I do not visit forums very often, so my post(s) may be long and somewhat misplaced.
I would like to describe my life to you, while avoiding writing a novel-length post. I am hoping that those who have had similar experiences, or an adequate understanding of the factors at work can help to guide my path toward social competence. For the rest of you, it could prove an entertaining read.
My birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year. I am now 31; thoughts of my future and how my past has affected it had begun to bear down on me in the past year or two. These thoughts are just now beginning to coagulate into something I can understand.
I grew up in a religious community. We would eat, breathe, and sleep religion on a daily basis. Church every Sunday morning, and youth groups on Saturday and Wednesday nights. This, in addition to school, was the foundation for my social interactions for the first 20 or so years of my life.
At the time, our relationship was rather one-sided, where she would essentially control the use of my time and restrict most of it to interacting with her, whether it be on the phone or in person. But, she would occasionally reward me with boobs, so I was not totally averse to this arrangement.
However, when I decided to join the military, I began to realize how much control she had over me, and how easily I fell prey to her manipulations. After three years of putting up with her crap, I felt it was best to break it off, and I proceeded to basic training as a single man.
After basic training, I began to hang out with a group of self-loathing attention whores (aka goths), one of whom became my girlfriend. She was somewhat younger than I, a bisexual kleptomaniac street urchin whose only goal in life was to get stoned.
As it turns out, this girl was just as manipulative and selfish as the first, and despite the rigorous training I had just gone through to boost my own personal manpower, I was once again caught in the boob-baited snare.
Fortunately, having begun the process of rejecting my family's religion, I no longer felt the need to abstain, and I finally experienced intercourse for the first time. And the last (thus far, at least).
The sex lasted about 4 hours, and I never came. Being the inexperienced anti-socialite that I was, it hadn't occurred to me that I should take control of the situation and allow myself to get off. Eventually, she stopped me and crawled over to the restroom, then returned and promptly fell asleep.
I recall two more separate encounters with this girl; at these times she realized that it would be nice of her to help me get off as well.
Unfortunately, about a week after these interactions, I discovered a burning sensation while urinating. Yes, I had contracted an infection during my first intercourse. Gonorrhea was relatively easy to treat, and fortunately I didn't get her pregnant (to my knowledge, at least).
However, after that particular madness, I never saw her again. She was in the unenviable position to move around the Dallas area at a whim, without having a lot of things to move around with her, and living with whomever she chose. Apparently, I was no longer of any use to her and was tossed aside like the dirty condoms we should have used.
Fast forward several years. I suffered through several online relationships that never produced a single flesh-and-blood encounter but often satisfied (temporarily) my need for affection. But these women were interested only in entertaining some sort of fantasy world. The internet, of course, is the perfect breeding ground for such interests, but without meeting face to face, I was never fully satisfied.
After a time, for reasons I am still trying to sort out, I decided that I was a transsexual. After much deliberation, I began to dress up part time, and eventually full time, as I lived with various friends I had met online. It was an incredibly enlightening experience, and I gained insight into both men and women during the four years I was dressing up full time.
Fortunately, I never had the funds to permanently alter my body in any way. I always acknowledged the fact that I was attracted solely to girls, but it didn't make much difference at the time. I just felt that I was some sort of lesbian. But eventually, something jolted me out of the whole transgender idea.
The shock came when, after confessing my attraction to a coworker, I was "investigated" by management and subsequently fired for alleged "sexual harassment." I suspect that most sane people would agree that nothing I did was either sexual or harassment.
In any case, apart from learning the painful lesson not to go after coworkers, I realized that no matter how much acceptance I received, no matter what I did to my body, people would always see me as a male by default. So, somewhat embarrassingly, I shed that lifestyle and returned to my family to pursue real life goals, such as training for a decent career and learning how to talk to women.
I often rejected the idea of "game" and foolishly saw "pickup artistry" as some sort of offense to women. After careful research, of course, I now realize my mistake, and understand that this strange set of rules is simply the mating ritual of the human animal.
Whether because of religion or negative past experiences, or some other factor unknown to me, I have grown up socially retarded. But regardless of the cause, I am now ready to move forward.
I have already seen major changes in my life simply from applying some of the things I have read online. I feel a certain electricity in the air when applying the few "alpha" techniques I have learned in my conversations with women. I feel like I even command a significantly greater level of authority in my interactions with my mother and sister, who have always known me to be a docile little puppy. I think they respect me more now that I've grown fangs.
But, as wonderful as it is to have access to all this information, it is often difficult to figure out where to start. It is difficult, for instance, to learn how to play guitar without mastering the basics, or to learn how to drive a standard on the highway before stalling in the parking lot.
Fear has controlled me for a majority of my life, but no more.
Thank you for reading this summary of my experience. I would appreciate all constructive criticism or other advice on where to start. I will peruse the site over the next few days and weeks, and begin to assimilate it into what I have already learned.