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  • 1 Post By Roadwarrior
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Thread: My own insecurity issue and paradox.

  1. #1
    Mikalichov is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default My own insecurity issue and paradox.

    This will be really rhetorical post, you've been warned.

    I used to be a really insecure guy. Always hesitating to do anything that would make me noticed by people, quiet and shy, not disagreeing with anyone, always saying what people wanted to hear, and always wondering if people loved me.

    That was before.

    Now, thanks to pua stuff mostly, I've become this confident guy who laugh loud and speak loud, openly flirt with the girls he likes, tells the jokes he wants to tell even if it offends people, and who doesn't give a fark. Which is great, I love it.

    BUT.

    A recent even made me realize something. While growing more and more confident, I got surrounded by more and more people, received more and more ioi from girls I knew and random girls, and constantly have a "harem circle" of girls I'm interested in and gaming/dating, which in turn got me more confident.

    But in the last couple of days, all my "harem circle" disappeared (some left the country definitely, others got engaged, and so on), a couple of parties got cancelled, and I find myself in dead water.

    And I realized that not having this constant stream of IOIs and people is hurting my self-confidence. I hold gaze less with people in the street, smile less to strangers, hesitate more, and so on.

    And this is not right. If I really were confident, I should not be affected by a lack of IOI, I should remain sure and confident that I am who I am, and that I am a great person. Even if everyone told me I was an ass, I would be unaffected and remain who I am.

    But. If I stop receiving IOIs, maybe it means something's wrong with me? And if everyone told me I was an ass, maybe it means I am one? I can't really believe I'm the only one who's right? Especially as I have a very internal locus of control, so I tend to think that everything that happens to me is due to my own actions.

    And so here is my paradox. If I am confident because of other people's approval, I am not confident. But external feedback can't be ignored.

    How to solve it? Totally ignore external feedback, and risk end up being a douche absolutely convinced he is the best guy around (which might get you girls actually, but this is not who I want to be)? Take into account external feedback, and risk having a variable level of confidence, and knowing this is not true confidence?
    Seduction is a martial art. Reading books and talking to experts is important, and helpful. But you won't progress unless you go out there and fight.

  2. #2
    Roadwarrior is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: My own insecurity issue and paradox.

    I've dealt with the same thing, and am still working on it. In high school I was AMOG, slept with all the hottest babes. I went through some personal termoil and it shattered my natural game. As a result of this, I realized my happiness was dependent on outer stimulants such as alcohol, women and money.

    It's funny you say inner locust, I'm a follower or Bushido which is one of the ways I gain inner value. And that's what it comes down to, at the end of the day can you look at yourself and be proud of the man you've become and the man you have yet to be?

    We hear it all the time, it's not the destination it's the journey but that's what gets me through. When I get negative thoughts like "I can't even pick up a girl, I'm hopeless" blah blah, I focus on the cool stuff I'm trying to accomplish.
    For example, I play music, I craft wooden bows, I do martial arts, I have a cool Jeep because I brought it up from a rust bucket etc etc. It's these inner value traits that supersede the stimulation I get from women. Look within yourself, if it's empty fill it with AWESOME!

    Best of luck bro, and remember to look within yourself for happiness and nowhere else.

  3. #3
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    Wolf24 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: My own insecurity issue and paradox.

    You can't ignore external feedback bro, but that doesn't mean you require it.

    As an alpha you should be totally self-sufficient mentally. I know this sounds a bit abstract but that's the way it is.

    You might be confusing your value with your ego. Your ego must be high, yes, but not as high as your value. If your ego exceeds your value too much, you'll be a douche. People won't respect you because too-high-ego people tend to shove their value down people's throats, which is insanely annoying. Other way around, if your ego is too lower than your value you'll be unable to demonstrate your true value, thus people will think of you as a low-value guy.

    These 2 attributes are linked. Your value is more public. It depends on many variables like social proof or your mood. It might be different each day. But your ego is you. You are responsible for adjusting your ego according to your value.

    For example, when you go to a club and you know many people, your social proof is through the roof. You can basically act like you own the place and people will actually catch that vibe and think of you as the owner of the place. But in an opposite scenario, you don't know anybody in a club, yet you act like you own the place (ego) without building any social proof (value). People will think of you as a creepy, delusional man.

    In your case, your value got hit with your "circle" leaving you. It happens. People are easy come, easy go. This doesn't always indicate you have problems that you need to fix. So, you lost value but you forgot to adjust your ego accordingly. And your ego got the best of you by telling your mind that: "How could you suck this much? What is wrong with you?" Nothing really. You just had a hiccup in my opinion, not a crash and burn.

    Hope it makes sense.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  4. #4
    Blistex is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: My own insecurity issue and paradox.

    I have dealt with this a few times. My solution, is I put myself out there but rather expect no one to bite or want to spend time with me. I'm starting to build a circle of REAL friends that have somewhat of a social life, but now I have moved towns and I'm pretty much alone again. On the flip side, I'm a much better guitar player now, I work out regularly, which is a huge step for me. and I have a much better job as well as going to school.

    As mentioned above, do things that make YOU happy and screw what everyone else thinks. Don't depend on a circle, once you figure out how to do that then you will be so much more effective in the field. I'm learning so many strange things about myself lately. You are often worth more then you think, and you have to realize that other people have their own lives, and often times our paths cross and we walk together for only a few moments in our lives, then it is time to continue along our own journey again.

    Don't expect overnight solutions to your problems my friend, the stage you are at requires time, effort and patience. The hardest person to understand isn't some cute girl you want to bed, but yourself.
    KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple

  5. #5
    Mikalichov is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: My own insecurity issue and paradox.

    Ok, thanks people! I like that you guys kept up with this "quite rhetorical" stuff haha

    I like the value vs ego thing too, that's an interesting concept, I will think about it, thanks!
    Seduction is a martial art. Reading books and talking to experts is important, and helpful. But you won't progress unless you go out there and fight.


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