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  1. #1
    kevinnumber2 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Requesting critique of my pof and okc

    I know my selection of pictures isn't good, I'm working on that. Otherwise, any tips for these profiles? Both have been rebuilt a few times and I'm not at all closed-minded about changing them. ID for both sites is kevinnumber2

  2. #2
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Requesting critique of my pof and okc

    POF here:

    The burger makes your main picture a bit awkward. Can you crop it out?

    Black shirt and chino pic you look a little uncomfortable.

    The purple shirt and tie you look *very* uncomfortable.

    Ditch one of the walking outdoors self shots. One is enough, two looks weird.

    The black and white picture is good.
    So is the mascot picture. I'd say they're the strongest ones.

    Lose the captions on the pictures, you seem to be trying to validate the pictures, like you're unsure how they'll be received. Kinda feels like you're justifying / apologising for them. No need.

    I'd say make the b/w pic your main one. It's the most natural one.

    But it's your profile.

    Onto the description:

    (Some parts of my feedback are quite blunt, I'm sorry but it's the best I was willing to manage to convey the points in the way I wanted to convey them, at this time of night - 3am)

    First bit is ok, it suggests people are visiting your profile and that you're popular. But don't beg them to message you ('I promise [...] you won't regret it').

    "I wish they were more prevalent"
    This is a sob story statement. I know why you've written it - to find people with similar values - but unless they're also wallowing in their own self pity about those values being absent, it's going to just seem negative to positive people.

    The stalker followed his victim into the alley and said "One thing I'd like you to know about me more than anything else is that I won't take advantage of you..."
    Again, it's like you're expecting the reader to feel like you ARE going to take advantage until you say you wont.

    "I want a best friend kind of relationship, not a fling." This is a good statement. To the point and clear.

    "I can usually find out people's sense of humor and make them laugh, but I'm a tiny bit shy so it might take me a little while to get that figured out."
    Translates: I'm quite funny, but I'm shy so I can be hard work at first. How about "I'm quite good at making people laugh as I get to know them"

    "Overall, I love to be with people and can't wait to find that one person that makes every day a bit better and more enriching."
    A little bit desperate in my eyes. I'd go with something simpler like "I love socialising and really enjoy meeting new people"

    "I'm an open communicator so there's always something to talk about. "
    An awkward sentence. Maybe split into two points "I have nothing to hide." "I'm a good communicator", Not sure one this one.

    "I'm also trying to keep this brief, so maybe I'll just end by saying I'm game to try anything once so even if I haven't mentioned it here, that doesn't mean I won't like it."
    Don't maybe do it, just DO IT. Try to cut out the extra words that make it more difficult to read. e.g. that entire sentence could just be: "I'm up for trying new things". Far easier to digest.

    First Date: I like your approach with a vivid story. But be careful with it because although some women might identify with parts of it, it will put others off.

    "mom and pop stores" dude, delete or replace this. it's a dating site, even *suggestions* of anything to do with children, marriage or even just a future beyond a first date are no-no's.

    "morning's leisurely breakfast has begun to wear off" this gave me a bit too much of an experience. I've never considered what breakfast feels like to wear off whilst walking and I'd prefer not to. Maybe this is just me.

    "We stay close to each other, "for warmth." " This line was a little creepy for me, just say you stay close to each other?

    The second park is much the same gist as the first, perhaps just incorporate the earphones thing into the first park, that's quite cute. And then drive home from there?

    That's all I've got energy for dude. Hope it helps.

  3. #3
    kevinnumber2 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Requesting critique of my pof and okc

    Much appreciated and all makes good sense. I've *got* to get some more pictures somehow, better ones.

    The POF one seems a bit short now; true? I think brevity is a good thing if it conveys enough to show that the person is interesting. Not really sure on that.

  4. #4
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Requesting critique of my pof and okc

    POF and brevity - it depends on the woman.

    Some women don't have time/motivation/energy to read war and peace from literally thousands of men on a dating website. Think about them sat at home with all these options in front of them. If they can't be arsed to read your profile because it looks too long/complicated, there are 50 more that they can be bothered to read instead.

    But you are right, some women like to see that someone has gone to more effort. But imagine how few profiles these women must be able to get through in an hour, far, far fewer. I'm thinking there are far more women willing to skip over a long/arduous profile than there are women willing to skip over a simple/easily digested one because it doesn't have as many words.

  5. #5
    kevinnumber2 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Requesting critique of my pof and okc

    Anyone else want to weigh in? There's a long dialog in the form of a conversation on the okc profile that I'm unsure of. Might be awkward and weird, might be clever and insightful.


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