I used to post here.

I used to have good game, be a player, sleep around. Reached the point where I felt like I could get anybody I wanted, which was great (that's the point where I switched to that pseudo; had a lot more posts to the previous one, which some people here might remember; doesn't matter much anyway). But it also left me feeling like I could never be satisfied. Like a long-term relationship would be impossible for me, I would get bored fast, and I would spend my life just doing hookups. Hence that profile picture.

Than I met that girl. She was just supposed to be a one-night stand, but the connection was real, intense. Suddenly no interest in other girls, at all. Just the idea of kissing another girl feels gross, like kissing a dude. Didn't think it was possible, unless I experienced it myself.

Fast-forward to 2 years and a half later. We moved to her native country (Japan). We're engaged. We're texting all day long. We lived together for a bit, until she started that new job: 4 months in-house training, living inside the company. Suddenly, no time to chat, no time to meet (they have curfew (Japanese companies are effed up)).

She's two months and a half in, and last night she said she wasn't sure. She doesn't want to live together anymore. She doesn't want to get married anymore. She wants to take a break, and focus on her job for now.

This... hurts.

I guess I kinda saw it coming, but I didn't think she would go all the way. I told her I was worried her job would change her and she would lose interest. I told her I was worried because when we met I was a player (I mean, I stole her from one of my roommates, and then slept with her two best friends while we were on a one day break; as I said, I was f*d up, and that was the only way I had of helping my poor self-esteem), and now that I was becoming a settled down good guy she would lose interest. I told her I was worried because all of my previous LTRs ended up after 2 years and a half with girls losing interest, and her job was coming at a terrible time. I figured talking about it would prevent it, guess it didn't work (quite the opposite). On the other hand I wasn't going to cheat on her just to keep her interested, or prevent her from taking the job, so not sure what I could have done.

I started acting angry and whiny, until I remember my PUA training: baaarely saved the situation and managed to take control, said it was ok, said a break was probably good for both of us. I set down some rules (no hooking up with other people (both of us), and we meet at least once before she leaves for her final work place (every previous issue has been settled as soon as we saw each other eye to eye, so it will be the final test). Warned her that it was awkward but a package was on its way already to her place (sent her her favorite chocolate a couple days ago as a surprise, to show some support for her work) and she could keep it, have a good night, turned off my phone and went to "sleep" (aka "6 hours of turning in bed wondering wtf I'm going to do with my life").

My Plan moving forward

Soooo I'm going full NC now I guess. This is weird considering it's the person I've been exchanging texts with every 10mn for the last two years and a half, and it's honestly painful. But luckily I have very good discipline and willpower - something that saved me soooo many times back in the day, and allowed me to get lays waaay better than I deserved, by keeping a strong as steel frame at all times. Like taking brutal shit tests from HB10s without flinching, or pushing that HB10 even though your whole body is screaming to pull. That small PUA voice at the back of my head, who keeps emotions in check, and whispers "it's ok man, believe in the game, believe in your experience; you want to do something else, but you know what you should do." She already texted me actually, asking what's in the box () but again, keeping my frame, not answering until tonight, and then just short sentences and no feelings or whining or whatever.

I read again some posts here, that also helped a lot. In the last 4-5 years, this community and this site helped me a lot, and I'm really grateful about that.

And to be honest, I'm considering it over. I know it's only a break, and I know her, it's not a lame-ass excuse to go see what's out there. I know she's working and studying every waking hour, and I know she really wants to focus on that. On the other hand, I don't believe in breaks. It's just a slow break-up. So I'm not hoping on getting her back (I mean, there is a tiny sliver of hope, but I'm trying not to listen to it). If I do, cool, but I'm already preparing for the break-up and for single life. Already packed all her stuff and hid it (to help with going NC), already accepted several party invitations I would have been too lazy to go to otherwise. I'm not planning on hooking up any time soon (I'm too rusty, and honestly sleeping with someone who's not her would probably be more depressing than anything else), hence the "no hooking up" rule. Instead, I'm taking this "break" as "2-4 weeks of training to go back into single life".

What I'm looking forward to

  • Getting a life back. If I'm honest, my life recently was almost only about us, and was kinda boring. Now that it's gone, I'll have to find again who I am.
  • I finally have a settled fulltime job, a good apartment, a long term visa, I make good money, and I had a stable relationship. After years of fighting every day, it felt honestly boring. At least now I get something to fix
  • I honestly love the game. I spent the last two years missing it - not sleeping with other girls, just the whole banter, the texting, the shit tests, the dates. The hunt, basically. Now I can enjoy it a bit more
  • Girls in Japan are seriously HOT. So many hot girls everywhere
  • Honestly, it was a great relationship. I was in love, something that I would have thought impossible a couple years ago. No matter what happens in the future, I can always be satisfied that I've been lucky enough to feel this in my life
  • It's not the first time it happens, and every time it did, it went the same way: I worked hard to improve myself to get the girl back. Became a better value person. Met someone new who was twice better than the ex. Felt a bit embarrassed for the ex when she tried to come back. So now that this girl was literally perfect (funny, smart, independant, super cute AND great body, loved sex more than me, same values), I'm kinda curious who will be next. If she's twice as good too... damn.

What I'm NOT looking forward to

  • Other people. I can get over the breakup, but the idea of having to tell my family, my friends, my roommates, coworkers, that my fiancée left is just crushing. And then having to introduce a future new one to everybody (especially the family) is fucked up.
  • It was a very intense and fusional relationship, with a lot of sex. So I'm worried about how long it will take to hug/kiss/sex another girl without having flashbacks of her
  • It took 10 years of sleeping around to find a girl as good as her. Not looking forward to 10 more years. I'm just tired of that shit.
  • On that note, I'm already 32yo. Considering the time to find a new relationships, go through a couple relationships that don't work, then start to settle, get engaged, married, etc., I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever manage to have kids some day. That's honestly the most depressive point, since it my one last objective in life.
  • Proposing again. I did the perfect proposal. Got the perfect ring, the perfect place, made the perfect plan, the perfect surprise. It was exactly like I wanted it to be, was wonderful. Now, if I have to propose again, either I do the same thing again, which would feel terrible, or I have to do something subpar, which isn't much better. Going back to the jewelry shop again and asking for "another engagement ring please!" is as sad as it is funny.
  • No offense, but most Japanese girls are dumb as posts. They've been taught since childhood that being smart was bad, that going to a good university meant you couldn't get married, etc. A lot of Japanese guys also shun girls who are too well educated or too smart, which doesn't help. As a result, finding a cute girl is easy, but a cute girl who can have a conversation... really tough.
  • Also, meeting new people in Japan is incredibly difficult, as there are a lot of social barriers. And since like in most countries people hang out mostly with their network from their university years (something I don't have here), it's going to be tough. Not impossible, but tough.

Anyway, not sure why I posted here. I really needed to get it off my chest, and people here have always been supportive, which I needed right now. Also it helps a lot preventing those human but beta urges such as passive-agressive posting on Facebook, drunk texting her, and whining to our mutual friends.

If anybody took the time to read all this, thanks a lot, and have a great day m(_ _)m