I feel like having a lot to say, so I'm writing this journal, though it's mostly mumbling.

Last Night
She was coming directly towards me, just as I looked up and saw her face I felt like I'm lost in a deep forest, I gazed into her eyes and it was like diving into that pure blue lake at the core of the forest which I always dream of. But I suddenly realized that I'm a pickup artist and there is no time for this poetic nonsense. What I was seeing now was a Prefect 10 waiting in taxi line and I did the proper move: moved out of the line and stood right behind him.
As I was scanning through the openers in my head, my aa was building higher and higher until it reached the boiling point, even though I now knew exactly what to say and had arranged a complete game plan from opening to the close in my head, I didn't have the gut to approach, I started to repeat some affirmations in my head to get myself psyched up, thing like: It's always wrong not to approach!, You are always rejected by the girls who you don't approach and many more But the AFC inside of me was coming up with excuses like: it's not a proper place to game her, everyone will hear you!, she is so beautiful how do dare to think you can handle such beauty, etc., (an ounce of emotion ousts a pound of logic) all these combined with the terrible sarges I had in two last nights had damaged my self esteem to the point which I couldn't approach in this perfect opportunity, so I finally said to myself: fark it! I will talk to her when sitting.
Then arrived the van, it has exactly 10 seats, and I was the 10th person in the line, god I was lucky! I sat exactly next to her. As she sat she put on her headphones and started to listen to some sh1ty music. It was relieving for me because It gave the AFC a good excuse to shut me down and wait to talk to her when we are out again. I was thinking and polishing openers and routines in my head that suddenly she asked the driver to pull over, she had arrived her destination but It was long before mine. I could exit to chase her but it would blow my intention to all people in the van… I again hesitated with a lame excuse and watched her go…
That was painful. It was far worse than rejection from women; I was ashamed of myself and the dear alpha I was growing inside in the past 6 months. I felt like all the time and energy I put into learning and practicing for this very moment is wasted.
I couldn't just go home sleep after that disaster, so I went to a park which used to be a target rich place, but damn it was like a dead city! So dead that the Ferris wheel there was rotating with only a couple on it, but a cute ticket seller caught my eyes and I approached. I didn't need any opener she was alone and receptive, so I said hi and started talking about that place and got his number, she wasn't radiating with IOIs during my game, I wasn't in good mood either, but that was relieving.

My Conclusion
It was my last night's story, it made me believe that I still need a lot of improvement; I need the power to handle such instant crushes. But first I need to recover my abundance and in order to get there I have to start with targets that are below my standards then get better ones.

My Commitment
In order to become a master at this I made a Commitment to myself to go out sarging at least 2 days a week for the next 6 months. I will post more Field reports to get more feedback on myself, for analysis I will record my voice in approaches too. I don't have any wings, I don't have any friend which is good at the approach so I'll be sarging alone. it's tough but I need to get used to it. who knows? Maybe someday I teach game to my friends (since they saw my success some of them have asked me for that!)
A big Part of my self esteem feeds from my success in things other than women like my career and hobbies, I need to push through in those areas as well.

David DeAngelo says a man needs nothing external to be happy, I need to find the road to get there.