I don't know what's bringing this on all of a sudden, but I'm feeling a bit existential tonight and I've been walking around talking to myself for the past 15 minutes. Just talking to myself. For whatever reason I got the urge to post this out there, it always helps me to write out my thoughts. I don't care if anyone posts on this thread, I don't even care if anyone reads it. It's just something I had to get out there cause if it stays pent up in my head it's useless.
It all boils down to this. I don't know why I'm alive right now. I've been diving into this PU stuff basically head first for the past month, reading what I can and practicing when I get the chance, which isn't often due to the fact that I'm out in the boonies for the summer. I don't know why. I've got the motivation for it, or at least I used to, but I've never been able to put my finger on what that motivation is. For most of my life, ever since I can remember whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I'd answer something cool like firefighter or spy or archaeologist, something exciting. I finally settled on Journalist early in my freshman year of college. The idea of working in an office doing a 9-5 is complete anathema to me. It seems like I've got a different view of life than everyone else. Too me it's not your synapses or heart palpitations tell if your alive, it's your adrenaline, your heart beating out of your chest, it's dopamine and testosterone and that sheer feeling of feeling like you still have something to live for. The world is a massive place, and it has so much to offer. I've always wondered how people can sit back and take in only a small fraction of it. So I suppose the ultimate goal in my life is to live, to have fun and enjoy myself and the people I'm with. When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I want it to take weeks. I could die at 35 with I smile on my face as long as I feel like I've lived as much as most people do when they're 90.
So I know that to me, the goal of life is to enjoy being alive. But that brings on a whole new set of issues. I feel like lately I've been worried about whether or not what I'm doing is actually going to work out, if I'm going to look back on this with a smile on my face or a sense of regret. There's that word...regret. Possibly the worst word in the english language. Regret. The idea that I've wasted a part of my life that I can't get back. I can feel sorry for something, I can feel guilty for mistakes I've made. But as long as I learn from them, I can never regret them because they made me the man I am now. I know it's a lot to ask, but I want to live a life with no regrets. And I'm not off to the best start. I've made a lot of mistakes that I'm still dealing with, and I honestly can't say that if I could go back and undo them that I wouldn't. I just want to know if what I'm doing now is going to let me enjoy life, and I can't know that.
Tonight I read the last chapter of The Game. I'd read almost all of it then left it to get started on some other reading. I finally read it. The part where he leaves "the community". And it made me wonder, is this something I want to get involved with? Is it really going to be as enjoyable as I picture it, or am I just going to get bit in the ass and wind up with another regret? Is it really pickup I'm wanting to learn, or is it just talking to people in general? Do I want to have hookups and one night stands and make out with girls I'll never see again? I can't tell anymore. If you had asked me a few months ago there wouldn't have been a doubt in my mind. I would have thought that sounded awesome. That was back when they were just ideas, fantasies that I and every other college guy has. So I started learning pickup. And I read the material, learned the basics, adopted the attitude. I was really into it. The something happened that I wasn't expecting. I was good. I didn't realize this till tonight, but I wasn't ever expecting to be good. I expected to be ok, maybe get me on the same level as everyone else in my life that for some reason I felt slightly inferior to. But that didn't happen. Somewhere along the line, without much practice or anything but reading, things seeped in. I just started acting, working off what came naturally and unconsciously incorporating what I'd read into day to day activities. And I started to see a change. I guess I felt it more than saw it. Even my coworkers, upstanding Christian kids looking to be teachers or pastors or missionaries, started treating me with a little more respect. I don't know if it's cause I was acting edgy or because I had honestly stopped caring if anyone thought I was edgy, but I got more...I don't know...respect. I flirt with almost everyone now, even customers. Teasing's turning into something that's almost second nature (although it's not there yet). I strike up conversations and do my best to have a positive, confident attitude, and it feels like people are reacting to it. I'm biased, so I can't say for sure, it's just how it feels to me. But all this has me a little spooked tonight for some reason. For the first time, I'm worried I might end up not liking the person I'm turning into. And given my past, the idea of not liking who I am AGAIN is a terrifying thought.