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  1. #1
    DarrenA's Avatar
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    Default A relationship happening without asking?

    Hello everybody,

    Has anyone here been in a relationship without declaring themselves bf and gf? Like, you both know you are in one but never mentioned it. You all started off being great friends but underneath it all there is something going on. You both began to do things together as a couple but never declare to each other as a couple? I think a girl that i have great rapport and trust in is heading there.

    To give the background, have this girl in my class that i met in May last year and over the course of that year, we began to be really great friends and she confided in me things from her life that she never told anyone else aka trust. Before meeting in 2011, she was in a 5 yr relationship but it ended in 2010 because the guy was insecure. Her first time was with him and not long after that, breakup happened and of course, she was devastated as she is a bit religious. She pretty much recovered and moving on (so i believe)

    I was not interested in her first since i was checking another girl but as that did not work out, my focus is now on her since March. She always sent me a bit of cues that she likes me but i think as my mind was on another girl, it became a good challenge for her. We go out from time to time but as i don't want to look needy, i will turn her down once in a while. I did some Kino on her and she has responded so far favorably. We flirt from time to time, in some cases sexually suggestive. A good example, while walking she might say, "i just did my hair, it will get wet" (from the rain). I would say, "well, being wet is not such a bad thing." She will smile and give a somewhat sexual look while i lock my eyes on hers, but at the same time, she would play it off as in "oh my god you said that?"

    My opinion is that because she invested in the previous relationship and got burned 2 years ago, i think she is being really cautious in having a relationship with me thinking she would get burned eventually. She already has the philosophy that a relationship would start off great and then as times goes on, you will see the real person and things will go downhill. Because of this, i guess she believes in "time to know the person" and asking her to be my gf might be too early. She did tell me already in casual conversation that she still doesn't know a lot about me. (which might be good to keep the mystery going?) Three times i made an attempt to ask her to be my gf but in all 3 times, something got in the way like school, her parents and one of my friends had planned something without my knowledge. I think we are heading to be a "non declared relationship" but underneath it all, between the lines, we would be in one. What you all think about being in a relationship that "just happened" without saying anything? Behaving as a couple but never declared ourselves a couple? How to navigate this one? Thank you for reading my "essay" appreciate it.

  2. #2
    BatMan's Avatar
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    Default Re: A relationship happening without asking?

    It sounds great in theory, however this could be a very risky thing. Since you two are not saying that you are in a relationship you haven't discussed boundaries. And I can guarantee that if she meets someone that she feels is more interesting and decides to be with him, the first thing out of her mouth will be " We were never in a relationship." One of the main factors that causes people to get into a relationship is "fear of loss." If you can create this within her without seeming like your doing it on purpose (like if you choose to use jealousy to create fear of loss) then it will increase your chances of her saying she wants to be exclusive. And just work on building your value so she will know that other guys will have a difficult time grabbing her attention from you. Hope this helps. Good luck.

  3. #3
    DarrenA's Avatar
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    Default Re: A relationship happening without asking?

    Quote Originally Posted by BatMan View Post
    It sounds great in theory, however this could be a very risky thing. Since you two are not saying that you are in a relationship you haven't discussed boundaries. And I can guarantee that if she meets someone that she feels is more interesting and decides to be with him, the first thing out of her mouth will be " We were never in a relationship." One of the main factors that causes people to get into a relationship is "fear of loss." If you can create this within her without seeming like your doing it on purpose (like if you choose to use jealousy to create fear of loss) then it will increase your chances of her saying she wants to be exclusive. And just work on building your value so she will know that other guys will have a difficult time grabbing her attention from you. Hope this helps. Good luck.
    Thank you for your insight BatMan Besides using jealousy, how else i can use the "fear of loss" technique? How exactly i can execute jealousy without seeming like i am doing it on purpose? A good example would be that i am chatting up with another woman and she "so happens" to see that?

    I see Bill Preston have a great post on Jealousy.

    Any other takers on this topic?

  4. #4
    BatMan's Avatar
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    Default Re: A relationship happening without asking?

    Yea if she happens to see you talking to another woman that will do just that. You don't have try and hide it from her, but also you don't want to rub it in her face. But even so she may still call you on it and shit test you. Thats where you just want to hold your frame that you two are not exclusive, so therefore it shouldn't be a big deal that you are speaking to other women. Mind you the better you are at making it seem like it's all happening on accident and what you are doing is unintentional the better shot you have at seeming genuine, therefore she will be really worried about losing you to another woman. Just avoid arguing with her if she calls you out. Would you argue logically with a 2 year old or drunk person? That is how you have to behave if she tries to pick a fight. If you show you don't really care either way then your frame will be strong and further the feeling she will lose you. Then when it seems she finally is about to give up on you, that's when you get a nice grin and say, " I didn't know you felt so strongly about me. How about we catch some dinner."

  5. #5
    DarrenA's Avatar
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    Default Re: A relationship happening without asking?

    A best answer there BatMan, thank you!


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