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Thread: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

  1. #1
    beardedgent is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Hey,

    Im kinda new here but I could really use the advice haha.

    So I got myself into a bit of a sticky situation. Let me give you a bit of backstory here. I met someone a few months ago in my class in college. We share all the same classes. We hit it off really well. Problem is she has never been in a relationship before. She's grown this fear of intimacy and will use any excuse to avoid it. We get along really well. We share everything in common and our personalities are beyond a perfect match.

    Anyways. She's been crazy about me for around 3 months. She cant even go a day without talking to me. She'll talk to me for hours on end(which amazes me because I'd usually be bored by now). I know shes's crazy about me because a) she's told me many times, b) she complained to me that she's jealous the other chicks in our class constantly want my attention and that she wants me to give her more of my time.

    So we've talked for months but every time I make plans with her she gets ill or something comes up. But then a few days later she'll say she needs to see me. Fast forward to two days ago I asked her where we stood. I was a little sick of being lead on for so long.(this isn't the first time Ive asked her this). The first time I asked her she told me shes to scared for a relationship but doesn't want to lose me. This was a month ago. This time however she took a defeatist attitude and told me she wanted me to give up on her. This is right after she tells me shes glad Im the only guy who hasn't. I was drinking when this conversation happened and I basically got frustrated and told her that were done. That leading me on hurts like a bitch and that she wont get over this fear until she tries. She tried to reason with me that she'll be done school in two years and doesn't want to be tied down(more excuses for her fear even though we have talked about it before). It left with me basically telling her were done and her not responding. I know shes really beat up by it though, even if she wont admit it to anyone.

    Basically guys, I dont want to let this one get away. Ive never met a person before that Ive had so much in common with. Currently we aren't talking because I said that but Im not sure what to do. Should I just move on or should I try to repair this and if repair it, how in gods name do I get a girl who's flat out in love with me to break out of her shell. Let alone how do I repair this. We havent spoken in a week if that matters.


    Not sure if this matters either but she's very introverted and has trouble talking to men. Im one of the first men she's ever opened up to. She's told me Im one of the few people she trusts.

    Thank you guys so much in advance for your help

  2. #2
    Thatoneguyonforums's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Part of this is really confusing, shes a commitment phobe and is totally into you and cant leave you alone, but.. she doesn't want to meet or make plans with you? Something doesn't add up here. My best guess is shes got her friends that are putting things in here head and want her to hang out with them and not get into a relationship. Peer pressure, can really effect someone especially if they're introverted as you said. My advice would be to just be friends for now, don't push it or act like you care so much if it doesn't work out. eventually shell move out of her uncertain phase, and if you're friends it will be a lot easier to make it work than if you blew up and got mad and made a big deal out of it. As much as you want to make her want a relationship, it will just push her away. Be patient, and good luck.

  3. #3
    beardedgent is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Well, she wouldn't leave me alone before. However after I told her I was done with her she hasn't said a word to me. I catch her looking at me a lot but thats about it. Also she only realy has like 3 friends. Super introvert here.

    One more thing, should I tell her i just want to be friends?

  4. #4
    Thatoneguyonforums's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Just approach her in person, apologize for what happened and reestablish a friendly relationship. Don't say "hey we should just be friends" just be friends, text her and whatnot, and when it feels right attempt to bring it to that relationship level again.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Quote Originally Posted by beardedgent View Post
    Well, she wouldn't leave me alone before. However after I told her I was done with her she hasn't said a word to me. I catch her looking at me a lot but thats about it. Also she only realy has like 3 friends. Super introvert here.

    One more thing, should I tell her i just want to be friends?
    Don't say you want to be friends unless you mean it or know what to do to get out of it. It's not about competing to see who chases who per say. At least not in that fashion.

    Focus on the frame. The frame she has set is that she has commitment issues. By the way you have been responding to her it seems you have accepted this frame, therefore strengthening it.

    If a woman were to say to a man "I'm not having sex with you," he likely would freak out. "Why not? I'm a nice guy. You can trust me blah blah." He is accepting her frame instead of just brushing it off and laughing because a PUA knows it's just a shit test and it only exists if he acted like it was true.

    Hoop Theory teaches us how to deal with frames. You either ignore it, take it from her and make it bigger then show it back to her, or shut hers down with a new frame.

    -Ignoring it just means you go about it like she hasn't said anything. Like you're seriously deaf and just didn't hear her. Change the subject and never bring it up.

    - Taking it from her just means that you have to frame it that YOU have commitment issues because of some stronger reason than hers. Maybe you have been cheated on before or the person you were with was on drugs, stole money, etc.

    -Setting a new frame could be anything. A good rule of thumb is that whichever frame has the stronger emotion wins. So a new frame could be something like "I can't be with someone who likes to play head games just to get her ego up." Of course this is not true, but you WANT her to explain to you why she isn't playing games with you. Getting her to explain herself to you means she has accepted your frame. If she responded with "Psh. Shut up. No one is playing games with you" then she has NOT accepted your frame.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
    beardedgent is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Thanks, that kinda makes sense. I dont quite get how I would set the frame. Or when for that matter. But I think its best if I let this go on for another week. With finals everyones a stress case. Probably bad timing haha.

  7. #7
    beardedgent is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Also If she brings up that she just wants to be friends how does one avoid that?

    You guys are the best!

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Quote Originally Posted by beardedgent View Post
    Also If she brings up that she just wants to be friends how does one avoid that?

    You guys are the best!
    Just agree with her and escalate normally like she didn't say anything about it. Basically ignore the frame.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  9. #9
    beardedgent is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help with a sticky stuation/commitment phobe

    Okay I gotcha, so your basically saying don't friend zone her till she's passed her commitment issue frame and instead try to escalate it more rapidly using frames. Am I right?


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