Does anyone feel totally alienated from everyone, that they just can't really click with anyone without faking? This has been me for the last few years, and after six months of not leaving the house more than once a fortnight and not feeling lonely, I started to wonder whether I actually want friends, or even a girlfriend.
I went and lost my virginity to a prostitute, just to see whether being social could actually offer me anything, and the horrible truth was that it could... It made me feel alive, lifted the numbness, and I was greeted with lots of pain days after because of.
I just don't think I'm capable of actually having a girlfriend; bars are just so intimidating, I have to hide so much of myself or else I'll be demonstrating so much negative value, since in reality I'm a complete loser, and I can't connect with anyone anyway, I'm just too alien. I was invited to a party the other month, and it was full of science students; I always thought that I'd be able to connect with more intelligent people, but it didn't happen, and the destruction of that last bit of social hope just destroyed me. I've realised that to achieve social success, that I need to do a lot of work, involving integrating myself into the collective consciousness, conform to it's ways and try to appreciate movies and other important cultural bullshit, but it's hard. I'm also thinking of going to bars and take drugs in the hopefully non-vain hope of helping me connect with some girl, but opening girls is just so nerve-wrecking.
Anyone else been in a similar boat?