I have so much to share, but I can't right now. Not yet. All the good that happened tonight is being overshadowed by this problem. This problem that I've been blaming on so many other things than the truth, but I can't push it aside anymore. Here we go:
I'm neurotic. Always have been. I've struggled with chemical imbalances throughout most of my life, diagnosis after diagnosis until I really didn't care anymore. I'm not sure what's on the most recent papers, nor do I want to. Let me tell you how I see it:
I have clinical depression. I also have clinical OCD. I've been on more drugs than the average Joe can name, but it doesn't bother me. I have always viewed the side effects as a minor annoyance; something I would have to put up with if I ever wanted to be happy. Dizziness and lightheadedness doesn't bother me. Frequent fainting doesn't bother me either. The libido is starting to take a toll.
I used to tell myself (and even the girl) that I'm just not that into her. That worked for what's nearing a year now, but I can't lie to myself any longer. I was with a 10 tonight and couldn't get it up.
God, I really hate myself right now.