And I'm not talking about a car magazine..
I'm Pat and I need some help with a few things. Keep in mind I am a 38 year-old Master's student in a college town, with all the social outlets that entails
Approaching: Unfortunately I have a hard time speaking to women I do know.
Demonstrating value vs escalation: If I do manage to end up in a conversation with a random woman at a bar I would try to steer the conversation in a direction where I can demonstrate that I have some intelligence, that I would like to do my small part to make the world a better place by helping people and that I'm passionate about what I do; that is cancer research and teaching. However I understand in order to escalate you have to flirt and sexualize the conversation a bit. And I definitely realize that talking about cervical or breast cancer is not going to make any girl hot. But somehow moving to that style of conversation after I've discussed something I take so seriously doesn't feel right.
In any case I have a mental gap that exists between how sharing a bit about yourself in polite conversation is supposed to lead to sex. The only sexual encounters I've had have been when 'she's really guided the way by being obvious or taking the lead. I married the first girl I had sex with because it felt safe and I didn't want to be alone the rest of my life, but that didn't work out. I've been divorced 5 years, have not been in a relationship since then and have not had sex in 3 years. It's got to be my personality and conversational skills because I'm an okay looking guy, well-groomed, in average shape, I dress nice, I'm well-liked by a most people who've taken the time to get to know me but I feel like I just don't project any sexuality.
I'm reserved in public. If I go out with my best friend and roommate to our regular bar and there's nobody else there that I know I will usually sit quietly and watch whatever sports are playing (even though I don't care about sports). Interestingly this kind of behavior (ie. sitting and minding my own business) is a magnet for certain types of college age girls to immediately start trash talking when I get up to go to the bathroom for instance, with false and undeserved accusations of staring and creepiness that my roomie overhears all the time. I don't understand why this happens so much.
Finally I should add that I have chronic pain problems from a back surgery that are a variable in my mood and how I carry myself. Previously my thinking was to take care of my medical issues due to the importance of sound mind, body and spirit, but I've been living with annoying aches, and pains (or the medications that counter them) for long enough that I've accepted these as part of who I am.
Anyone who can offer an opinion or advice on how can I can deal with any of these issues will be greatly appreciated by me. Thanks in advance!