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Thread: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

  1. #1
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    I've been a lurker on here for a while and just wanted to first thank those guys who put a little time into helping the rest of us better our dating skills. It's really appreciated.

    So a couple of pieces of advice I've read around here seem like they could contradict each other – the 'no-contact' rule, and the 'be interesting' rule.

    I'm curious because there's one girl who things were going great with, then she recently went away for a while and after returning things have kind of been disappearing; she hasn't been texting or emailing, and she has become too busy to meet up. The more she disappears, the more I take the 'no-contact' advice to disappear myself. However it's made me wonder… Because I am keeping things light and simple in texts, and because we haven't had the chance to meet up since she got back from this trip, I haven't had the opportunity to be fun and interesting since she left, and so I wonder if it's possible she's simply forgetting how great I am.

    Crazy talk? Should I just continue the no-contact rule and wait for her to return to me? Or should I break the usual routine and send her an email or text about how great my weeks were while she was gone?

  2. #2
    Thatoneguyonforums's Avatar
    Thatoneguyonforums is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    The idea behind no contact is that it makes you more interesting, the idea that you are doing other things rather than waiting on her beck and call. Now she hasn't contacted you since shes been back? and you haven't made any attempt at contact with her either? If this is the case you need to make contact to let her know you're still interested, something like.. "So I heard you're back from (trip), How was it? Anything interesting happen? etc... After she replies make conversation and say something like "So I've been looking forward to seeing you again, Lets go (insert activity) This weekend."

    Now if what has happened is you've contacted her, once, or possibly multiple times (which seems to be the biggest mistake guys make when they don't get an initial reply) then you're going to want to stop contacting her and wait. When, or should I say if she replies, don't reply right away like you've been waiting for her the whole time, wait a little. Hours to a day is a good time frame to go by. From there let her know you were otherwise occupied with something interesting and couldn't get back to her right away, and go from there.

    As a very important side note, Many guys get the impression that texting her multiple times is ok. It's not, You send one text, at the most two and make them at least a week apart, or you'll seem like you're desperate.

    React according to whichever above scenario applies to you, if neither of them do give me a more in depth explanation and we'll go from there. Good luck.
    "Act like you're interested, not like you care."

  3. #3
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Hmm... more info:

    We've been dating for a few months. She'd been coming by a few times a week, bringing me things, leaving her stuff at my apartment. Things were going well, borderline exclusive, but there was never an outright conversation about us.

    Then things were fine while she was gone. I simply awaited her return, talked to a few other girls. She would be staying at my place the night she got back, but around the time when she was supposed to come over, nothing, so I texted her to let me know when she was back in town—she was getting a ride back home with a friend instead and wouldn't be coming over. That was a couple of days ago, since then I've played it cool and asked how things were, she's told me a few things about the trip and she's apparently writing me an email about her experience, but my further invites to hang out have so far been met with "I can't but thanks for the invite", and "maybe in a week or two".

    Just a lot of blows to my ego all at once. And this was a girl that **I** wanted a break from because she was moving too fast.

    I still haven't replied to her email from prior to her trip. I have the option to reply to that, I still haven't replied to her last text—"I can't but thanks for the invite". Make sense to respond right now or just give her some time?

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    At this point I'd say wait it out, Don't contact her at all. Wait those couple of weeks and a few days after as well, she should contact you. If not just invite her to hang out again. After all she might legitimately have something important she's dealing with, just don't trip off it. You might even ask her if something has been bothering her if it seems like that may be the case. If you still get nothing, just break it off, let her know it's not working out, there will always be more girls man, no big deal.
    Last edited by Thatoneguyonforums; 02-26-2013 at 04:35 PM. Reason: Misread post.
    "Act like you're interested, not like you care."

  5. #5
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Quote Originally Posted by Thatoneguyonforums View Post
    At this point I'd say wait it out, Don't contact her at all. Wait those couple of weeks and a few days after as well, she should contact you. If not just invite her to hang out again. After all she might legitimately have something important she's dealing with, just don't trip off it. You might even ask her if something has been bothering her if it seems like that may be the case. If you still get nothing, just break it off, let her know it's not working out, there will always be more girls man, no big deal.
    I hadn't thought of her going away for two weeks equivalent as her stopping contact for two weeks but now that you mention it, in a sense it kinda was. I'll just give her some time and space.

    It always seems to be the uncertainty of whether you're doing the right thing that's hardest to deal with. Getting that confirmed from someone else is always helpful.

  6. #6
    mojoman is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Hey man,

    I read your post and it's almost a carbon copy of a situation that I just had and that's been repeating itself over and over.

    I remember reading in Neil Strauss' first PUA book 'The Game' that once he really started to take off as a PUA people thought he was some big celebrity and someone even mistook him as Moby. From memory, he described it as this energy that he exuded that made people attracted to him.

    Another friend of mine told me that if you haven't been with someone for a while it's harder to get back into dating because you loose the 'scent'.

    Ten years ago I worked as a DJ and would pick up so much, I'm not kidding, I'd have a new girl each week. I was completely daft back then, had no idea what I was doing but it worked. I had ABUNDANCE. I think I'm slowly starting to realise that without this ABUNDANCE of women in your life it's hard to attract other women because you loose the scent. I don't think it's always necessary to sleep with the woman, I just think it's always necessary that you have options. On some level, women sense that you could be taken away any moment and it starts a bidding war.

    I was so frustrated when I was in your situation because I too didn't know whether or not to text or to do the no contact rule (that just wasn't working) and I'm not sure either was really the answer. The time in between, when you're wondering what the hell is going on, is the time that you slowly start to loose your frame. Everything is uncertain, you feel like you need some sign or closure, you're just hanging in. Waiting.

    If I come across this again I will simply do what my friends told me to do, keep my options open. I think that's a much better way to stay in control of your frame. I don't think this necessarily means you have to go and nail ten other women but that you always have options soon they'll pick up on that.

  7. #7
    boondockarchangel is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    I think often with these PUA tactics and games we forget women also want to feel needed. Most of these games are for the initial chase and k-close, f-close.....in my opnion once you have got to that point and have been dating for months you need to make her feel like you are in it for her.

    I think you droppped the ball by not contacting her while she was on her trip ( or at least you made no mention of it). I mean, I can totally see a girl chillin, bored in her hotel room , getting pissed that you havent texted or emailed, probably thinking you are banging girls( and out of spite she might have banged a dude). which is ok for a day or two....but if you went the entire time without contacting her while she was on vacation ....she probably already made up her mind that you are a player and dont care about her or think about her. If that is the case then she probably already made up her mind that she wants to toy with you ( a little attention but never meet up) out of spite once she got back.....which is why she got a ride homeisntead of dying to see you and going straight to yoru palce like you planned before she left.

    The good news is that she is still at least talking to you (even if it is to blow you off). I beleive you got to work yoru game around this angle versus the whole "ill blow her off and show her im cool by Freezing Her Out more" angle.

    You guys dated for months.....weeks of ignoring her? Really? I think its too late for that if you are looking for a relationship. Because from my point of view you messed up and she is punishing you, while you think she is messing up and you are punishing her. If you really want her you have to reassess where exactly in the seduction stage you are at (you maye be mistaken).

  8. #8
    costarica's Avatar
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    Exclamation Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Quote Originally Posted by mojoman View Post
    ...I had ABUNDANCE. I think I'm slowly starting to realise that without this ABUNDANCE of women in your life it's hard to attract other women because you loose the scent.
    Quote Originally Posted by boondockarchangel View Post
    I think often with these PUA tactics and games we forget women also want to feel needed. Most of these games are for the initial chase and k-close, f-close.....
    I think that both of you are looking at this situation outside of the overall bigger picture.

    There is an order to this chaos and it's very simple:

    1. OUTER GAME:
    - ACTION: We create attraction and we use it to "close" (which can be kissing, sex, or relationship)
    - RESULT: We close, but on a surface level.

    2. INNER GAME
    - ACTION: We just start to enjoy our lives and stop focusing on "gaming" WHILE STILL RETAINING the qualities that we developed in outer game. (in other words we still go through that entire attraction process, but it happens instinctually now instead of us being conscious of it.)
    - RESULT: We close a LOT MORE and can CHOSE to close on a deeper level because we chose our end results. We no longer mentally held hostage to HB9's and HB10's (or women in general).

    In Boondock's case, you are only describing the impact and result of constant OUTER GAME attitude. 99% of us had to go through this non-stop outer game set of exercises for a very long time (for me almost 2 years of non-stop practice). And if you stoped there, you are correct. You forget about what is "real" sometimes. HOWEVER, if you stay with it, and start to study inner game analysis (see tyler durden's blueprint decoded seminar) and start to focus on that instead of your tactics, then you will see that it all comes full circle, and you will wind up being the loving, caring guy you have always been, but with the skills to do anything you want with women.

    In Mojo's case, you FELT abundance at one time which means that you basically had no need for outer game practice at that point because you reached the goal of inner game and were able to get laid at-will and didn't focus on girls because you knew they would come.

    I'm not sure if I'm even being clear here, but let me try to be even more clear if I'm not:

    1. YOU NEED OUTER GAME - To learn to be a pickup machine and to use as a fallback.
    2. YOU NEED INNER GAME - For yourself to become "human" again.

    The BEST example I can use is this.

    A professional soldier who is also a caring a loving husband. He is trained to fight/kill but also knows how to have fun with his wife an kids.

    So when you are trying practice and make sense of all this stuff ask yourselves the following question:

    1. Am I trying to be a solider? (are you "hunting")
    2. Am I trying to just enjoy my life and the people around me. (are you "at home"?)

    If you don't have women coming around into your life on a regular basis, focus on #1.
    Once you do, go back and focus on #2. Women should continue to pour in. if the don't just go back to #1 and REPEAT the 1-2 process until you a) get in a relationship or 2) die.

    And probably the best advice, do not read or focus on products that are not geared towards the game that you want to develop. In other words, there comes a point where you should stop reading "how to get laid" and instead read "how to evolve your inner-man." Otherwise, you run the risk of being the #1 depressed pick-up artist in the world.
    - CR

  9. #9
    Essential17 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Mojo— your point is very true and something I need to remember to occasionally remind myself. I think it's easy to become too complacent and forget to do the things that made us interesting in the first place. There's a reason she is attracted to you when she meets you. I've read, and believe, that what often ends relationships is that one, or both, partners lose their identity—what makes them them. If you no longer offer anything to the other person, they'll find someone else. Always stay interesting!

    Boondock— you make an incredibly good point that this is bordering on serious relationship, and I agree it's important to be aware of that rather than simply toeing the line on PUA techniques. This particular girl is making it very challenging to tell what she wants. Sometimes I'll get the impression she wants to move things up a notch on the relationship scale, so I'll make a small romantic gesture, but then she'll push it away as fast as possible. I'm still trying to feel her out, but right now I'm playing it safe by trying to not be overbearing but making it clear I'm interested. I've already invited her out twice since she got back, and she hasn't tried to make a counter-offer, so right now the ball is most definitely in her court!

    Costarica— Thank you! I've been looking for something like this for a while. I've always wondered for confirmation of different phases depending on the stage of the relationship. This is great info. Now my personal challenge is in figuring out where that line is...

  10. #10
    mojoman is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Where's the balance between no-contact and being fun and interesting?

    Costarica.

    Thank you.

    That is probably THE best description I've ever heard about the game.


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