Hi everyone, as the title says - Here's a summary
I was in a relationship for 18 months with a girl who was physically and sexually the best partner I've had. We had lots in common on got on well. The problem was that she had a lot of childhood trauma and because of this she's quite insecure and afraid of commitment... I was her first love. Before me she'd end relationships if she thought she was getting feelings for people. We did have a few hitches throughout the relationship. I always gave her space and acted sensibly and we'd sort things out.
Things progressed to the point of us discussing moving in but I never pushed the issue although did acknowledge what she hoped for.
For several months before we broke up we started to bicker more and she used to blame herself and started saying I deserved better and that she was a sh1t girlfriend and that she’d proved she’s rubbish at relationships. She also thinks I want to do the whole 2.4 children thing and settle down. I am honestly easy about it, I've been married before. Now I'd just rather take the companionship and be with someone I love and who loves me back, I’m not in search of settling down.
Anyway, I acted like a complete and total AFC of the worst kind. I just couldn't allow distance between us. She said she'd have pangs of wanting me back and would be almost picking up the phone but would then stop herself. She still loves me and she misses me but she just keeps saying she can’t get over this issue in her head and come back to me.
I've sent her letters, texts and called her explaining my feelings and she's never rejected it, she's always said she loves the nice words and that it means a lot.
Last week she sent me a letter saying that although she loved me, she needed to move on as she couldn't get over these issues in her head. I replied by asking if by needing to move she meant sleeping with other People. I have a huge problem with this, it hurts so bad and I graphically imagine her doing the things she did with me with some other guy and it tears me apart. She got really upset with what I said and was offended.
The next day I checked the dating site we met on and she was on there. I texted her and she got really upset, said it was nothing and that she had been trying to prove to herself what a fool she'd been, that she hoped that if she saw other guys being jerks it would make her realise she'd made a big mistake.
By this point I was totally insecure and did the worst thing ever... I hacked into her mail account. I found that she had been sending messages to guys introducing herself. Nothing more than that but it hurt as I could see she'd been doing this why telling me she was confused about us. To her credit I did find a message from about 3 weeks prior explaining to one guy who wanted to meet her exactly her reason for being on there, which was the same as she told me.
Where it came to head was that I called her up (for a begging call) and asked her if she had approached anyone on the site, I asked her 3 times and she said no. That night I went on the site and made a profile and she went mental. She said she was hurt and we had a really nasty argument over email and said some really hurtful things. I admitted to hacking her account and accused her of not wanting me and not wanting anyone else to have me. She replied admitting to messaging other guys but said she'd never met anyone and had no intention to. She also admitted she wanted no one else to have me.
Yesterday she sent an email asking to meet somewhere mutual so that I can collect the rest of my things off her, she said she wanted us "not to contact each other and see what happens". She also said "as hard as it will be we need to forget to each other". To me this is the proper end but I want her back so bad. I've farked up, I've been clingy and I blew it. I've looked at get your ex back guides but I think we're past the stage of giving her 4 weeks without contact?? I sent her an email yesterday saying "I agree, this is so hard but I understand"
Today she text "Hope you're ok, didn’t mean to upset u anymore yesterday" I replied "Yeah I'm ok hun. Hope you are too x" she replied "cool yeah alright ta x"
I am not texting her unless in reply to her but I think this is too late.
I'm going to have one last meeting to collect my things and with the place she's suggested it gives us an opportunity to walk her dog (if she brings it) and go for a coffee at a cafe
Is there any chance? She still loves me and she's hurt by what I did and said in the argument and I'm also hurt to. We do both still love each other.... Opinions and help is really appreciated.