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  1. #1
    blackstar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Hello and thanks for having me!

    Hi All,

    Just wanted to do the standard introduction thing. If anyone is wondering, I was lacking inspiration for a username so took mine from a guitar amplifier sitting in my bedroom

    Pretty much I've come out of a 1 year relationship that was ended by ex-girlfriend about 6 weeks ago. I fell into the trap of codependency something fierce (including moving in together after about 6 weeks as she needed to find somewhere to live, was highly upset at the prospect of house sharing with people she didn't know, so I "fixed" the problem by securing a 1 bedroom unit that we could share as she couldn't afford it otherwise). In hindsight now, this was a terrible idea and began the slow demise of our intimacy but seemed so convenient at the time. I was guilty of being Mr Dependable (her family thought I was incredible which probably only fuelled my behaviour in this way, when I should have been listening to my ex's feelings) as she battled an eating disorder and clinical depression and catering to her every need and whim, which I now concede made me seem highly unattractive, weak and beta. We had been friends for 5 years (since high school, we're 22 now) and I'd always felt something for her and we'd flirted on and off even after school as we went different ways. I still do have feelings for her but acknowledge the relationship was pretty miserable come the end and intimacy had truly died (again I rationalised this to be just the effect of her anti-depressants and ongoing body image issues). Though 3-4 weeks before we broke up she was planning global travels for us at the end of next year and had made references to wanting to get married in front of mutual friends. I probably should have seen the warning signs then, but rose coloured glasses are a strange thing.

    So pretty much I'm just looking for advice on where to from here. I feel like I can now acknowledge my role in the demise of the relationship, whereas before I was probably guilty of at times gaslighting my ex's feelings (justifying her volatile emotional state as symptomatic of her mental health problems and not conceding any fault in what was occurring in our relationship through my codependence and smothering). I believe she has in the past few days started messaging another guy a lot (who I don't l know, but heard about from a mutual friend). She told me she couldn't be in a relationship over the phone one Friday night (6 weeks ago) and we met in person the following Wednesday where she was very emotional and I, strangely (given the way I have felt since), was totally composed. My birthday was several days after we met in person and I sent some needy messages around that time because all the nice things we had planned for my birthday had disappeared. We then had basically no contact for a couple of weeks until she walked past me at a university and I messaged her asking her to grab a coffee. A few texts ended in a call to her in which she said again she didn't want to be in a relationship and we ended the call amicably.

    Almost a fortnight later after NC, she messaged me on a Friday morning as I believe some of her friends had seen me enjoying myself out the night before and had relayed this to her. It was a "Hey how's it been" message which I chose to ignore as I believe it was just to be an attempt for her to massage her own ego and try and make sure I knew she was still around. Yesterday, I sent an across the bow message to her (as suggested in "Text Your Ex Back") and have not yet received a reply.

    I've been reading "The Game", "Text Your Ex Back" and "Relationship Rewind" in an attempt to bring myself out of this slump I'm in. I now acknowledge my codependency because I feel pretty damn lost now that she is gone, and realise just how unhealthy this form of relationship is and that I should have done more to build space and preserve the strong independence I had before our relationship. Is there any chance of me now establishing this in her mind and giving myself another shot? The relationship probably sounds very negative, but we did have plenty of fun times and lots of laughs in between, just a lot of emotional stresses ultimately sapped the fun out of things. I feel that the breakup was actually a good thing because we could start with a clean slate, but how do I convince her I've actually realised the error of my ways?

    Sorry for such an enormous post, but I feel a bit better for having unloaded it all for others to interpret and give advice on!

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    rs5096's Avatar
    rs5096 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Hello and thanks for having me!

    blackstar,

    imo it's time to move on. at least for now. We can't change the past we can only learn from it. It's time for you to be in the present. don't waste your energy on coulda, shoulda, woulda. that energy can serve you so well right now on more productive things.

    ending a relationship sucks. it leaves a hole that needs to be filled so invariably we try and build what we had before.

    The truth is that there are so many women out there that you can and should share your life with, be it for 1 night or LTR.

    Text your ex back, relationship rewind are shite products because it gives the buyer hope and hope is a dangerous thing. They're just goods that innovative guys have produced to sell. they keep you in the past hoping that you can fix things.

    NC and build yourself an attractive lifestyle. Learn game and you will move on.

    rs5096

  3. #3
    GuyMitchley's Avatar
    GuyMitchley is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Hello and thanks for having me!

    BlackStar! what a cool name, my Friend is sponsored by them. A fine British quality amp.

    OK, about what you asked and how to portray that you made a mistake. Here is what I did to help a client of mine get back with his ex.

    I will post a thread on, getting back with your ex. look out for it.

    First of all, focus on your self. Find a new hobby make new friends. Do not contact her unless she contacts you!

    Go out and meet other women and make sure her friends do tell her about it.

    Change your deodorant, cologne and tweak the way you dress. You want to come across like a new man.
    Workout, even if you start with 10 pushups day.

    If she does contact you and wants to meet up, take her somewhere new like a park she has never been to before, an art gallery that free or museum. You wanna take her to a place where she has never been before but has a nice atmosphere.

    *as you can see you have to work with all her senses and take her out of familiar places where she cannot associate the place with the "old you"

    Next, when you do meet up with her, make sure you end your time with her on a high and leave. Basically leaving her wanting more.

    If you talk to her on the phone, make sure you end the call cause you have to go and do something. This will make it clear you are not needy at at.

    When she does ask what you have been up to, speak about your new found hobbies and friends as if you have known them a long time but keep most of it secret to make her intrigued.

    If at some point you feel she is drawing back, then step back. do not chase her, let her know that you a wanted man by other women and she will think carefully about ending it for ever.

    This technique is to help you focus on yourself, and to come across as a new man. She will come back and even if she does not you will quickly learn that you are better, and have more to offer to other women who deserve your attention

    Also learn to take control and read up on been the Alpha male. I will soon post a thread about that.

    Hope this helps.

    Let me know how it works out

    Guy Mitchley

  4. #4
    blackstar is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Hello and thanks for having me!

    Quote Originally Posted by rs5096 View Post
    blackstar,

    imo it's time to move on. at least for now. We can't change the past we can only learn from it. It's time for you to be in the present. don't waste your energy on coulda, shoulda, woulda. that energy can serve you so well right now on more productive things.

    ending a relationship sucks. it leaves a hole that needs to be filled so invariably we try and build what we had before.

    The truth is that there are so many women out there that you can and should share your life with, be it for 1 night or LTR.

    Text your ex back, relationship rewind are sh1te products because it gives the buyer hope and hope is a dangerous thing. They're just goods that innovative guys have produced to sell. they keep you in the past hoping that you can fix things.

    NC and build yourself an attractive lifestyle. Learn game and you will move on.

    rs5096
    Thanks very much for your honest reply. I certainly have taken all these products with a grain of salt and acknowledge that these are skilled internet marketers targeting fear and anxiety. I am working to build myself up again as my confidence has taken a bit of a battering, but I'm already feeling better by embracing the fact that I can now better myself and show, rather than tell her and others that I've improved when they see me.

    Quote Originally Posted by GuyMitchley View Post
    BlackStar! what a cool name, my Friend is sponsored by them. A fine British quality amp.

    OK, about what you asked and how to portray that you made a mistake. Here is what I did to help a client of mine get back with his ex.

    I will post a thread on, getting back with your ex. look out for it.

    First of all, focus on your self. Find a new hobby make new friends. Do not contact her unless she contacts you!

    Go out and meet other women and make sure her friends do tell her about it.

    Change your deodorant, cologne and tweak the way you dress. You want to come across like a new man.
    Workout, even if you start with 10 pushups day.

    If she does contact you and wants to meet up, take her somewhere new like a park she has never been to before, an art gallery that free or museum. You wanna take her to a place where she has never been before but has a nice atmosphere.

    *as you can see you have to work with all her senses and take her out of familiar places where she cannot associate the place with the "old you"

    Next, when you do meet up with her, make sure you end your time with her on a high and leave. Basically leaving her wanting more.

    If you talk to her on the phone, make sure you end the call cause you have to go and do something. This will make it clear you are not needy at at.

    When she does ask what you have been up to, speak about your new found hobbies and friends as if you have known them a long time but keep most of it secret to make her intrigued.

    If at some point you feel she is drawing back, then step back. do not chase her, let her know that you a wanted man by other women and she will think carefully about ending it for ever.

    This technique is to help you focus on yourself, and to come across as a new man. She will come back and even if she does not you will quickly learn that you are better, and have more to offer to other women who deserve your attention

    Also learn to take control and read up on been the Alpha male. I will soon post a thread about that.

    Hope this helps.

    Let me know how it works out

    Guy Mitchley
    Thanks Guy, I really appreciate all the positive words. I've learnt the last few weeks that chasing will get you absolutely nowhere and just wish I'd acknowledged this sooner. However, there's no point worrying about the past when I should just be focused on moving forward and if she comes back, deal with it then. I definitely gave up a lot of control in the relationship (eating disorders can make those suffering from them horribly manipulative and I just let it happen because I thought everything would work out when she got past it... ha).


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