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  • 1 Post By rs5096

Thread: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

  1. #1
    Lazarus is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    Ok, here's the situation:

    I've suffered from crippling social anxiety for my entire life, but I only was diagnosed with it about 3 years ago. Up until that point I just thought I was weird and shy, and finally discovering there's a real reason I am this way was like this gigantic burden off my shoulders. But, living my life up to that point without any real socializing caused me to be VERY socially awkward. I didn't learn the social skills that most people learn in childhood. So in the past few years I've been actively trying to "play catch-up", socially. What social skills I have I've had to actively teach myself. so...

    There is this super hot girl who works in my area (HB9.5-10), and being the AFC that I still very much am, instead of "gaming" her (I still struggle with approaching and/or talking to any girl who is attractive), I pretty much just stare. A lot.

    Instead of being weirded out by it, like a lot of girls would be, she seems pretty friendly actually. Which seems surprising to me. One of the few social skills that I'm actually very good at is body language. It's been an obsession of mine for about 15 years. I read and study everything about it I can get my hands on. So I notice things she does.

    Like, she always seems to be aware of when I'm around. Her attention always goes straight to me. Or we'd be walking towards each other (to pass by) and as we'd pass she'd stick out her hand for a high five. Or one time I walked over to a small group of people who were engaged in conversation, which included her, and she reached over and pinched me (all this was before I had ever said more than like 10 words to her).

    The other night when I walked by she called my name and when I turned around, she gave me this kind of sideways glance and asked if I was married (which seemed odd to me since I don't even wear any rings). When I said no, she said "how old are you?" and I told her to guess. She instantly looked me up and down, glanced at my hair, made a show of really thinking about it and guessed 27 (I'm actually 38 but people usually think I'm 25). When I told her how old I really am, she seemed surprised and told me I don't look that old and that's a good thing. Then a minute later she asked me "what do you think about war?" which seemed pretty random to me. Eventually, I figured out she meant more in terms of do I think anything the military does is okay, and when I told her my thoughts about it she agreed with what I said and told me "I'm just against war and you seemed like somebody who might be too, I don't know why." It seemed to me like a very thinly veiled attempt at finding commonality, I mean "what do you think about war?" Seriously? So then last night as I was walking to go somewhere, I saw her and lifted my hand in a casual wave, and her face lit up in a big smile and she waved back emphatically.

    These all seem like ioi's to me, but am I just over-thinking her friendliness as attraction? She's 19, but I would totally date this girl (based on what I know about her from the few conversations we've actually had). She seems really cool, really sweet, and utterly beautiful. And I get the feeling she likes me. But, my lack of social confidence is a problem.

    One, I'm not sure if they're real IOI's or if I'm just seeing what I want to see. But, I think most girls can tell when someone is attracted, and I feel like if she was not interested or even weirded out by me, she would be polite but not overtly friendly. Two, I'm not sure how to approach it/her if they are real IOI's. Three, even carrying on a conversation with her is a gigantic struggle for me!

    Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry for the novel.

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
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    Default Re: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    I actually moved away from the idea of looking at IOIs so much. In fact I personally don't pay too much attention to body language anymore other than the real obvious stuff. Reason: it doesn't matter.

    If you've done that much reading then you know that body language can be interpreted in many different ways. Like she she folds her arms. Maybe she's not interested, maybe she's shy, or maybe she's just cold.

    I learned that trying to decipher these things constantly, instead of being in the moment with her, made my game off. On top of that I'd be more in my head about things and the more you're in your own head the more you give yourself reasons why she may not like you, why you shouldn't approach, or why you shouldn't physically escalate.

    It's your job to create attraction. I met a woman this past Friday. (In fact we met up there cause I met her online.) I told her it wasn't a date and that we were just friends hanging out. She agreed of course. When we met she was a bit standoffish. Did I let it affect my game? Hell no. Because I knew that by the end of the night she'd be attracted to me. I don't usually push, but that night I did and I kissed her on the dance floor and even brought her back to my place and we did the deed.

    So get out of your head, focus on your goal, and push.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
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    Default Re: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    I understand where you're coming from. I have autism, and up until middle school I would spend my days in pain because I had no idea why it was so damn hard for me to fit in. Stuff like that is crippling, it's painful, and makes us wish we had been born as a different person. What others take for granted, we fight to try and get every single day.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I managed to get to where I am today through hard work. I never gave up trying to stay up with and understand how social dynamics worked. I would always socialize, and when nothing was at stake I would cut loose to figure out what was good and what wasn't. In addition, the books I read with pickup revolutionized my thinking, and I incorporated that into myself.

    In the end, all it is is working hard at it. Just try going and socializing with a lot of people to work on your anxieties and conversation skills.

    As for your questions, here goes what I think:

    Sometimes, girls can just be incredibly friendly and interactive. I would say that she is interested, but you have to keep the other thing in mind as well if trying to get her doesn't work. As for approach, conversation, and everything else, it's a matter of confidence. By doing what I told you before, you can knock out both of those. The only tough part is forcing yourself to say and do what you want. You will discover that the more that you do it, the easier it will become.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  4. #4
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    rs5096 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    Hey Lazarus,

    You know the advice on this forum is gold. But here's the thing until you put one foot in front of the other and actually approach her the advice here counts for zero.

    So you gotta approach, Dude. you gotta find out the truth here - does this girl like you. The funny thing about approaching is you always regret the approach you never make as opposed to the one you make even if unsuccessful. Our mind tricks us into thinking the payoff of not being shot down is greater than the payoff of approaching.

    There's a little trick to controlling the self talk that is messing with your head, it's called staying in the moment or mindfulness. Next time you see her stop worrying about the outcome by focusing on exactly the present moment - what can you see at that moment, if its what she is wearing, appreciate the colours, the folds, hear the sounds around you, the smells. as you approach just focus on these things. Take a deep breathe in, feel the air as it fills you nostrils and moves to your lungs, hold for 2 seconds, how does that feel. then exhale feeling the air escape.

    As you get closer, just say, "Hey, whatsup?" Bang you're interacting. hope this helps.

    rs5096

  5. #5
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    nik
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    Default Re: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    You will never regret failing as much as you will regret not trying.

    The best way to get over a fear is to do what scares you. When you get that little spark of confidence, possibly from this site or even, just a smile, you MUST act on it, immediately.

    Look through the threads on this site. There is a lot of good information on here. Have a plan. In the absence of a plan, DO SOMETHING. Yes, you may screw it up. That's fine.
    Remember:
    I have failed more than most men have tried.

    Every woman you pass up is a woman you will never have.

  6. #6
    x Mojo x's Avatar
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    Default Re: My skills aren't up to this...what do I do?

    I agree with all these guys brother. You gotta put down all what if's and go for it. I've been trying to embody what I believe the "Alpha" is supposed to be for a month, and the response has been awesome. So when I hear guys say it's really difficult, I say DO THAT! If you're doing the easy stuff you aren't getting better. Believe that you're good enough, and so will she.. Go for it brother Cheers.

    - Mojo


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