Pro-Active vs. Reactive

I'm new to the forum and am excited to have found it! But I do have a question.

I'm a divorced father of a four year-old girl and consider myself to be an alpha male. I usually have good luck scoring hotties that are a 7-9, and the occasional 10 when I've got my wing man. However, I have a on/off relationship of almost two years with a girl I was engaged to. I usually land hotter chicks than her but something mysterious about her keeps me coming back to her for the occasional hook-up whenever she calls (not to mention the sex is incredible). I still care a great deal about her and she knows it. Hence, making my 'alpha male' posture not so alpha when it comes to her. Just the opposite of what I want. I know she's seeing other people but she's adamant she's not trying to play me and still loves me and tells me "I am her soulmate". I don't even ask -- I obviously don't want her to know I still care so much b/c she cheated on me last year that's why we are no longer engaged.

This past Monday, she asked me to meet her after work. I agreed. Then a later text came that said, "I probably have to take my son to cub scouts tonight. His father is working late and cannot take him. I will let you know in an hour." About two hours later she texted me, "Gotta take him. Do you want me to text you when I get home? I AM SO SORRY!!!" My reply was, " Sure. Don't sweat it. Your son is much more important." This was at 6pm. Cub Scouts started at 7pm.

So, I found my ass sitting at home watching Monday Night Football waiting for her text. I usually have great self-control and discernment but at 10:15pm when no text arrived I got more suspicious. I drove to her house and sitting in her driveway was a red pickup with her and some dude in it. I wish I could say that I was "pro-active" instead of "reactive" but I wasn't. I walked to her side of the truck and she and the dude looked straight ahead for about a minute never acknowledging me. Finally, she looked my way and I commented, "Soooo, Cub Scout Den meetings last a lot later than they did when I was a kid...AND, they have a shuttle service these days too, unh? Impressive!" After that, I threatened to kick the guys ass, called her a lying piece of s*#t who's only good attribute is her willingness to f@*k, etc., etc...." (The pansy ass just sat in his truck, btw.)

I left kicking myself in the ass for not having the self control to maintain Alpha Male status. Today is Friday and I have not contacted her nor heard from her -- until 10 minutes ago, that is. She just sent me a text that says, "U think u know but you have no idea"...

TWO QUESTIONS:
#1-What should I really have done after confronting her with the lie and with the guy?
#2-What should I do now? Should I respond? If so, how? I do care about her but I want her to BEG to see me again.

Thanks in advance. I hope to hear a reply soon.

JStout - first off welcome man.

I understand where you are coming from, and even why you did EVERYTHING you did. Been there. Done that.

Let's talk about what you should have done and what you should do moving forward.

Ready for some tough love?

1. This girl is not someone you should consider for more than just a good time and someone to hang with. She seems cool and good to fool around with. Keep that in mind, but she is not a 'keeper'. She cheated on you while engaged. That is NOT something you can ever forgive her for.

2. You both are seeing other people, so you have no business busting in on her date. I don't care what she told you about boy scouts or whatever. She did that so she wouldn't feel guilty. Next time she has ANY excuse just say - "cool baby, let's meet up another night" and instead of sitting on the couch by yourself invite your buddies over, or another hottie or both.

3. This girl is a great 'backup' plan for when you have no other girls, but she is not the one, and you certainly should not be breaking plans or waiting around for her.. in fact you should be the one breaking plans or flaking on her. Do that and she will want you so bad... but the key is to keep it up. When you have nothing else going on, or need a booty call she is the one who is YOUR backup plan.

4. Lastly. Don't ever threaten to beat up some guy just cause he is going after some ass. That is pretty uncool and frankly un-alpha of you to do. You should NOT have driven over to her house - promise yourself you will never do that again.

5. If you happen to see her out with another guy, be as polite and cordial as possible. Smile and shake his hand, don't act like some tough guy. THAT is what a true alpha male would do.

LASTLY. What should you do now?

Text her - "I don't hang out with liars"

Then ignore her next 3-4 texts. Maybe a week from now, AFTER she texts you apologizing (which she will for sure) - then reply with something like: "I am watching the game, you can come over but bring over a six pack of beer".

When she gets there. Crack a beer and sit her down, look at her and say "I don't put up with liars. Regardless of whether it is a woman, my buddies or whoever. Do it again and we are done forever... Got it?"

Then after the game, bang the living daylights out of her.

Go out and find a few high quality women to spend your time with, in addition to this one when your other women are not available.

~Bill

Tough love never felt so good. I knew I blew it by riding over there but really blew it when her Beau told me to shut my Fu*#ing mouth. However, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I love exhortation when needed.

I understand that staying in control means crucifying your emotions and remaining pro-active. It has been over 24 hrs. now and I haven't texted her back or heard from her. As soon as I do, as I am sure I will, I will respond as you have noted.

Thank you for the personal commentary as I get my head back on straight and my game on!

JStout

No problem. I know how sometimes us guys let our attraction for one girl (flaws and all) blind our judgment, but we need to remember there are MANY girls out there who are worthy of our affection. I've always had the most success when dating multiple girls in parallel.

JStout, I hope you don't have the "Proactive vs Reactive" thing trademarked, otherwise I plan to start infringing on it in the very near future. I really like that concept.

Gunsnglory, it should be a way of life in every arena. I'm just not as consistent with being "Pro-Active" when my heart is involved but am glad I'm not alone at blowing it! As an "Alpha Male" there is obviously no room to compromise or you lose. If you're like me, being "Reactive" is not an option if we wish to be at the top of our game!

In fairness to your newness on this forum, I think you will learn that I do live my life that way, however, I just had never heard is termed like that before, and I like it.

Gunsnglory,

You misunderstood me. That response wasn't directed towards you, Stud. Hell, I don't even know you -- LOL! In agreement with you, I was just saying in general that that should be a Mindset that's used in EVERYTHING...talking at myself not to anyone in particular. Women are where I need the most consistency applied when my heart's involved. That's why I'm HERE! It seems to be much easier for me to strive for excellence in business, athletics, parenting, etc. than it is when I care about someone that I can't seem to let go of. Again, that's why I am here dude -- to learn from the best -- guys like you!

Thanks again bro. And again, my apologies for not being more specific in my verbage!

JStout

No problem man. I misunderstood. Props for your open and honest posts.

****UPDATE!!!!!****

Bill,

Just heard back from "her". I never responded to her message from Friday noted in the initial posting but she hit me up via text today as follows:

At 1:30pm she wrote: "I'm sorry for being a regret in your life...I will never find happiness."
At 1:36pm she wrote: "Love you forever..."

At 4:30pm I TEXTED her back: "No regrets here just lessons learned"

At 4:36pm she wrote: "Let me know how you're doing sometime...I miss that smile of yours"
At 4:40pm she wrote: "Well, if you ever want to make love let me know...I will never be able to experience that with anyone else"

At 4:42pm I TEXTED her back: "Sorry I don't hang out with liars"

Then she immediately texted me back: "Ok cool but I never lied. Have a good life"

So, did I do the right thing or did I shoot myself in the foot for confronting her on the lying issue that is now a week old? As you can tell, she's trying to be the "Alpha" player in this dialog. I gave her that control by bowing down to her beckon call. I just don't want to mess up my options for the future...she is a good lay and I do really care about the bitch!