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  1. #1
    canadiandave23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

    So my ex broke up with me 8 months ago after a 3 year relationship. Haven’t talked to each other at all during this period but I sent her a looooong message telling her how much she meant to be and essentially saying I wanted to get back together and was still hurting a lot. I also asked whether she would want to spend Valentine’s Day with me. We live very close by and it would be very easy to do this and just see each other at any time but we haven’t since we have been broken up.

    My feelings are that she lost attraction to me from me feeling insecure and needy and acting that way towards her over 6 months or so. She does love me and care for me but think she fell out of love with me and realized she doesn’t need me. There are underlying problems as well with communication (she feels she can’t talk to me about important things) but think mainly she just lost her attraction to me.

    She replied and said she that she doesn’t feel the same way about me and that she fell out of love with me a long time ago. She admitted things that she had done/couldn’t get over and told me things that she felt in particular had made her make up her mind about breaking up. She says I need to let go and that 8 months down the line she knows she made the right decision. No mention of my offer to spend Valentine’s Day together but she said that when I’m ready and over her or if I want to then maybe we could talk on the phone or in person to try and help me with my emotions. She also mentioned she is still single and is not currently seeing anyone but says she said this just to ease my pain. I am pretty sure she is telling the truth and although may have kissed and slept with other people, don’t think she does have any strong feelings for any other guy at the moment. Bad thing about this is it seems to be mean she really IS over me and is not just using some guy as a rebound to go off. She really doesn’t want to be with me despite being single and probably occasionally missing me and her in a relationship doing couple stuff.

    My question is if I do want to attempt to get back with her, what should I do? Or what are people’s advice on here in general?
    We had a lot of love for each other over the course of our relationship but she says she is over me and doesn’t think about me or think about a relationship or future with me. Very painful to hear that to say the least. I know we are a great couple though but things just became very unbalanced towards the end. Any advice anyone? I want to win back her attraction but am not sure how. We have had a lot of no contact now but I broke it admittedly and seems the power is still with her. She is not asking to see me – just saying she will be there or will talk on the phone if I need to.

    Should I call her and talk on the phone and apologize about some of the things I didn’t realize I’d done wrong? And then arrange to meet? Should I still ask if she wants to spend Valentine’s Day together but just keep it very low key and friendly? Or should I meet up with her? Or should I just send her a reply saying I’m sorry for things I’ve done and that I need time and then contact her later when I feel better. My only fear is that she WILL find someone else and start dating and then I am even further away from any kind of future with her. This is the first real contact we have had in 8 months and could arrange to meet up and try and act myself and not act needy and insecure and just have fun. But at the moment she is not saying we should meet up to act friendly and have fun – she has only mentioned to meet up to help me talk things through if necessary.
    Does anyone think there is any hope or chance of getting back together? I love her and care about her a lot and can’t imagine a life without her. Has been very hard over the last 8 months without her but seems she has coped a lot better and is very fine and happier maybe ever without me. Any advice on where to go from here?

    Essentially don’t know whether to go no contact again. If so how long? Or to start texting casually (though this may seem weird as no texts have been sent over the last 8 months). Or whether to meet up.

    Do I need to convince her that I have moved on (is this the point I should tell her the breakup was for the best) before she can be attracted to me again? If so should I wait a while before asking to meet up and hang out as friends? If so, how long roughly? Would appreciate it any advice and replies. Am very hurt at the moment. Would appreciate any replies quickly as if anyone thinks I should ask again to spend Valentine’s Day with her then not much time....

  2. #2
    No Touch is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

    Why did you break up in the first place?
    What made her attracted to you?
    Try and become friends again first.
    Also try and evoke the feelings she had when you two were first going out.

    NT

  3. #3
    canadiandave23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

    I know what made her attracted to me - my confidence and humour etc. I think I'm still that guy. I think she broke up with me due to lack of attraction mostly as I was very needy and insecure for the last year or so.

    However one thing is I wrote this letter recently. I'm thinking I can't just suddenly say I want to hang out and then be friends and be my cocky confident self and tease her etc to try and attract her to me. Part of me thinks this is too soon and she will see through it. Do any of you agree?

    If so how long do you think is a reasonable realistic amount of time to get back in touch and try and be cool, confident and funny with her. I should be honest the email I wrote was very strong and told her I was absolutely distraught etc.

  4. #4
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    The Red Baron is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

    Classic one-itis.... You gotta get out in the field and yield yourself to seeing other girls. It will give you some clarity

    I know it's rough man, but it's the only way.

    Regardless, once you start seeing other people your confidence will return, and I'd you're still set on pursuing her the path will be much clearer, but until you do there's no way to win her back outright
    Never need praise, sympathy, or approval



  5. #5
    canadiandave23 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help - ask out for valentines day? What is the best option here?

    I think I expected her by this time for her to have come back to me. Instead she says 8 months down the line she knows you didnt make a mistake splitting up with me.

    It pains me to admit it but I know that you are right and the email was a mistake. It makes me look even more needy and yes I think she only feels pity for me at the moment. I think looking at her facebook and things and remembering her a lot made me contact her. In particular I saw pics of her with what I think is her new boyfriend and I thought I didn't want to lose her and was/have. Guess I lost her a long time ago though when she originally decided to split with me. Another reason I wrote the email is that even though I didn't expect it to make her come back I thought there was a lot of honest stuff in there and very loving memories etc so thought she may look back on it in the future and remember how much i care(d) which might make her want to give me a call if it looks like I may have moved on a bit.

    About writing another email. Part of me thinks not to. But part of me thinks to write her an email going through and explaining some of the issues she says she had with me to explain myself a bit and so she may look back on the 2nd email at a later date and think that the supposed issues about lack of communication and sex issues etc are resolvable at a future date and make her more likely to get in touch. Thoughts? At the moment if I don't email back the last email she will have is this incredibly long, heartbroken, one admitting to crying most nights for the last 8 months etc. Should I just not contact her at all or send another more mature and maybe more manly email? I guess I want her last communication with her to be something she admires and will look at at some distant point in the future with me and think "I really gave up someone who had a lot of love for me and appreciated me" and want to reconnect and hang out again. What do people think? And what is the best kind of email/letter to make an ex come back at a later date?

    She also said she wouldn't mind meeting up but I get the feeling this is mostly out of pity. Should I just say I'm not ready to meet up if she wants to or calls and just ignore her. I have her on facebook too and originally removed her, but added her back 6 months after split thinking things would be ok. But guess this is where this started from.


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