Just wanted to do the standard introduction thing. If anyone is wondering, I was lacking inspiration for a username so took mine from a guitar amplifier sitting in my bedroom
Pretty much I've come out of a 1 year relationship that was ended by ex-girlfriend about 6 weeks ago. I fell into the trap of codependency something fierce (including moving in together after about 6 weeks as she needed to find somewhere to live, was highly upset at the prospect of house sharing with people she didn't know, so I "fixed" the problem by securing a 1 bedroom unit that we could share as she couldn't afford it otherwise). In hindsight now, this was a terrible idea and began the slow demise of our intimacy but seemed so convenient at the time. I was guilty of being Mr Dependable (her family thought I was incredible which probably only fuelled my behaviour in this way, when I should have been listening to my ex's feelings) as she battled an eating disorder and clinical depression and catering to her every need and whim, which I now concede made me seem highly unattractive, weak and beta. We had been friends for 5 years (since high school, we're 22 now) and I'd always felt something for her and we'd flirted on and off even after school as we went different ways. I still do have feelings for her but acknowledge the relationship was pretty miserable come the end and intimacy had truly died (again I rationalised this to be just the effect of her anti-depressants and ongoing body image issues). Though 3-4 weeks before we broke up she was planning global travels for us at the end of next year and had made references to wanting to get married in front of mutual friends. I probably should have seen the warning signs then, but rose coloured glasses are a strange thing.
So pretty much I'm just looking for advice on where to from here. I feel like I can now acknowledge my role in the demise of the relationship, whereas before I was probably guilty of at times gaslighting my ex's feelings (justifying her volatile emotional state as symptomatic of her mental health problems and not conceding any fault in what was occurring in our relationship through my codependence and smothering). I believe she has in the past few days started messaging another guy a lot (who I don't l know, but heard about from a mutual friend). She told me she couldn't be in a relationship over the phone one Friday night (6 weeks ago) and we met in person the following Wednesday where she was very emotional and I, strangely (given the way I have felt since), was totally composed. My birthday was several days after we met in person and I sent some needy messages around that time because all the nice things we had planned for my birthday had disappeared. We then had basically no contact for a couple of weeks until she walked past me at a university and I messaged her asking her to grab a coffee. A few texts ended in a call to her in which she said again she didn't want to be in a relationship and we ended the call amicably.
Almost a fortnight later after NC, she messaged me on a Friday morning as I believe some of her friends had seen me enjoying myself out the night before and had relayed this to her. It was a "Hey how's it been" message which I chose to ignore as I believe it was just to be an attempt for her to massage her own ego and try and make sure I knew she was still around. Yesterday, I sent an across the bow message to her (as suggested in "Text Your Ex Back") and have not yet received a reply.
I've been reading "The Game", "Text Your Ex Back" and "Relationship Rewind" in an attempt to bring myself out of this slump I'm in. I now acknowledge my codependency because I feel pretty damn lost now that she is gone, and realise just how unhealthy this form of relationship is and that I should have done more to build space and preserve the strong independence I had before our relationship. Is there any chance of me now establishing this in her mind and giving myself another shot? The relationship probably sounds very negative, but we did have plenty of fun times and lots of laughs in between, just a lot of emotional stresses ultimately sapped the fun out of things. I feel that the breakup was actually a good thing because we could start with a clean slate, but how do I convince her I've actually realised the error of my ways?
Sorry for such an enormous post, but I feel a bit better for having unloaded it all for others to interpret and give advice on!