This goes from sad, to scary, to funny.
I've had a stalker ex for a year and a half now. She slanders me to my family, my friends, and my work. Fortunately she's bad at lying and most people call her on it. I think she might have stopped, so that's good.
Now I have finally gained my second stalker. Turns out I slept with his wife. They've been in marriage counselling for years and getting nowhere, both unhappy but too scared to call it off. So I'm the housewrecking scumbag... I don't feel good about it, but it is what it is. The husband found out about her cheating about a month ago. He's been constantly asking her for my address but she won't crack. Good girl.
But let me back up a sec.
One night I was getting ready to go out sarging and she was horny so she kept texting me. She asked for sexy pics so I decided to be cheeky and create my own rendition of the coppertone girl's pic. It's me showing a bit of butt doing a mock-coy look. Sent. We both had a big laugh and talk about getting it blown up into a poster.
Fast forward a couple weeks and I get a message from her asking for my address. That seemed really weird, she's been to my place countless times so I figure it can't really be her. I don't respond.
Next day she tells me that her husband sent it, he got her phone and had read through all our messages.
I've heard a lot about him... he's basically asexual and content to go the rest of his life without sex or masturbation - something she's not cool with. But he's way bigger than me and some sort of genius university prof. He wants my blood.
A few days later she finds my name and phone number on a piece of paper crumpled up in the garbage.
And finally today, the climax comes. She found a printout of my coppertone pic on his desk. I just realized that it's about the only picture of myself I've ever sent to her. Therefore, his entire conception of what I look like is that ridiculous butt-pic selfie. I can only assume he's sending it off to some Private Investigator to try to track me down... meaning someone out there might be getting paid to look at my hairy behind.
I might end up with broken bones or a gun to my head... but for the life of me I just can't stop laughing.