I won't call my self a typical AFC, I'm not. I've recently started looking for help from different sources about how to improve my condition, and what to work on. This post is in effect very similar to the one I posted in a certain well known dating sites forum. I will amend and alter it where applicable to be appropriate for this forum. Thank you in advance for the welcome, and hopefully I don't cause anyone to have a convulsion here.
I've always been leery of this form of communication, but I don't have anyone in my life to give me insight into the world of dating. I don't want to write a book here, and I guarantee that some of this will either smack of self pity, or BDD. But I really do want to make progress with this part of my life. So I'll start first with a little about me, and then my concerns about different aspects of the things I need to work on in terms of dating.
(First amendment for purposes of important information)
I. C: Personal relationships (Friendships)
I do not have any friends. I do not have any friends that are male or are female. I used to have friends but my social conduct caused me to be rejected by all of them, often accompanied with threats of violence should they ever see me again. If you're wondering what I did, well, I started getting nosy into peoples lives (this was years ago when I was around 18, I'm 22 now) and I was written off as a friend. I now live very far away from everyone who used to be my friend, in a new town. And I don't know anyone. I don't want that to sound like self pity, I know it must smack of it, but really, thats what I've been reduced to.
I. Personal Background
A. Immediate surroundings, history
I am 22, I live in Canada, in a very small town (under 300 people), though two small to midsized towns lie within a 10-30 minute drive. I have been single for close to three ly.years now. I have had two girlfriends in the past, but I never initiated anything with them, from the first talk, to the first date, to the first kiss, first time together, subsequent events and dates, etc. I'm very passive, easily intimidated, have a horrible self body image (Which exists in actuality and not an OCD related phobia), reclusive, shy, unable to make eye contact with women. For the first year and a half of being single, I was okay with it, and the feeling of urgency in regards to meeting a woman to date, etc. was very low. More recently however, I have become very desperate (That is to say, I've mostly been desperate when out of a relationship usually) and very sad, to the point of all night crying and depression fits.
B. Current involvement with health professionals
I do see a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a mental health home visit worker to seek help with my depression, anxiety, AS and all other issues in my life. However I've never mentioned this problem of me being single to them on account that I'm too embarrassed to talk about it in person, hence my communication via internet. If someone could help me find an in to talk about this with one or all of those professionals, such corresponcdance would be appreciated.
A.Concerns about looks, actions, clothing, etc.
I do not have a fashion style, I do not understand the interplay of colours, fabrics, dimensions, footwear, eyewear, etc. I wear the first thing I find in my dresser. I stack one pair of pants on top of one t-shirt with a pair of socks and underwear between those two things. My dresser is full of those "ensembles". I used to take great pride in my hair, it was longer and better looking than most girls, but my mother finally convinced me cut it. Now I hate my hair at the length it is at, but I don't want it to get cut any shorter for two reasons: 1. I hate the way I look with short hair, and 2. Because I have numerous scars on my scalp as the result of a 1 and 1/2 year lice infestation I had. The lice are gone, but I do still have considerable irritation from the damage caused.
As stated in the first section, I am unable to make any eye contact with women, and I am completely unable to speak to any. My fear of rejection is so deep seated and severe that I have nigh on panic attacks when faced with the choice of talking to a beautiful woman or not. I always choose not. Unfortunately that is a very crippling attribute I have. I do not drink or do drugs (anymore, in case you were wondering how I was able to form those two relationships in the past), so therefore my integration into the bar scene is not possible, and plus my mom won't let me go to one, she knows I could get into trouble, she is right.
When it comes to my looks. I am in poor shape, litterally. I have never worked out, and was never part of the gym class in elementary/high school due to social problems I had with other students. I used to be reasonably thin, but recently, as of 5 months ago, I really let myself go. I gained 50 pounds in 4 months. That has lead to some really excessive stretchmarks around my stomach, thighs, armpits, genitals, glutes (in name only), etc. I have never brushed my teeth, I stopped doing so maybe 4-5 years ago. I am adamantly opposed to the ingredients of toothpaste and mouthwash, and this is the price of my convictions. Brown teeth. Not damaged, remarkably strong and relatively well formed, with minimal gum disease, but the colouration of my teeth themselves are significantly dark. I drink a lot of coffee, a lot of pop, and I smoke a lot of cigarettes, so its easy to see why they are that way. I do not like the way I look, but I don't think that should be able to stop me from achieving my meager goals.
B. My strengths and abilities
I have a semi-idetic memory, a keen ability to percieve with my heightened senses (sight, hearing, touch). A good drive to achieve once set on a certain path. Much time to think, reason, apportion logic in different strands of cognition. Think quickly, speak eloquently, I have a wealth of knowledge ranging from anthropologicyal, societal, psychological, historical, military, scientific, and literary studies. On the other hand, I have no job, am on disability and did not complete high school. Have no drivers licence, and other trivial things, but speaking of triviality, that is where my disseratation is approaching.
In conclusion, any insight as to what aspects of my personal life I should pursue a better degree in competancy would be greatly appreciated. I do not mind which source this will come from, though a plethora of personal backgrounds and experiences would be welcome. And if my presence offends in anyway, let me know. Thank you for your time and attention to this message.
SE. GV. SI.