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  1. #1
    lrvoice is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I love her, but .... is this it?

    Allright, here we go for a rough ride. Because what I am about to say will stir up some emotions and will cause you and me a headache, I'm afraid.
    Here's my story ...

    I am 35 now and in a 15y relationship with a woman and we have two lovely kids. I met my wife when I was 20 and fell madly in love. I was, at that time, a totally inexperienced AFC, she was basically my first love. I had big glasses, bad hair cut and was behaving like a teenager. But I loved her, and we stayed together, I don't regret that.

    Through the years, I changed and improved myself. I ditched the glasses for contacts, I gained a lot of self confidence, dressed really good, made some good money and got rid of excess hair :-) I became a mature and responsible guy, well-groomed, with good looks, an athletic body and a fun attitude. I don't consider myself to be a typical AFC, because I DO get a lot of female attention. Girls smile spontaneously at me, I can easy bond with then, I make instant friends and I hear a lot that I'm cute (or even hot).

    It is only the last two years that I started to realized that I was learning, very slowly, the power of seduction, an art I never mastered (still do not master). I was no that AFC from 1997 anymore and I started to notice things. Then, I read THE GAME by Neil Strauss. I was fascinated by that book and started to try some tricks, very innocent. I immediately saw results. For example, only by improving my eye contact with girls I got woman looking at me or they started smiling. I learned about ioi's. I was flabbergasted when I tried some tricks on my neighbor (a pretty lady aged 38) and I saw her grab her hair the whole time, she looked away and smiled when I kept eye contact and leaned towards me. Holy Cr*p, all these signals were there before but I was unable to see them!

    Now, here's where the headache starts. I feel bad for missing out a lot of fun and game when I was younger. Sometimes, I wish I could freeze time and allow myself one year of PUA-ing, but thatís not the way it works off course. I am pretty sure that if I start learning to become a PUA and give me a few months of hard training, I could become a relatively good PUA. But Ö I am married and you know what the real hard part is ... I love my wife, I really do.

    More headache coming your way, since we have kids, our sexual life has nearly died. We talk a lot about that, she says she doesnít feel like sex anymore. She tries, she really does but she seems to have lost her sexual drive. Well, I have not, I can tell you. On the contrary. When I go out, even to fill up the car, I am a self confident, pretty guy that is not afraid of eye contact and woman notice me. A few time, I considered leaving my comfort sone and engage in conversation of go the Full Monty and start a routine or apply the basic things I know about PUA. But my rational brain stops me, because I am married, after all.

    I love her, I really do, but there a pretty big part of me that wants to become a PUA.

    Ok, Iím off that couch now, you can start shooting at me!

    The Voice

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    What you have is rare and alot of people have gone their entire life looking for that. With that I will mention some of my beliefs....I believe that although in our teenage years we go through alot of phases, I don't think we ever really stop going through phases. I believe that if you have devoted yourself faithfully to 15 years of marriage and it is still a relatively healthy marriage, then it's not too much to ask to test out the "ocean" with all these fishes running around. But preferably if the feeling is mutual. If you've ever seen the movie Hallpass (hilarious movie by the way) the concept in that movie really isn't half bad. Although for PUA you would need more than a week off from marriage. You know when people say "you don't know what you have until you lose it." Well that is definitely true, but it doesn't change the way you feel. It has to do with your perspective. A married mans life has a different perspective than a single mans, who regularly dates. In fact they are envious of each other. I think you will still want to test out the waters and if you put a little twist on it, you are actually missing out on the dating scene whereas PUA's like us are missing out on great women that are marriage material. In my opinion I think it wise that you two sit down and discuss this situation that you are in. And even if your wife isn't on the same page as you, try and realize that alittle jealousy in a strong marriage might re-create that spark that may have been diminished for some time. Who knows, maybe you'll try it out for a month and want your marriage back. You would have gained more perspective and therefore more appreciation for what you have. This kind of appreciation can't really come from a place of trying to convincing yourself. Sometimes you have to just experience it. I am not a professional marriage counselor and am just one man with an opinion. So feel free to be skeptical of my advice. Hope this helps and good luck.

  3. #3
    lrvoice is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    Batman,
    Thank you for this very wise words.
    The sentence "you don't know what you have until you lose it." crosses my mind virtually every day beleive me. But even so the old addagio " You don't know what you have been missing until you tried it" goes in this case off course :-)

    The jealousy aspect is very true, and I have thought about that. maybe if I would release some details I would trigger my wife to go the extra mile and try to 'defend' her man.

    True story I will share, happened 6 months ago. I was at a conference for my job, 2 nights at a hotel in a far away city. There was a group from my workplace that teamed up with another group of another company and we partied way after midnight in the room of a colleague. I started talking with a pretty girl (same age) I didn't know. We talked and talked, I felt a connection. She started Kino with me and laughed with every thing I said. She was getting pretty drunk. When the party was over and everybody was going to his/her own room, she looked at me intensely in the hallway and said: "So, do you want to continue the party in my room??" Lightning struck me, there and then, in that hallway and within a second, my MMAP (Married Man Auto-Pilot) kicked in, so I said 'Haha, no Thanks' and left.

    I can tell you I didn't sleep well that night. I stared at the ceiling of my room, alone. The PUA part of my brain was going nuclear and was screaming to the rational part of my brain: WTF??
    I realised I had been only one word away from perfectly discreet and one-night-stand sex, the magic word would have been YES. But I said No thanks, as an auto-response and because my rational brain took over.

    Sometimes, I wonder if I should tell this story to my wife, to show her that I am an amateur, would-be PUA that could get girls into bed if I really really wanted but I refused that night because I love my wife. Maybe she will see that I am a devoted husband but I'm approaching a turning point and that I am not for granted until eternity.

    I appreciated your feedback, thanks!

    Voice

  4. #4
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    Virgil is offline Moderator / PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    So if I'm getting this right, the problem is that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you any more, and it makes you want to peek over the edge, where all the "willing" women are.

    I can get into that, but as Inner Game teaches you, you should always look within yourself, because you can't change much outside that. So what I'm saying is you have to consider there is the possibility you are the reason she doesn't want to have sex any more. 'Cause, man.... 35 is a way too young age to stop having sex and I doubt any woman would want to stop at that age. They love it more than we do. So you have to wonder if you are truly satisfying her in the bedroom. Does she feel loved and touched? Does she have orgasms?

    Just like for learning to pick up women, there are also books for learning to satisfy women sexually. If you think it might be you, check out ebooks like "The sex god method". I hear it's pretty decent. Maybe if you ask around there'll be other good books, too.

  5. #5
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    xavier is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    Do not cheat that is my advice to u. Talk to her, see whats the matter women that age are in they're sexual prime normally so it's kinda weird she doesn't want sex. Tell her to role play, pretend like u don't know each other go to a bar and try to pick her up PUA style max get a divorce but do NOT cheat on u're wife EVER, i remember one time when i was starting out i read an article written by a relatively good pua on the subject and he said something that i felt i should do to he said i will cheat on all my girlfriends but never a girl a fall in love with cuz u wouldn't want her to do that, imagine how much u'll hurt her.
    "The world will never change much less become what you want it to be. The only thing that can change is you. Face your fears, grow stronger and become what you want to be."
    _Xavier.

  6. #6
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    Cody is offline PUA All Star (RETIRED)
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    I really don't like to preach morality. I feel like it's not my place (or anybody else's for that matter.) I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I will ask you questions that should make you think.

    I grew up--and still live--in the midwest, US. Marriage has changed throughout the centuries, but one fact remains: it is a lasting bond with few exceptions. Call me old school, but if and when I get married I will plan on it being a lifelong commitment (unless she cheats.) Is that what you signed up for? If not that's fine, but if so you should be reminded of your vows.

    You said very little about your wife. You love her. Are you still attracted to her? I'm not sure about the latest statistics, but in times past the #1 reason for divorce was sexual incompatibility. But you used to be pleased with one another sexually, right?

    You say your marriage is dying, but are you fighting to keep it alive or just watching it fall apart? Have you used every last resource to keep it from ending? Are you pleasing her sexually? Are you giving her (multiple) orgasms?

    Are your parents still together? How would your children react to a divorce?

    Do you see how your attention has been set on other women as opposed to your wife? A man is a product of his thoughts. Think your marriage is ending and it will.

    As PUAs we tear ourselves apart. Look for the flaws within ourselves, not the opposite sex. Make a woman happy and she will make you happy. Maybe you are at fault. Maybe you're not making your wife happy anymore. Maybe she doesn't want to have sex because you don't know how to please her. Maybe she no longer finds you physically attractive. Ask her. Think, "Am I in the wrong here?" 'Cause I'll tell ya, there's no sh1ttier feeling than looking back on a relationship knowing there WAS something you could have done.
    Wondering where I am now? Check out my latest project:


  7. #7
    easyflow is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    If you do decide to go the PUA route, I hope you are OK with lying to people. You are going to have to lie to your wife, your children, the women you meet, yourself. Think how hurt your wife will be, and she will have a very difficult time trusting you the same way.

    It's not like you are attracted to a co-worker and are thinking about having an affair. Your wanting to go out and try your skills as a PUA. I echo what some of the above posts have said. Talk to your wife, talk about why you don't have sex. Who knows maybe she has realized she is into woman. I am 36 and I still love sex. I can't see how a woman of her age would not be into sex.

    My ex GF and I were together for 5 years, and our sex life only got better. We would role play and she would put on various sexy outfits and we had a lot of hot verbal talk, it was amazing for both of us. Explore each others fantasies. Ask her what turns her on. Bring some toys, some videos into the mix.

    I think it would be a good idea to sit down with your wife and lay it on the table. Tell her everything, even about your opportunity with the conference woman.

    Think long and hard about this one my friend.

  8. #8
    lrvoice is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    First of all, thank you all for your honest and revealing insights! I have the feeling this post is not about PUA anymore but about divorcing my wife or not But that's ok, since taking the PUA route would set me on course for a split so it's connected.

    A lot of questions were raised. Let me just go over a few.

    I am a guy that is all for self improvement in many aspects off life, so the question "Am I pleasing her sexually" is certainly a valid one. I am not afraid to question myself or to look for reasons within myself. I really think I'm not doing a bad job since I keep trying to maintain a sexual relationship and when we DO have sex (it happens once in a while) she does enjoy that moment. But point taken, I will look into that ...

    Other question: "Are you fighting enough to save your marriage or are you just watching how if falls apart?" Good point. It;s easier to do the latter to grant yourself an excuse to go PUA or break up. That being said, I have the feeling I am trying to save our relationship with everything I can but I have the feeling I am reaching the limits of what is possible. There will be a moment in time when I won't have the energy anymore to be the hero of the day. At a certain time, all the available ressources will be gone and that moment is approaching.

    Talk with her. Yes, we do talk about this, not enough, I admit so I will step up the efforts there. I did tell her that I'm way too young to give up sex. She realizes that and said she will do her best to improve the situation, without much effect.

    Basically, it boils down to this: I'm a good looking and fun guy that is young enough to do it often and old enough to do it right (I stole that quote from Mystery). My current situation does not allow that (doing it often and good) but I still love my wife and am loyal to her in a way. Now, I discovered that powerful PUA code that can open the door of may girls hearts and is a way of doing what I wished I had done many years ago.

    I know it's a catch 22 and eventually I will have to choose: part ways with my wife and dive into the PUA thing to catch up with lost time. Or stay with her and close the book on that PUA adventure. I'm not ready for either option right know and still think I can do both. Reality will prove me wrong I'm afraid ...

  9. #9
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    0Rooster0 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    I feel if shes not having sex with you with you anymore something is wrong. You may not want to continue with pua if you want to go down the route of marriage. But you can work on self improvement. Cause somethings wrong if the sparks no longer their. Work on yourself. Become the masculine in the relationship, learn to flirt banter with her. joke with her be light hearted and never let her shake you. Learn to be bullet proof.
    "I've never seen anyone pull as quickly or as efficiently as you"
    -HarryRat(Simplepicku p)

  10. #10
    PitchWhite11 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I love her, but .... is this it?

    I read all the posts here and am trying to take a neutral stand on this because like Mr.Onethousand said He's not one to preach morality. I can't say what's right and whats wrong because I haven't a clue as to the dynamics of your marriage behind closed doors. I am not arguing that you stay together or get divorced but I do have some things I felt I should mention/ask?

    - Do you suspect that she may be unfaithful at all? It seems, from experience, that most people lose interest in their partner when they have found something "better" or more "devious".

    - On a 1-10 scale, 10 being AMAZING, how would you rate your communication between you and your wife and also between you and your children?

    - Finally and more importantly...Where do you see yourself in 5 years should you chose to leave your marriage and venture into the PUA world? Are you looking to stay single and pick up random women and have crazy one night stands and call it done? Are you prepared that you may or may not find another serious relationship? And if so is that what you're looking for? What if you just never find someone that you can really connect with?

    Just curious and trying to help you see the BIG picture. I can absolutely empathize with your situation. It's like the movie Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds and that blonde chick...he's the fat ugly kid in HS and 10 years later is the hot, handsome businessman. So I can definitely understand where you're at but don't forget...when you weren't as attractive as you claim to be now...your wife still loved you enough to stay with you.

    Again, I look forward to you responses and your choice.

    -PitchWhite


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