My online dating profile (it's working wonders!)

So I got a little intoxicated one night and started filling in my description for my online profile. Normally this wouldn't be a good idea, but the results have been great. It shows off my goofy sense of humor which I carry over well when messaging.

Here is the latest e-mail I've recieved.
"Ha! Best Email I have received on this site by far! I was
starting to wonder if there was a template on here for lame
thoughtless Emails to send.
Your profile is hysterical and your dog is quite handsome.
I saw you are a Palahniuk fan. I am as well. Fight Club
first, but Choke a close second. That is a damn good book.
So, what else do you do besides knock peoples socks off
with your delicious dishes and blowing peoples minds up
with awesomeness?"

Feel free to critique it. If you decide to use it as a template for your own, just remember to make it fit your own personality style. Anyway, onto the profile!

"Konichiwa b*tches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass guy-friend that ever lived? If so, look no further. You f--king found him.

A bit about me:

I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your sh-t. If you leave sh-t out, I'm just like, "Oh f--k I better not mess with this sh-t, because it's not mine." I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that sh-t in bearnaise. EVERY. DAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your socks off.

I also read a lot. I f--king LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that sh-t. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. F--king smart. Do you like movies? I love them. We can watch the sh-t out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James F--king Taylor. AWWWWWW SH-T YEA!

Am I interested in hanging out with you? You can bet my goofy ass I am! I only require honesty and a fun personality. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a guy-friend to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation guy-friend who consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up."

I did the EXACT same thing. I actually made my first online profile while completely drunk, it was extremely vulgar and had an underlying tone that I was rich. The same night I made it I messaged a girl, then talked to her on the phone, then went to her place, watched a movie, and sealed the deal my friend. I'm mad I didn't save it before I deleted the profile a couples weeks later.

I think the more vulgar type profiles are effective for hookups.

I don't understand why the second thing you talk about refers to living together... it sounds more like an add for a roommate to me. I do like some of it a lot, but the first sentance lost me. Like the heading and awesomeness part the most.

You have seconds to impress whoever is checking your profile out, keep it brief and short or run the risk of failing to entice them to message you.

Using POF as a blue print, I've tested different methods of styles on my profile and I found great success with minimal information under the 'about me' and under the interests jotting down a line or two for example 'writing collaborations of thoughts, dreams and the occasional bulls*its of life' and 'lifting iron under the stars at night to look good under the sun for the pretty ladies' no one else had them lines so straight away when she reads the profile she'll see you're original, plus shows you're creative.