test people to destruction, as that is really the only way you know what someone is made of and whether or not they are going to stand by you through thick and thin and not fold up or flake out, when you need them most.

    I don't think She wants an abortion, I think She's Testing you to see what you're made of, as She doesn't want to take a chance with a guy She isn't sure of.

    (She sounds way too intelligent to allow that to happen)

    And when She talks about an abortion, the last thing that She really wants is a guy who lamely says 'ok then'

    Ideally She would love you to ride up on your 'White Charger' and Sweep her off her feet and let her know you unconditionally Love her and then make plans together for your future.

    She really wants you to fight for her and give her reassurance that you'll never let her down or leave her on her own.

    So the Balls in your Court to make that happen or not.

    Put yourself in her place, wouldn't you want the same.
    The Power in a Relationship always goes to the one who cares the least

  3. #3
    themallacht is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Hey alphabeta, thanks for the response. The only thing that makes me a bit skeptical of this is that I already went through teh ringer with her with all of this. I fought hard for this baby, I wanted it from the beginning. She went from firmly wanting the abortion in the beginning, to wanting to keep the baby once she found out that the pregancy essentially saved her.

    Her Doctor had noticed this bump in the past and she was supposed to have it checked out again in 2 years and she didn't. At the time of our appointment for the pregnancy it had been 3 years so the baby brought attention to all this potential cancer nastiness.

    She still has quite a bit of clothes and stuff here and doesn't seem in a hurry at all to get them, so I imagine that's a good sign too. I want to fight for her, she's all I want. But at the same time I'm kind of wary of it because she told me to "respect her decision" and all that, and I've already argued about this at length with her. I never just lamely said "ok then". I've always seen this baby as a miracle, as it truly is. The possibility of her even getting pregnant while having an endometrioma is almost zero, so the fact that she even got pregnant is sort of a miracle.

  4. #4
    alphabeta is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Hi The Mallach

    I wasn't meaning that you just said 'ok then' it's just that some lesser guy than yourself, might have done just that.

    It's a tricky situation for an unmarried girl to be in, so I think She needs reassurance that you are a 'stickaround stand up guy' who won't run off and leave her in the lurch.

    And so in order to find that out, I think She's going to Test you to the max and when you think about it, you couldn't really blame her for doing so in her situation.

    So in order to pass this test, so you both come out smiling on the other side, I would be as normal with her as possible, while at the same time being very supportive ( as I'm sure you are already being ) but knowing the past history of her potential illness, the poor girl must be feeling scared to death.

    Where in those situations normal behaviour goes out of the window and people say and do the strangest things that really don't have any kind of logical explanation.

    So in order to try and fight for her and eventually bring her round to your way of thinking, try and avoid any arguments at all cost.

    Just be supportive and very loving towards her and do stuff together, that will take her out of herself and make her laugh!

    Then hopefully the 'Penny will drop' and with any luck She may start thinking 'Do you know what' I'm changing my mind and think this guy is going to make a Wonder Husband and Father.

    As long as you've ticked every box that you can, then no matter what happens, you will know you've done all you can do.
    The Power in a Relationship always goes to the one who cares the least

  5. #5
    themallacht is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    The thing is though, is that she broke up with me so I don't really know how to go about trying to hang out with her again. It's been a week today with very little contact. She sent me a really long text updating me on everything, as she promised she would. And I called her and she picked up and we had a pretty good conversation. She mentioned that this new specialist she saw is pretty certain that at least one of her ovaries is going to be fine. I told her right off the bat "I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're healthy and that everything is turning out fine" and she said "Thank you so much Tyler, that really means a lot" and sounded very sincere.

    I know that she is off of work for one more day (today) before going back to her stressful 12 hr nursing shifts for 3-5 days straight or so, how would you recommend going about this? She already said that she would love to keep me in her life as friends and all that so I know she doesn't necessarily have a problem with me contacting her. I just worry that if I try to make plans to see her over the phone or something that she will tell me it's "too soon" or something. Some help on how to go about this?

  6. #6
    alphabeta is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Hi The Mallacht

    When a potentially serious illness develops in someones life, one of the things that sometimes happens is that they start feeling really sorry for themselves, don't feel that they deserve anything, don't want to be a burden to anyone and then go and (mentally) beat themselves up, in order to punish themselves.

    Which 'could' include her thinking that She doesn't deserve a reliable and stand up guy like you and broke up with you in order to punish herself and while I know that this sounds crazy, that kind of twisted logic is nowhere near as uncommon as you may think.

    And could even extend to her thinking that She doesn't even deserve to have a Baby or any other happiness in her life, including any happiness that you could bring to her door.

    Where the only way to get through it is to bury herself in her work by doing those Stressful 12hr shifts you mentioned, which could mean She has lost her sense of self worth.

    Maybe She cannot forgive herself for not going for that 'check up sooner' and wants to punish herself for not doing so.

    One thing on top of another can send a person into a downward spiral and if you want to help her, as I'm sure you do, then its really down to you to pull her out of it.

    So assuming you are up for this, once you start then you mustn't stop, even if it gets to the stage that you want to start tearing your hair out.

    She's not giving you a 'bitch test' She genuinely needs some help.

    So to start with try and enlist the help of one of the girls She works with and preferably someone who cannot keep a Secret!

    While I know this may sound 'corny' if you really want her back its one of the games you'll have to learn to play.

    Give this girl a Single Rose and tell her to give it to your girl, with instructions that she mustn't tell her who the rose is from.

    She will guess who it is from or wheedle it out of her friend.

    When She texts you about it, just say 'it wasn't me' and She will say something like 'Why don't I believe you'

    Then the following week a small cuddley toy, like you may give someone as a Valentines gift.

    Again give this to her talkative friend but this time 'Up the Anti' by telling her friend how much She means to you, again this will all get back to your girl and She will be teased about it by her workmates.

    Who is the mystery guy they will keep asking and all this attention heaped on her by her workmates, will have the effect of making her feel good, because ALL girls love attention.

    And She will be looking forward to what is coming next, where you could write 'I love you' on the Windscreen of her Car, with Washable Shoe Whitener, or something like that.

    Or even leave a note between the pages of her Clip Board.

    No doubt you have got the idea by now and so providing you keep it up She will eventually 'Crack' (but in a good way!)

    And then She'll be saying all sorts of stuff, like 'I know it was you'

    Which will be the perfect excuse to say you'll tell her who it was over dinner and try and make it Special by getting the Restaurant to present her with a Cake with 'I love you written on it' and with everbody looking on, this will make her feel Special, as 'Normal Guys' don't do that kind of Stuff.

    You've got to be so different that no other guy can measure up, though apart from that just be 'Normal' and take her out to places where you can have a bit of a laugh together.

    Taking out a Sailboat or a mystery trip somewhere.

    Once you have managed to make her Smile, then you are halfway there, as at least you have managed to pull her out of a nosedive to a very dark place.

    And then once She is back on an even keel, you could always ask her to get engaged.
    The Power in a Relationship always goes to the one who cares the least

  7. #7
    themallacht is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Alright so I sent her the flowers, with a note saying "I hope your day is as beautiful as you are" and signed "Your Secret Admirer" and she didn't respond, the entire next day. I don't technically know if she even got it or not, I just know she was supposed to be at work because I have her current schedule. Today I sent a bear with the note "Have a bear-y good day" and signed simply "Tyler". I know I'm not following the format perfectly here but unfortunately I don't know anyone else at her work. Her sister works with her but she works nights so she only really sees her in the morning I think. I messaged her sister a bit ago and asked her if Kate got the flowers, she hasn't responded yet

  8. #8
    alphabeta is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    Hi themallacht

    Give it time, maybe She didn't get the flowers yet but when someone suffers a serious illness or has a near miss, it can really pull them down and She could be worried about who would look after the Baby, if anything happened to her further down the line some years from now.

    Alot may depend on what kind of support network She has but at least She'll know you care and that counts for a lot.
    The Power in a Relationship always goes to the one who cares the least

  9. #9
    ccmetalhead is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: A very complicated situation

    hi themallacht.
    Seems like alphabeta has the best advice for you right now, but I wanted to chime in and wish you luck


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