Any decent advice appreciated
Background: I had a milder form of this depression in middle and high school but come college it is a lot worse. Before college, I was just your mindless little boy feeling decent about the world. I would sit alone at school, have few friends, looked like a total nerd with the thick glasses, but I played video games and that satisfied me. I didnt give a crap.
Come college, a girl shows interests, I am too shy and lack any skills to engage in conversation. She is friendly but leaves the times I try to converse since the convo dies cold in like one minute. At the end of the year, I find out she has been playing around with other guys the entire year and what we 'had' was nothing. This sent me on a spiral of depression sophomore year that lead to me just keep getting reminded every day about my lack of friends and girls, especially everytime I see a girl. I tried really hard with PUA but it just feels weird and school clubs or social game dont seem to work for me.
Junior year of college f report:
First day of school. I have decided to change. Ive tried hard in the past but the amount of people walking around is like no other place Ive been which cuts out a lot of old excuses. This still doesnt fix everything since I spent the whole of sophomore year trying to cold approach on campus for a couple hours every day and chickening out every day. The few times I did ended poorly either with me sensing not to ask for contact info or getting a No.
Today was a success in my perspective but it still feels empty.
I spent the first two hours of the day chickening out again. A lot of reasons popped up:
-there are so many people around that will watch
-if they see me rumors will spread? (despite it being a big state school)
-they will be jealous or think Im very selfish for being so blunt and direct when they overhear my approach
-the girl will definitely reject me. I feel like a 2/10 at times
Heres where the best part of my story comes:
I tell myself: NOT ANYMORE. YOUVE WASTED SO MANY YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE WE SET OUR GOALS TOO HIGH. I WANT YOU TO STRAIGHT UP APPROACH ONE GIRL. JUST ONE. AND ITLL BE A SUCCESS FOR TODAY. PLEASE. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TALK TO HER. YOU DONT HAVE TO HIT ON HER. NOTHING. JUST TALK TO HER AND BE HER FRIEND. PLEASE. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
I moped around for another hour. chickening out.
I finally did it with a random girl sitting and reading. It went fairly well. But the convo ended kind of quick. I decided to leave to avoid awkwardness. I felt like I would be a sleeze if i asked for a number or anything because I started with telling her I just wanted to make a friend.
I felt great but bad I didnt ask for a number. Im not a sleazy guy and I dont just want to hook up. I am a virgin but Im really looking for just a hot girl to hang out with really.
I do it again with probably an HB9.99999
I didnt notice her hotness from the back that much. I pretended I knew her from somewhere. The conversation and her reaction and transition went surprisingly extremely well. Unfortunately, a few things happened:
-I recognized her as a girl I had indirectly approached at a store a few years ago. She didnt recognize me because I was super indirect the whole time 'what price is this shirt?'
-I remember her and she is like an HB 7-8 without makeup or clothing. But today she had it all put together so she was a HB9.9999 today in appearance but I still hate fake beauty and prefer natural beauty
-The convo eventually died and she started feeling weird, annoyed, and bored. She looked like she was thinking 'he's only talking to me because Im hot' I quickly picked it up after I saw her expression and made it seem like I was really interested in just talking to her and stuff. Later I felt fake and empty for continuing the convo like this to her. How to fix?
-I said goodbye and said I had to go and didnt ask for her number because I dont like fake beauty that much and it wouldve confirmed her suspicions and she might've denied me and remember this is a social environment. It might come back to bite me. Plus the sporadic silences told me we find eachother boring or some sh1t
I had succeeded my goal of talking to a girl today! I spent another 1 hour walking around but couldn't bring myself to talk to another one.
Here's how I feel after:
-Empty. There's so many girls that I saw that may have been better personalities and outer appearance. Actually naturally beautiful girls. I feel I missed out today. Both girls I approached were not that great at all.
-Fake. A big reason why I couldnt keep approaching girls after (other than already achieving my goal) was I didnt want to lie anymore and pretend to remember them to start a convo or put up this fake entertainer guy to keep a dead conversation going that's barely interesting. Direct approaches may solve this but they are risky and embarrassing.....
-Sad. During all this, I bumped into a few people I had met before (males). One was nice enough to smile and greet me. Some others acknowledged me. Barely made an effort to converse and the convo died quickly. Maybe these guys arent my matches for 'friends' either. Maybe neither of us connect that well. Anyhow, I sat alone in the cafeteria for lunch again today. I was late so it was pretty empty save a few huge groups of white girls and jock white guys. I just feel so out of place if I tried sitting with them as a scrawny asian guy and I dont think we would mesh well personality-wise anyways or have any similar interests or things to talk about. This still made me so lonely when I sat and ate alone. I find a lot of people I meet I either dont like enough to be my friends or sometimes we both dont have enough in common to talk or anything.
-A small bubble of happy/proud/decent - Im proud of my achievements and unfortunately I unloaded a deal of my frustration by jacking off which still wasnt that great since I kept thinking of how Id seen her without makeup and fancy clothes and she's like a HB 6 or 7 at best.