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  1. #1
    jersie is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Close = Commitment?

    Looking for advice…

    I've got a Mindset challenge. I feel that if I sleep with a woman, I've made some kind of commitment or obligation. Dunno where this comes from, but it's the programming in my head. I find it hard to believe a woman will sleep with me without expecting commitment – that if I get her into bed, I have to go into boyfriend mode. The whole sex without commitment thing does not come easily for me.

    I don't get how to be a sex partner only as opposed to a nice guy. I get attached easily. So I also have a tremendous fear of being trapped in a relationship that I don't want, and get freaked out by intimacy as it feels like a potential trap. This is leading, unfortunately, to avoidance of nice experiences and opportunities because I'm afraid I won't be able to extricate myself once I've been intimate.

    Any suggestions/resources on how to unpack this mindset? Anyone else dealt with these issues successfully?

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Close = Commitment?

    I know exactly how you feel. I never saw myself as the type of guy to have casual sex with someone. I did feel that if I slept with them then I owed it to them, and maybe myself, to try out a relationship. It's not easy to transition, but it's possible.

    The way I did it was to have standards. Whether it be a character trait or a physical trait. One of mine was that I didn't want a relationship with a woman who already had kids. Nothing against them, I just felt (and feel) like I deserve a chance like anyone else to start my own family. So the first woman I met after an ex-gf, had a child. So I instantly crossed her off the list, but I also understood that I needed experience and that I am a man with needs. So we eventually slept together and she tried to get into a relationship. This was tough since I believed that telling her from the start that I didn't want anything serious would help, but she thought she could change my mind. It got bad, but then got better. 90% of the time they get over it and move on. Even find someone that IS willing to be with them.

    Summary: 1. So have standards and stick them. That they shouldn't take it personally if they don't meet them. It's just you wanting what you want out of a relationship and no one should be upset with you for that.

    2. Be honest, but not brutally honest. You want to get laid, not become a douche.

    3. Understand that you are man with needs, so casual sex is normal for you. That you require MORE than just sex to qualify her as relationship material.

    Hope this helps and good luck.

  3. #3
    Starno is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Close = Commitment?

    Hi jersie,

    I've dealt with this situation "afraid of the potential trap" in the past months. Had just got out of a relationship and realized I could count on my fingers the amount of times I had sex outside of the "boyfriend mode". So since then I went for a plain simple strategy: make sure she's not thinking it means more than it does to me! I prefer taking the risk of making it clear than looking like a jerk to her the next morning lol

    For the Mindset matter, I agree with BatMan, standards seem to be the way to go.

  4. #4
    jersie is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Close = Commitment?

    Thanks, BatMan and Starno. Appreciated.

    Have you guys seen any resources / materials where this issue is addressed?


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