defenition of fail

Ive spent my entire life surrounded by girls who have farked with my mind and basically made me insane. Despite having beautiful girl friends at younger ages (starting like 4-13) yesterday seems far away and I lost all confidence, put the pussy on a pedestal, and through puberty, even though not fat or hideous even kinda funny still didn't lose it till I was 19 ... might have came while she put the condom on for me, the second time we farked i might have lasted a good 40 seconds then she broke up with me, but she promised friends with benefits (she was the one that even brought it up) to boost my confidence. when i asked her she said I was just in it for the sex and didn't treat her like a girlfriend and proceeded to get a new bf and make if a face book official in 2 weeks. So its been 6 months and every thing since that has failed after the first date i just get put off. So I'm pretty much angry to the point where i need to meditate at least 20 min a day to stop consistent homicidal feelings(i do sh1t loads of yoga and exercise n im a chill person normally who literally never loses his temper).
mY point is Im tired of chasing it, Im ready to change my game around and do what it takes to change myself so that pussy chases me. reading just about 10-15 hours of this site has honestly helped me so im gonna do my best to become active and I think ive given the girlies enough of a head start. oh yea what was that other thing, no relation ship ive been in has ever lasted a week past the point where I first tell them i love them.