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  1. #1
    colodevo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Contact to chat to tenuous - need a strategy

    Hi folks,

    Setting the scene: I am a 50-something widowed Dad, and I think I have a lot going for me - no shortage of money, good job, good smarts, don't scare children, social enough. I have been out of the dating pool for ages, and it's ... different now. I don't meet many people in real life, and online dating has sucked because I get so few replies. I have had a few chances, but "next" was the right button to click on most of them.

    I have a situation I want to get advice about. I saw this woman on OKCupid and flipped out - very unusual woman, but HB9 to me and a select few others. She lives 40 minutes away but has a job in my town (about three miles from me), and she grew up here, too. OKC profile says "seeing someone", but she talks in the profile about being intellectually bored and kind of perplexed with the relationship, so I don't mind contributing to that ending. I have no idea if we're a combination that works, but I sure would like to find out.

    My dating site response rate has been pathetic, but I planned a first contact message tailored for her, interested but not drooly, and sent it. I got a response after 3-4 days - she's seen me on a friend's FB friends list. I got on to respond - and she initiated chat on OkCupid. We chat a few more times like that through the rest of that week, and we talk about some people, the town, trivialities and some personal stuff. BF has not come up so far. I mentioned something about having her out for dinner on a weeknight before she heads home, and she said that would work. But nothing got arranged. It was annoying waiting for her to make contact and not having any influence, but I managed not to wait and not over-message, I think. Then it felt like she just evaporated - I stop getting OKC messages or chats for almost two weeks, maybe just because of the-busy-before-Thanksgiving.

    I learn more - I think the "seeing someone" is a guy who lives out of state and is not around much, and I think he's neither very smart nor very successful. I also figure he's not committing at all. Easy to not think much of the guy, what can I say. I was glad to read some of the boyfriend destroyer techniques, I may need them.

    After Thanksgiving, I sent her a Facebook message, and we have traded messages every couple of days for awhile that way. I have been asking questions to keep her talking (I've read about stopping that crap), and I have been responding a lot faster than she has (gonna alter that, too). I have been telling her news about stuff going on in my life, and that I feel good about. I know where she works, and have thought about calling her at work to see what I can do. I have what I think is a fun script in mind for that if I do.

    So I want to see what I can do to blow on the spark (if any), and I want to get on the phone and then meet this woman to see how we click. I actually feel like I can talk to most people about most things, so if I can get phone or in-person to actually happen, I think I can do OK. My first phone call with one of my first contacts after being widowed lasted three hours, and my on first actual date with a different woman, we shut the restaurant down after three hours and she went for the kiss with me. I usually struggle to get a response from anyone good, or get wimpy and mess it up later on.

    So, the questions:
    - What can I do to ignite the combustibles?
    - What should I do to contact her next? How soon if I do it?
    - What kinds of holes am I most likely to fall into next?

    Thanks,
    Colodevo

  2. #2
    YOKiTran's Avatar
    YOKiTran is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Contact to chat to tenuous - need a strategy

    this is truely hard... especially dealing with older women.

    as i see it - ur relationship is on her tempo - she sets the pace she has the power

    u initiate most contact and u patiently wait on her response
    u also dream abt ways to engage her
    and u track what she does now n then

    ideally, u want her to do what ur doing

    at this stage, IMO, ur job is not to worry and think abt what she is doing and when she will respond -- and blah blah

    its better to send out the idea of going out and then trying to create other options (women) so ur not so hung up... sorry to say that - but u wouldn't write this if u weren't.

    it's ok... when she is ready - she will come around. i hope she will, but u can't worry over her. put effort into other women.

    here's what i normally suggest and it works.
    goto a social place bar/gym/workshop and socialize with whoever. when u have ur motor running, find a girl that u like and approach her. or it maybe u work the room so well and are so friendly that u get approached urself

    if u have trouble finding what to say and stall out with boring material, look up speaking patterns.

    i use PUA keynote and Paul Janka.
    1) observe something abt target/environment
    2) speak of subject to target/envir.
    3) branch to PUA material

    1) keep ur material quick and interesting - don't drone on
    2) u want ur targets to drone on abt themselves and ur there to agree to build the relationship

    for u, i can't see u as someone who is willing to get a number and leave on a high note.

    but u should try to do something interesting and excuse urself and do so.

    don't rely on dating sites... u r not learning how to handle ur problem - which is how to reconnect with the opposite sex. ur not a failure - ur rusty and ur never too old to learn what works.

    let me know if u need anything - as this can be a lot to handle.... i would read some PUA books and keep an open mind abt the material u c....

    GL.^^

  3. #3
    colodevo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Contact to chat to tenuous - need a strategy

    Finally got some quality interaction with this woman. She was in a tenuous relationship when she put up her OKCupid account, and she's giving it the old college try with the guy now. I can live with that. I rewrote my profile text to focus on my value, and not only do I think it's better, it seems to be getting a lot more interest that anything I have written so far. Though I have to say, I wonder if match has opened their web API to the Ghana and Nigeria spammers directly, as plenty of the quick interest was also bogus :-)

    Rob
    Last edited by KristiBell; 01-25-2013 at 04:45 PM.


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