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  1. #1
    Shipley87 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Looking for some constructive criticism

    Hello all! I have recently signed up for an online dating site and was hoping I could get some help with my description. Grammar, stuff I should include or omit etc...Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

    Hello, figured I would give this online dating thing a try, finding it harder and harder to meet people and meeting girls at the bar, mall, starbucks isn't really my thing, so here I am.

    So a little about me. I moved to Calgary 6 years ago from a small town on the east coast and have loved every minute of it. I would consider myself a pretty chill guy that finds humour in almost everything, no one makes fun of themself more than I do. I live a healthy lifestyle, like almost all sports, love camping, being outdoors and just being active in general. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by a great group of friends and family who I love spending time with. I have a 5 year old silver lab (that despises birds) who I love to death, so if dogs are not your thing then this will not work out, but if they are you will definitely love him! You will never catch me shaving my legs, wearing Crocs, popping my collar, taking pictures of myself in the mirror with my shirt off or referring to things I don't like as "gay". I actually have a lot of gay friends, if your lucky I may even let you borrow one of them. I may have arachibutyrophobia which I am very sensitive about so please no poking fun about that. Other than that I am confident and comfortable with who I am, feel this is not only important in relationships but life in general. I can be serious when the time is right but in general try to not take life to serious. I have a career that I enjoy and am fairly successful at. Still believe in chivary and treating women with respect. I cried during Shawshank Redemption, Marley and Me and Old Yeller (to name a few) and probably always will, but by no means a wuss. I watch the Bachelor and Bachelorett, yes even the Canadian version. As for music I like pretty much all types but listen to X92.9 by far the most, don't think they play a song I don't like. Hopefully your still reading!

    What I'm looking for...a good-hearted, active, down to earth girl to settle down with. Sarcasm and humour are an important part of my life and I will make fun of you (in good taste of course), so a good sense of humour and ability to take a joke are important. I'm not into playing games or looking for any drama so if you feel this is you please save it for someone else. Don't mean for that to sound rude but haven't had the best of luck in the past, hence why I'm here, and not looking to repeat it.

    If you read all that, and I sound like someone you'd like to get to know more, send me a message. Hope to hear from you!

    Happy fishing!

  2. #2
    Vecen's Avatar
    Vecen is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Looking for some constructive criticism

    I'm going to be brutally honest with you. This profile is terrible. But I am here to help!

    Completely delete the intro. It DLVs you into oblivious, and here’s why: it reeks of insecurity. You are a strong, confident man who is looking for beautiful women! But your intro sounds like you are unsure. Also, never put that you have trouble finding women! They will automatically pick up on this and think “Why does he have trouble picking up women?” and they will pass you over in a heartbeat. An online profile is no place for weakness or insecurity!

    What you want instead is a catchy opener. Something to pass the fabled three second rule: you have only three seconds to catch a women’s attention or they move on. Crack a joke. Be witty. Say something they would never really expect from you!

    Now for your main paragraph: from a women’s point of view, this tells me nothing. You see, women learn best from stories and anecdotes, not a long list of adjectives. So follow the writing rule, don’t tell, show! (in PUA terms demonstrate social value) You say you are funny, yet there are no jokes in your profile. Throw them in!!! As the other stuff, pick only 2-3 things and tell a story about them. For example, tell about the time your dog did something crazy, what you and your gay friends do on a Friday night, or how you broke down during Shawshank redemption and had to eat ice cream or something. When you write these stories out, make sure to engage as many of her senses as possible. Include smell, touch, taste, as many as possible. Finally, shorten up your profile.

    Now as for the women you are looking for, it’s all cliqued information. Of course every guy wants to have a fun loving girl who is down to Earth, of course no-ones wants drama. Instead, you should show specificity and humor in this part. Say something funny like: “If you have like 30 exes lying in the dust behind you, we might have some problems!”

    For the final bit, get rid of the happy fishing and end with an even better joke.

    This was harsh but trust me it’s going to help you so much.
    "My enemies are advanced, bold, intelligent and powerful. But I am evolved"

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