Hey Guys, this is Gradius, and I’m going to tell you about a crazy experiment I did two months ago.
Anybody ever watch Seinfeld? I absolutely loved that show because it discussed the kinds of things people would never talk about with their friends, but always thought about. Some say it was a show about nothing, but in reality, it was a show about anything and everything.
My favorite episode is when my favorite character, the lovable loser, George Costanza, decides to do the opposite of every instinct he’s ever had. He sees a woman who noticed him in their usual coffee shop, and he approaches her. Normally he would never do this, but he’s doing the opposite of what his instincts tell him.
George says to her, “My name is George. I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.”
She smiles at him, and answers, “I’m Victoria, hi.” And they end up dating.
But would this work in the real world?
I decided to begin an investigation into the Great George Costanza Myth!
The George Costanza myth goes, if you approach a woman with total confidence, honesty, and boldness, you can tell her that you’re short, fat, balding, unemployed, live with your parents, and if you invite her out for coffee, most of the time, she’ll go out with you.
There are a lot of guys out there, especially newbies, who think they have to have tons of money, rule the world, and look like Brad Pitt to get the girl. I used to think this way too. But through my investigation I learned that this is the real myth.
Well… I don’t just tell the myth; I put it to the test.
I got out there and I approached exactly 100 women. Yeah, you read that right; 100 women mostly around Los Angeles and Orange County. First, I asked them to imagine two constants. One, they are single. Two, they’re in a situation where having a random conversation with a stranger is a normal thing. I say this to Disarm them with a little humor. Then I say, “Imagine you are single. A guy walks up to you, and says, with absolute confidence and no fear, ‘Hi, I’m George. I’m short, fat, balding, unemployed, and I live with my parents. You want to get a cup of coffee together right now?’ And remember, you’re single.” (They’d always forget that last part).
I took down their yes or no, and most importantly, I found out why.
So far, many people have disputed the results. They said that the women are lying, or the test was flawed, or they wanted to be nice, or some other excuse so that their paradigm of reality isn’t chucked out the window. I think the results are valid, as well as surprising and utterly astounding, so I won’t argue them. You’ll just have to decide to accept what I have to say, or not. It’s up to you.
Out of 100 women, 37 said they would have coffee with a guy who used this opener. Not bad, huh? If this was baseball, you’d be batting 370, and faster than you can say home run, you’re in the Hall of Fame. What threw me for a loop was the reason why they said yes. Do you think it was confidence?
Nope. That wasn’t it.
Having confidence was the number two factor. So what was the number one factor?
She’s open minded.
Yeah, she’s just an open-minded person who’s willing to give a guy a chance. It was the most consistent reason; 15 out of 37. Confidence was number two (8 out of 37) boldness was number three (5 out of 37) and honesty was fourth.
But what about the no’s? After all, 63 women said no. What do you think was the main reason? Do you think it was being short, fat, bald, unemployed and living with parents?
Wrong again. So what was the main reason for no?
Out of 63 women who said no, 39% of them refused because of their own fears. They said that they wouldn’t go out with a random stranger, or they don’t trust strangers, or they wouldn’t talk to strangers, or they’re just plain afraid. All of these translate into fear.
28% of them said no because they didn’t like the features of George Costanza, and only TWO of them rejected him for his looks (well, actually, these two women said that they didn’t like all three aspects equally)!
The rest of the no’s said that it sounded like low self esteem or derogatory or they didn’t like the approach, or various other reasons. Once, I even talked to two women who happened to be gay. So I said, “If Brad Pitt approached you, and wanted to go out with you, you would say no?” Well, in that case, they said they would be, “homo exceptional.” That cracked me up.
So what does all this mean? There are a number of conclusions we can draw from this.
First of all, I think that the real myth that got busted is you don’t need to be a captain of industry, have Fort Knox as your checkbook, or be People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”, in order to get the girl. It would help, sure, but it’s not essential. Remember, the main reasons for her rejection and approval were fear and open-mindedness. Much of it depends more on her senses and sensibilities, rather than what you got. It’s just the luck of the draw if you come across an open-minded woman.
So is there nothing you can do, or is there a way to “hedge” your bets?
We live in the age of fear. There’s so much fear flying around, it’s a wonder we don’t spend our days barricaded in our homes with shotguns and rifles at the ready. Fear, fear everywhere! And plenty of drops to drink.
This goes for women, too. But if you can alleviate her fears, if you can show her that you would use your confidence to protect her, if she can see that your confidence is on the side of good and love, then you’ve got a shot. You can practice your social skills, hang out with men who are better than you at meeting women, you can take an approach bootcamp, you can talk to a dating guru, and you can read books about meeting women. And you can work on what’s in your head too, that’s where the real foundations lie.
However, if you cannot break through her fear barrier, there’s no reason to beat yourself up. The power of fear is very strong, and in her world, there may be nothing you can do to alleviate her fears. To her, there may be only one specific way to her heart (whatever that may be). What do you do when you come across a woman like this? Move on.
One final possible conclusion we can draw from this, is that her rejection (even her approval) has ZERO to do with you, and everything to do with her and her world.
There’s a wonderful book out there called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it, he says that no two people see the world in the same way. Each of us perceives the world in a completely different way from each other, and the ultimate form of selfishness is to project your view of the world onto another’s view of the world. Her liking or disliking you is nothing more than her perception of the world. She doesn’t know how you look at things, how could she? Therefore, because of this, there is no reason you should take anything anyone says personally.
In November of 2012, I was at a focus group at the home of renowned dating coach, David Wygant. It was a very interesting and growing experience. I remember the last conversation I had with a woman there, named Marianne. She said to me that men were a mystery to her. So I said, “We’re a mystery to you. You’re a mystery to us. Let’s solve the mystery together.”
Take care, guys, and keep on trucking.
P.S.: Here are all of the results:
-I like coffee: 2
-She’s open-minded: 15
-In the right setting: 1
-He’s nice: 1
-He’s funny: 1
-Mom & Dad: 6
-Unemployed and with parents: 2
-All three: 2
-Horrible pickup line: 3
-Low self esteem/derogatory: 5
-If that’s all he had to say…: 1
-No time: 2
-Close minded: 1
-Don’t like to date: 1
-Abrupt approach: 1
-No because of fear BUT would exchange numbers: 1
-Don’t like coffee: 1
-Too much information: 1